From Where You Are
by MerDer25
Summary: AU story in which Meredith and Derek are best friends but on one fateful day Meredith goes missing. Fastforward a year and Derek is still looking for Meredith, his best friend, his soul mate and the love of his life. Will she be found?
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

So far from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And I miss you, yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

And standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart

I see the shadows of your face

Just know that wherever you are

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here

So far from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And I miss you, yeah, I miss you

And I wish you were here


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**NOTE – This story is completely AU. Derek and Meredith are best friends at Seattle Grace hospital. Meredith goes missing after a bad car accident. Please read this and give it a chance. **

**Derek's Point of View**

If I had a dollar for every time I had someone tell me to 'move on', 'to let it go', then I would probably have double my annual salary; which would be a lot considering I earn two million dollars a year as Seattle Grace's Chief of Neurosurgery. Nobody understands how I feel or what I am thinking but they seem to think they do. But how could they? The only person who has never shown concern for what I am doing or the way I am behaving is my mum. She seems to be the only one who truly gets it. She misses her just as much as me because she considered…considers her as one of her own. And just like me, she was unbelievably confused as to why she left. It's something that has made no sense to us.

"Derek?" a voice startles me. I look up from my desk to see Rachel, standing in the doorway to my office looking rather pissed off.

Crap!

I was supposed to have met her at some cake tasting place this morning. Why she needed me there, I'll never know. She knows I want fruit cake with vanilla frosting. How many varieties could there be? Mind you, if Meredith is going to be at our wedding, it would have to be double chocolate. She has always had a sweet tooth.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks me, anger blazing from every bone in her body.

Yep, she is definitely pissed at me.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, trying my best to at least sound guilty. The truth is I don't feel guilty in the slightest. How the hell am I supposed to plan a wedding when my best friend is missing? She has to be here for the big day because she is supposed to be my best man.

"Where the hell were you?" Rachel yells, coming to stand in front of my desk clearly intent on getting an answer out of me.

"I was here saving lives Rachel. It's my job, remember," I answer, knowing how bitter I sound.

"I have a job too Derek," she argues back, "and yet I still make time for us to plan our wedding. You know the ceremony that's taking place in two months' time! Valentine's day!"

"I remember," I whisper, unable to make eye contact with her. "But…"

"Look sweetie," she whispers, in that patronising voice that makes me wince inwardly, as she comes round my desk and pushes herself onto my lap, forcing me to make eye contact with her. "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately and well, Christmas was hard but now it's time to focus on our wedding, the happiest day of our lives…"

The happiest day of my life will be when I find Meredith safe and sound.

"…Can you think of anything more important to focus on?" She asks me, staring me down.

I know the answer to that question, without a shadow of a doubt but I can't give her the honest answer because I owed so much to the woman sitting on my lap. She was the one who helped me through my recovery and held my hand when I discovered Meredith was gone. I have to lie for her sake.

"No, I honestly can't," I smile at her, feeling sick to my stomach.

I watch relief wash over her face and feel envy that I can't share that feeling with her. There's only one thing that will give me relief right now which is one of the many reasons I am so determined to find her.

Suddenly I feel Rachel's lips are on mine demanding entry into my mouth.

"Hmm," she moaned, pulling away eventually. "How about you take me for lunch to make it up to me?"

"Uh, I can't," I answer, suddenly realising that an argument is coming when she realises why.

She must be able to tell by my face exactly where I am going and she suddenly stiffens and looks through me with anger.

"Again Derek!" she snaps at me, standing up to pace my office as I groan loudly wanting to skip this part. "You're going to see him again? When are you going to accept that she's gone Derek? I am about to become your wife and I have been here for you! She was nothing but…"

"Nothing but a what?" I ask in anger, daring her to finish the sentence. She wouldn't dare…

"She was nothing but a coward!" She spat.

…or so I thought.

"She was…"

"She was a coward Derek," she repeats, sounding much calmer this time but she is still looking at me with an angry and hurtful expression. "I was there. I've been here. She was the one who left, leaving nothing but a letter. She left without a second glance and left me to pick up the pieces. Derek, it has been a year and you've come such a long way but you need to let her go," she pleads, coming over to take my hand in hers. "I am begging you Derek. As the woman who held your hand through such a hard year, I am asking you to please let her go."

I can't. How am I supposed to let my best friend go? She has been there for me through everything. Well, apart from the accident.

"But…"

"Derek," she sighs. "Did you ever think there's a reason you haven't found her?"

I feel a shiver travel down my spine.

"Of course I've considered the possibility that she's hurt…"

"No, Derek," she whispers, pulling me in for a hug. "She hasn't been found because she doesn't want to be found."

No. No. No, that cannot be right. Why would Meredith never want to be found?

"Derek," she continues. "You have to let it go. You have to let her go."

I turn and look at her intently and realise that she is serious. She is actually serious.

"But Rachel, she is my best friend," I plead, desperate for her to understand.

"Was, sweetheart," she says, trying to sound gentle but failing miserably because her words hit home. "She was your best friend."

"Rachel," I warn, feeling anger rise inside me.

"It's true Derek. I know it sounds harsh but it's true," she continues to push. "If the shoe was on the other foot, would you have walked away from her after the accident?"

"Of course not," I answer, not even giving it a second thought.

Shit!

I suddenly realise Rachel was right. Nothing would have made me walk away from Meredith when she was injured. Not when she would have needed me the most. But that was the problem because something inside me is telling me that she needs me right now, wherever she may be.

"I know you're in pain sweetheart and it's horrible to think that she won't be in our lives anymore but in order for the pain to stop, you have to let her go," she continues, still holding me close.

I hesitate. Does she even realise what she is asking of me? How can I possibly do what she is asking? Meredith is such a huge part of my life and I find it so hard to believe that I've had to manage through an entire year without her. I need her and I know wherever she is in the world, she needs me. I just have to find her but I clearly can't tell Rachel that.

"Promise me Derek," she pleads, pulling away from me. "Promise me that you'll let her go?"

What can I do? Rachel was there when Meredith wasn't but Meredith was…is Meredith.

"Okay," I sigh, feeling sick that I've just lied. Why should I lie about it? And why would Rachel ask this of me? I know Rachel and Meredith never got along but I never thought she'd ask this of me.

"Good," she smiles. "This is for your own good."

I smile trying to hold back the sickness I feel at the back of my throat.

* * *

When I first met Mr Alford, he offered me nothing but hope. Now, nine months later, I'm still paying the man but he's given me nothing apart from the fact that Meredith hasn't left America and my hope is finally dwindling into nothing, yet I still can't let her go.

Sitting across from the young man who has a reputation of being the best private investigator in Seattle, I feel sick because he's just told me that he doesn't think there is any hope.

"This is what I'm paying you for!" I snap at him, losing control of my anger.

"Dr Shepherd…"

"Are you seriously telling me that we have no hope in finding her?" I ask, feeling my hands shaking with anguish.

"There is always hope Dr Shepherd," Mr Alford whispers. However, he doesn't look or sound as if he believes what he's saying. "But in this case…"

"I have most of my family telling me to give up! Hell, I even have my own fiancée telling me to give up! You're not seriously about to tell me the same, are you?"

Did I just use the word 'seriously'? Meredith is obsessed with the word.

"Dr Shepherd, it's in my experience that people who aren't found, don't want to be found," he explains.

That stung!

I wasn't prepared to be told that twice in one day.

"Well, how would you know, if these people are never found?" I ask, trying my best to keep my anger at bay because I needed this man to find her- no matter what the cost.

"Look," I try again, finally feeling a little calmer. "Just find her. I don't care what the cost, just find her."

"Dr Shepherd…"

"Just-Find-Her," I speak slowly, emphasising every word and by the look on his face, I can tell that he finally gets it.

"Okay," he nods. "I'll be in touch."

"Thank you," I nod, getting up and leaving his office.

Okay, I am breaking my promise to Rachel but who says she needs to know? Besides, I wasn't the only one who wanted her found and it would break my mom's heart if we give up now.

Meredith has to be found. She just has to.

What possible reason could she have for not wanting to be found?

And with that thought, I am violently sick in Mr Alford's reception area.

* * *

I can't wait to get back into the O.R and forget about my humiliating moment. If Meredith was here then she would know what to say to me. In fact, she'd probably laugh and tell me to snap out of it and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I can feel my cheeks rise slightly as a small smile spread across my face but as quick as I feel it, it is gone because she's not here to comfort me. She's not here at all.

"Derek!"

I turn to see Richard walking down the hospital corridor towards me.

Oh My God!

"Why the hell are you dressed like that?" I ask, unable to stop myself from snorting.

"I have a board meeting," he groans.

"So?" I laugh.

"According to Adele, purple is very becoming," he explains solemnly, clearly not pleased.

"I'd like to contest that," I laugh. Purple is very becoming on men over fifty?

"Derek, I am standing in the hallway where people are 'supposed' to respect me but can't just now because I look like a purple penguin. Any chance you can stop laughing?" He asks, looking mad.

It's very clear who wears the trousers in their marriage if Adele managed to convince him to wear that torturous suit.

"No," I chuckle honestly. "Sorry," I add, trying to sound sincere.

Derek suddenly looks at me with a serious expression and I know what he's about to ask and I suddenly stop laughing.

"Did you hear anything over the holidays?" He asks in a whisper, clearly not wanting anyone else to hear. What's the point in keeping it secret? Everybody knows.

Do you want to know what I hate most? Anytime, I'm asked the question that Richard's just asked, I lose my voice and do exactly what I'm doing now. I shake my head and look to the ground.

"I am so sorry Derek," He whispers solemnly. "I just wish there was something I could do."

"Thanks," I murmur, unsure of what else to say. At least I said something.

I should ask him.

I have to ask him.

"Richard, did she say anything when…when she handed in her resignation?" I ask, unable to stop the quiver in my voice.

I feel absolutely ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a neurosurgeon so I should be strong. I shouldn't be affected like this but this is how she affects me. This is how she always affects me because she always has been and always will be under my skin.

"Derek," Richard starts and then stopped to compose himself. It's easy for me to forget how much this affects Richard too. After all, he always has and always will, see Meredith as his daughter.

"She didn't hand in the resignation to me. She gave it to Jennings…"

Mr Jennings?

"Jennings? From the board?" I ask with surprise. "Why would she do that?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "When I asked him what she said, he told me that she was clearly in a state but she was firm about the fact that it was the right thing to do and that she was sorry."

"The right thing to do," I repeat, wondering what she could have possibly meant by that.

"He said that she kept repeating that and the fact she was very sorry but she wasn't willing to discuss anything," Richard whispers sadly.

I stare at Richard and see how tired and upset he looks.

"I miss her," I confess out loud for the first time in a year. It feels so good to say it out loud. I can't talk to Mark, my sisters or Rachel because they are mad at her and I can't talk to my mom about her because she needs me to be strong. She misses her too.

"I know," he nods sadly. "I miss her too."

"Can you think of any reason why she would…"

"No Derek," he answers firmly. Maybe because I've asked him the same question since I found out she had left. "I honestly can't."

"Me neither," I agree. "This just doesn't make sense to me."

"I know," he nods, patting me on the back. "All we can do is live in the hope that she'll come back one day."

"Do you really believe that Richard?" I ask, not sure whether I want him to be honest or not.

Richard seems to contemplate my question for a moment. Is that a good or bad thing?

"Derek," the old man sighs. "The only thing that keeps me awake at night, worrying about Meredith is her frame of mind before the accident when…"

"Don't Richard," I interject. I can't bare thinking about it. "She was getting better. You know that and every surgeon goes through a breakdown of some description at one point or another."

"I know," he nods but doesn't actually look satisfied with my argument. "It's just…she's just…"

"She's your daughter," I finish for him. Richard isn't her biological father but he is the closest thing she has to a father, especially since her biological father abandoned her when she was eighteen.

"How about the private detective? Does he have any new leads?" Richard pushes, hope present in his voice.

Why do I have to be the one to dash it?

How could Meredith put us through this?

Why would she put us through this?

"No," I gulp. "I'm sorry Richard. There's been nothing."

"I just don't understand how a surgeon can fall off the radar," he whispers sadly.

I nod, understanding exactly what he means but unable to find my voice to say it.

"How was Christmas without her?" Richard blurts out.

That I wasn't expecting.

"Derek, I'm sorry," he whispers sounding regretful. "I can't believe I just…"

"It's ok Richard," I lie. "There's no denying that it was incredibly hard. Mom tried her best but as far as she's concerned, she's lost one of her own. And worst of all, she's lost her without any answers."

"I can sympathise," Richard murmurs quietly. I'm just not sure whether he meant me to hear that or not.

"As for my sisters and Rachel, well, I don't have to explain, do I?" I ask.

"They are still on your back to give up and let her go?" Richard guesses.

I nod in conformation.

"They're just worried about you and your mom Derek," Richard offers lamely.

"I know," I answer. "But right now, I need them to back off."

"Derek, have you tried seeing it from their point of view," Richard prods.

What the hell did he mean by that?

"How do you mean?" I ask hesitantly.

"Well, they love your mom, they love you and they love Meredith, in spite of the fact she's left. They can't think about the reason she left because all they see is the pain that you and your mom are in. That's all they see Derek which is why they behave the way they do. They're hurting just as much as your mom because you were all close but all they see is what you're going through," He explains, and surprisingly enough, I kind of understand what he is saying.

"I need them to understand," I whisper, hoping he'll understand.

"They do Derek. You're just so close that you can't see it," he smiles. "They love you Derek and they love Meredith but Meredith isn't here for them to protect and well…"

"Yeah?" I push, sensing his hesitancy.

"They need someone to blame when it comes to the pain that you and your mom are going through. As well as the pain your sisters are feeling. Unfortunately that person is Meredith," Richard whispers solemnly.

"And Rachel?" I ask in a whisper.

Richard looks stricken.

"Derek, I don't…"

"Please," I plead, hating how pathetic I must sound.

"I think all she wants is your attention. She wants to know that she's your number one priority…"

I feel sick again.

"…and you and I both know that isn't the case," he nods before looking at his watch. "I'm going to be late for my board meeting."

"Richard," I laugh. "If you want to be taken seriously, I suggest you go and get changed into your scrubs and tell them you got held up in the O.R."

I watch on as Richard looks down at himself and groans loudly.

"Richard?"

"Yeah?" He sighs.

"If Adele asked you to give up on finding Meredith, would you do it?" I ask pensively.

"No," he answers immediately. "But then Adele loves me Derek. She would never ask that of me. She would never ask me to choose."

I gulp, shocked by his honesty.

"And I can tell by the expression on your face that it wasn't the answer you wanted," he says, looking guilty. "Derek, I…"

"Thanks for your honesty Richard," I nod. "You're going to be late for your board meeting."

"Oh crap, I have to run," he nods. "I really am sorry Derek."

With that, he turns and heads down the hallway looking like an older version of Willy Wonka.

I only wish that Meredith was here to laugh at him with me.


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Writer's Note – Hope you all enjoy this update. **

**Cristina's Point of View**

I can feel his eyes on me. I've felt them on me for the past ten minutes but I hoped he would go away. Obviously I was wrong because he is still standing further down the corridor, staring at me. We haven't spoken much in the past year. In fact for months, we would only speak if it involved a patient. People often told me that I was being harsh – including my own boyfriend but nobody understands. But that was over ten months ago. Now people leave me alone to get on with my work and don't talk her when I'm in the room. I know that sounds harsh considering I was her 'person' but I can't help how much she hurt me.

As for the man, currently still standing a few feet away from me, watching me…well, I kind of had a screaming match with him nine months ago and told him that I blamed him. And I do blame him. However, as much as I blame him, I blame myself more. We had such a stupid argument and never spoke to one another for a month before the accident which makes me look and feel horrible because I turned my back on her when she needed me the most. Something I now have to live with for the rest of my life.

I blame Derek.

I blame Meredith.

I blame Rachel.

And most importantly, I blame myself.

I can't talk to Derek. We've been avoiding each other for the past nine months and that's the way I liked it. Why should it change now? I have to make my escape.

"Cristina?" Derek said my name in a questioning voice from right behind me.

Crap!

What am I supposed to do now?

I could pretend I haven't heard him and walk away but then that would be obvious and something was telling me that he would just follow.

"Cristina!" he speaks more urgently, causing me to jump slightly. I still don't turn around to face him though.

"Have a heart for me to repair?" I ask, not even bothering to turn around and face him. I'm trying to sound relaxed as if I don't care what he has to tell me but I think it's safe to say that I couldn't even full Derek anymore.

"No," he answers instantly. "I need to…uh…"

Please go away Derek, I plead silently.

"If you're looking for Owen, he's in the pit," I inform him, hoping it will work.

"Actually, it's you I was looking for," He states simply.

Crap! My wishing didn't work.

I turn to face the man I loathed most in the world because every time I look at him, I see Meredith staring back at me.

Pull yourself together Cristina. I have to be strong. I have to be distant. I tell myself this every morning and every time I feel I'm slipping from the rules I set myself because if I don't have my 'person', the only other thing I have, apart from my husband, is the control. I need to be in control.

"Didn't you know it's rude to stare?" I snipe at him.

"Didn't you know it's rude to ignore people?" He snipes back.

Well, he has me there.

"You consider yourself 'people'?" I shoot back sarcastically.

He looks taken aback but it only lasts a second before he looks down to the ground and then back up at me with a guilty expression.

I know what's coming.

"No!" I shake my head and begin to storm down the hall with him at my tail.

"Cristina!" He shouts after me but his voice is incredibly close. I have to move faster if I want to get out of this conversation.

Crap!

Suddenly I feel him grab my elbow and spin me around to face him.

Asshole!

"What? What the hell do you want?" I ask, already sounding defensive.

"I need to talk to you about Meredith," he answers me firmly.

He wants to talk about Meredith now? I've went nine months without talking about her and he wasn't going to ruin it for me now.

"Absolutely not," I respond, showing there is no room for argument. I glare at him in the hope to scare him off.

"Cristina," he sighs. "I…uh…i…"

"How can I get out of this conversation?" I ask.

"By having it," he nods seriously, sounding like my superior.

"Don't," I shake my head. "Don't speak to me like you're my boss. You're not anymore. You haven't been for over a year Dr Shepherd."

Ok, I'm being petty but I can't help it. He's an ass.

An image of the day Meredith and I becoming attending's pops into my mind and I can feel myself smiling for the first time in a long time which makes me turn around and begin to walk away again but his voice stops me in my tracks.

"Rachel wants me to call off the search," he whispers just enough for me to hear him.

I spin back around again to look him straight in the eye and I realise he isn't kidding. He wasn't actually considering it? Was he?

Of course he was. When it comes to Little Miss Perfect, she always gets what she wants.

"Little Miss Princess wants you to call off the search and you're considering it?" I ask, already knowing what his answer is.

"Cristina," He warns. He hated when I mocked his fiancée but then he never hated it when Meredith did it. When the hell was he going to open his eyes and see what was staring him in the face?

"Derek?" I push.

"I just…I hate this more than you know. I know you blame me…"

I wince inwardly at his words. Hearing him say it out loud just does not sound right.

"…I know I'm the last person you want to talk to, especially about…"

"Her," I but in. I hate hearing her name because for some reason, it makes her absence feel all the more real.

Derek looks stricken.

"Meredith!" He snaps. "Her name is Meredith. Go on, Cristina! Say it. Say her name Cristina!"

"What do you want from me Derek?" I shout, before I turn and realise that there are people staring at us.

"I want you to tell me I'm not crazy for trying to find her?" He pleads at me with anger still blaring from his eyes.

"What if she doesn't want to be found?" I think, without realising that I've spoken aloud, until I see the hurt in Derek's eyes.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He asks, threading his fingers through his hair which Meredith always warned me was a sign of him being stressed out and that I should always tread carefully when he does that.

I have to stop doing this. I have to stop associating everything I see, say or do with Meredith. I'm slowly being drive insane. What use is that advice anyway? The person who gave me it is gone…for good.

"Maybe because it's the truth," I retaliate, ignoring the voice in my head that sounds like Meredith, telling me to back off and be supportive.

"So you think I should call off the search?" He asks, looking stunned.

Of course not . For a brain surgeon, he's not that smart.

"I did not say that," I shake my head.

Crap! I really know how to put my foot in it.

"Thanks Cristina," he whispers, clearly hurt by my shrug of an answer. "Crazy me for thinking you and I could actually come together and help find her! Crazy me for actually thinking you care about what's happening to her!"

Ouch!

Suddenly, Derek has spun around and he's the one walking away from me.

Why do I now feel so alone?

* * *

**Derek's Point of View**

I need to calm down.

I need to calm down.

I kept telling myself this over and over in the O.R this afternoon but it wasn't helping. If anything, I was only getting angrier. I went to Cristina feeling nervous and fearful as to what she may tell me once I tried to break her shell but I never expected to walk away from her feeling overwhelmingly livid.

Am I being unreasonable?

Meredith and Cristina were best friends. They had been since they started their internship at Seattle Grace six years ago. A couple of days after their internship, I transferred here from New York after finding my wife in bed with my best friend. I was only a fourth year resident then not long away from going into my final year and becoming chief resident.

When I moved to Seattle, I was alone, depressed, angry and basically, not myself. Meredith brought me out of my shell and helped me deal with my issues. She even helped me resolve things with Mark when he moved out here two years later. She understood mark in a way I never could. I never understood how she did it, how she got people through the hard times in life, because she had such a difficult upbringing but she helped everybody through the dark stuff. I always had this theory it was because she had seen worse. She had survived worse so she knew how to help everybody through.

The one department I was able to help Meredith with was family. She had never really had one here and she quickly developed a dysfunctional one here, at Seattle Grace as well as my own family who adopted her as one of her own. The first time I ever seen Meredith Grey cry was when my mum had told her that she could call her mum.

As for Cristina, well, we didn't exactly see eye to eye at first. Truth be told, it took me a long time to understand how Meredith could possibly choose Yang as her 'person'. But eventually, I opened my eyes and scene what the two of them shared. As I got to know Meredith, I always worried that Yang would end up hurting her but one thing you could never say about Yang was that she wasn't loyal, which is exactly what her and Meredith have in common. Most people like to believe they are loyal and nine times out of ten they are but most people forget what is important in their life and allow loyalty to slip. Not Meredith. People would kill for her sense of loyalty. If Cristina killed someone, she would know to call on Meredith to drag the body to a ditch somewhere and Meredith would do it. No questions asked.

Slam!

This is just perfect – not!

"Who the hell do you think you are? You know I can't talk about her!" Cristina screams, as she slams my office door shut. The anger is literally blazing from her eyes as she stares me down. "You have no idea how hard it is for me!"

She did not just say that to me. I have to be hearing things. Why did she have to be so insensitive?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I snap, standing from my desk.

Did I just swear? I never swear.

"I'm doing everything I can to find her! Whereas you…"

"I what, Derek? I what?" She pushes, clearly wanting an argument.

I've had enough of this. I've had enough of her attitude.

"You act as if you can't be bothered. As if she didn't even exist!" I snap.

Slap!

I can feel my cheek burn and my insides heat with anger. I try and rub my cheek to calm the sting before I look up and see the tears in Cristina's eyes.

Shit.

"What are you saying? That I don't care?" She screams at me.

"Cristina," I sigh. What do I tell her? "It's just…"

"You know I think you've got some nerve, saying that to me. I don't care?" she screeches as tears run down her face. "This is so typical of you! She was my best friend and she just vanished into thin air, leaving nothing behind but a pathetic little note and a lot of heartache!"

"When she left and we pulled in the police, you told them they should look for her body!" I scream, not caring if anyone can hear us.

Cristina looks stung for a second and it gives me a chance to compose myself.

"I still do," she whispers so quietly, I almost can't hear her.

"Still what?" I push, leaning against the front of my desk to support my now wavering body.

"Think we're looking for a body," she whispers, looking at the ground.

No!

"No!" I shout. The idea that Meredith is dead is preposterous.

"Yes!" she screams back, her face red from the anger and the hurt.

"No!" I wasn't going to allow her to think it, whether she wanted to or not.

No Fucking way!

"You know what her frame of mind was like after that child died in her O.R Derek," Cristina started, pacing my office floor as I remain glued to the front edge of my desk. "She wasn't the same and then the two of you got into the accident only a month later. She was bound to feel…"

"Feel what Cristina? Feel what? How would you know what she felt? You weren't their! You were too busy with your marriage and surgery to care that your best friend was going through hell! Your best friend needed you and you turned your back!" I shout. I know I'm being harsh but I need Cristina to wake up and help me find Meredith. She's the only person who can really help me.

"Don't hold back asshole," she mutters. "And you have a cheek to talk!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Rachel!" she retorts.

"Don't you…"

"If you are so convinced that Meredith is alive and in trouble then that should be enough for you to continue looking for her! Why the hell do you need my opinion? Why are you allowing Rachel to dictate to you whether you should find her or not?"

"You have no idea what you are talking about," I reply, the words sounding flat because I know in my heart…she's right.

"Oh, don't i?" she retorts sarcastically. "Your mother moved here after the accident to help with your recovery and to help find Meredith. Right?"

I nod, speechless. This is the longest Cristina has spoken to me in months, even when it comes to our patients.

"How many times has Rachel asked you to ask or even tell her to move out?"

The number twelve pops into my head automatically.

"Cristina," I sigh.

"How many Derek?" she pushes with a sigh, sitting on the couch at the side of the room.

"Twelve," I mutter in a whisper. What the hell did this have to do with anything?

"And how many times have you shrugged it off?" She asks bluntly. But then, this is Cristina Yang. She only knows being blunt.

"This isn't…"

"How many times Derek?"

"We've argued about it a few times and the rest of the time, she picks a time to talk about it when I'm exhausted so I don't have the energy to argue and that's when i shrug it off," I explain quietly, feeling incredibly guilty about the topic of conversation.

"My mum's not moving out Cristina," I add. "I wouldn't do that to her. She believes that Meredith is alive as much as I do."

I finally look up to see that Cristina is no longer sitting on the couch. She's standing right in front of me, staring at me intently.

"Why the hell do you think I'm unable to talk about her Derek? I know what I did and I have to live with that for the rest of my life…"

"Cristina…" I try and interrupt but she holds up her hand, not allowing it for a second.

"…I know what did Derek and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't regret it. Do I think that in her frame of mind, she could have..."

"Please don't," I plead. This was a thought that often creeps into my mind and I had to spend a lot of energy getting it out my mind.

"Possibly," she continues. "But you are the one who believes that's she's out there and that you can find her so why are you allowing some woman to tell you differently? Why are you allowing her to tell you what to do?"

"Rachel isn't just some woman Cristina," I argue. "And we have to understand this from her point of view…"

"Oh, I understand alright," she interrupts. "Little Miss Princess isn't centre of attention so she tries her best to manipulate the situation to her advantage!"

"Cristina…"

Think Derek. She's insulting your future wife. You're supposed to defend her. But then how come I can't get the words out?

"Derek, did you ever think that if she was the true love of your life, she wouldn't allow you to give up on the one person who matters most to you in the world?"

Why can't I think of an answer?

Why the hell won't an answer come to me?

"Owen does everything he can to look for Meredith in his spare time, because he knows I can't. A year later and he still takes days off to drive around Seattle in the hope of finally finding her for me, even though he knows what I believe. Do you know why?" She asks Derek but answers before he has a chance to even answer. "He does it because he knows I want nothing more than to be proved wrong in this one circumstance," she explains softly. "Derek, whether you choose to believe it or not, that girl is manipulating you and if she really loved you, she would never ask you to give up on Meredith."

She's right. She's actually right.

"I owe her," I whisper as Cristina moves to the door.

"You owe her nothing Derek," she whispers. "That woman only does something when she can get something out of it."

"She supported me through the accident Cristina," I retort.

"No, she didn't Derek," she smiles sadly. "Your mum did. Sure Rachel was there but she didn't help you in the way your mum and your sisters did."

"But…"

I go to defend Rachel again but no words are coming out my mouth. Why?

"Do you honestly believe she's alive?" Cristina asks quietly, gripping tightly onto the door handle.

"I do," I respond immediately.

"Ok then," she nods with a small smile.

"Ok?" I ask. What the hell did she mean?

"We will do it your way," she smiles sadly. "We'll work together to try and find her but if our own trail leads to nothing Derek then I'm giving up. I have to move on for my sake and Owen's."

"Ok," I nod, feeling a strange and small sense of relief.

"Ok, I…uh…better get back," she whispers, opening my office door.

"Cristina?" I whisper.

"Yeah?" She turns to me and I can still see the tears in her eyes that she is doing everything she can to hold back.

"Thank you," I say, feeling myself smile.

"I'm not doing it for you," she responds honestly. "I'm doing it for her."

And with that, she was gone from my office.

I smile sadly because I don't think I've ever been so proud of Cristina. And if Meredith was here, she would be proud of her too.

In the past year, I had never felt an ounce of relief until now but I have to remember that the fight…it's only just begun.


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note - You all get a big insight in this update so it is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT that you read the paragraphs at th****e beginning of this update…**

**Carolyn's Point of View**

I need air. Normally, I love doing this type of thing and hosting a small party like this always put a smile on my face but I just cannot enjoy it today. My son is going through so much right now and I am trying to be happy for him but no matter how hard I try, Rachel makes it a million times harder for me. Although, this isn't something I would ever admit to any of my family – especially my son.

I should be happy right now because all my girls have flown in for the weekend to help plan the wedding of my one and only son. But every time I even try to contemplate wedding plans, I always end up thinking about what Meredith would like and what Meredith would want. Even Derek has been doing it a lot but I'm unsure whether he realises how much he's doing it. Anytime Rachel mentions an element of the wedding plans to Derek, he automatically answers with what Meredith would want. I've lost count of the amount of times she's snapped back, saying it isn't Meredith's wedding, it's hers. And Derek, my son, just sits back and takes it. The only time he'll argue is when she mentions the guest list because he's convinced Meredith is going to be back in time for the wedding. I hope that she comes home every day but even if she was, I highly doubt she would ever attend Derek's wedding because the one thing my son has been guilty of for a long time is not seeing what has been right under his nose since he moved to Seattle – the love of his life.

Rachel was planning a big lavish wedding which, I know in my heart; Meredith would never want nor would Derek. Don't get me wrong, this is Rachel's day and she knows it, but it's also my son's big day. Rationally I know Rachel has a right to snap and yell because Derek is being unfair to her by stringing her along like this but then the problem is that he doesn't see what's right in front of him. He's marrying Rachel, now, as a sense of duty for the fact she stuck by him through the accident…when Meredith didn't.

I feel cold. That's something that has never made sense to me; it still doesn't. I know how much she loved my son. Correction - how much she is in love with him, which is why I can't think of a single reason as to why she would just disappear the way she did. All I know is, it had to be something bad because Derek and her were joined at the hip and there is no way that she would leave him in his time of need, unless absolutely necessary. No way.

Of course there had been an investigation by the police and they found CCTV footage of her leaving the car park of Seattle Grace, unharmed which led Derek to contacting the best private investigator in town. Of course, when it came to the police investigation, Cristina had told them what happened a month before the accident when Meredith lost a patient she was extremely close to and a kid no less. She was heartbroken and blamed herself. The fact that she hadn't long become an attending hadn't helped. I thought watching her blame herself for the child's death was incredibly hard to watch and no matter how much time Derek and I spent trying to convince her it wasn't her fault, she still didn't listen. Meredith ended up walking out of the hospital which resulted in a huge fight between her and Cristina. I know Cristina was only looking out for her and trying to push her into what was best but at the time, I was annoyed with her and I made sure she knew it.

Meredith was so heartbroken, she retreated into herself and to say we were all worried was an understatement. I had flown out with Kathleen the moment I had got the call from Derek to tell me she had lost the patient and was taking it incredibly hard. I have always been protective of that girl; I always will. Anyway, Meredith had got so angry at Derek for telling me and Kathleen about what happened and allowing us to fly out here to 'mother' her and 'shrink' her as she so angrily put it. She stopped talking to Derek at that point much to Rachel's delight and to my concern. Although, my worries were put at ease when Derek put his foot down when he phoned to tell me that he was on his way to Meredith's to tell her that if she wanted to be angry at him then fine but there was no way in hell he was going to allow her to be alone when she needed him.

Sigh.

"Mom?" Amelia's voice whispered, coming from Derek's kitchen doorway. I still can't call this place home even though I have been living here for over a year. It's not because Rachel makes me feel unwelcome but because Meredith is not here with me.

I plaster a smile on my face and turn to face my youngest child.

"Yes sweetheart?" I ask with a beaming, fake smile. "Can I get you anything?"

"You were thinking about her, weren't you?" Amelia asks, smiling sadly.

Meredith.

"Who?" I ask, even though I know fine well who she's talking about. I try and act as if I don't but she can see right through me.

"You know fine well who," she whispers, looking at me knowingly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I murmur, turning to the kitchen unit and giving it a wipe down. I can feel Amelia walk up behind me and I can swear she's wearing the same perfume that Meredith loves.

"Mom, I…"

"She loves that," I blurt out surprisingly, not even thinking about what I'm doing or saying.

"She loved what mom?" Amelia asks.

I feel myself wince at her words.

"Loves Amelia," I whisper, sounding harsh, causing even Amelia to wince slightly. "Loves."

Silence.

"She loves what Mom?" she asks again making me smile slightly.

"Your perfume," I smile sadly, turning back round to face her.

"Oh," Amelia nods, looking down at the floor. This happened anytime one of the girls spoke to me about Meredith.

Did they forget that she was their sister? Did they forget she was their friend?

"I'll never forget that Christmas when I bought it for her. She was so happy and excited. Then I got excited because she was more excited about my present to her; over everybody else's," she giggles.

I can feel myself smile because for the first time, one of my daughter's is actually talking about Meredith to me.

"I remember you teased Derek for weeks after that Christmas, about it," I laugh. "He even avoided your calls at one point, didn't he?"

"He did," Amelia giggles. "She would have hated this," she states with a small, sad smile. "She would have literally hated all of this."

"She would have," I agree, feeling sadness overwhelm me once again.

Will this ever go away?

"We had better get back in there," I smile as my daughter groans in response. "Now stop that and help me with these plates of food."

"Everything looks delicious mom," she smiles at me as we both pick up the plates and head on into the living room.

"Everything ok?" Kathleen asks us as we put the plates on the coffee table.

"Everything is fine," Amelia assures her but I can sense she's giving Kathleen a warning look behind my back.

"Everything smells great mom," Sophie smiles, digging in straight away, before I can even stop her.

"Oh yes Carolyn," Rachel pipes up. "It all smells lovely but would you mind if I skip the eating. All those carbs and the fat, are not good for me, especially so close to the wedding."

Snooty bitch.

"That's fine Rachel," I smile tightly as I share an outraged look with Sophie.

"I love that one," I hear Nancy whisper from behind me.

"No way," I hear Rachel gasp, appalled by whatever Nancy has suggested, from the magazine they were looking at, and weirdly enough it makes me smile. I decide it's best to sit in the arm chair and watch everything going on between Rachel and my girls.

If only I could watch over Meredith.

"Have Derek and you talked about children?" Amelia asks bluntly, smiling at me knowingly.

That's my Amelia, always as bold as can be. Nothing ever phases' her. I suppose that is why she is a phenomenal neurosurgeon. Just like her brother…and Meredith.

"Yes," Rachel answers tersely, sipping on her wine glass, sitting on her god damn high horse, like she's the bloody Queen of Sheba. "We've talked about it a lot recently and decided to use a surrogate."

"Oh Rachel, I had no idea that you couldn't have…" Kathleen starts but Rachel interrupts her.

"Oh, no," she giggles. "I can have children, I just don't want to."

What?

"I don't understand," I slip out, feeling myself grow incredibly confused.

"Well," she starts, looking at me directly. "I don't want to get fat nor do I want stretch marks and Derek wants a child that is biologically his so that rules' out adoption which means the only option is a surrogate."

Did she really just say that?

Silence. Everybody in the living room goes silent, staring shockingly at Rachel.

"What?" she asks defensively. "It's our lives. It's our decision!"

"There's no need to yell Rachel," I respond instantly. It's the mother in me. I can't help it. "I think it's safe to say, we are just surprised, that's all."

"Well, it's our life Carolyn," Rachel retaliates hotly, making me feel rather stunned. "It's our choice, not yours."

"Rachel!" Nancy and Amelia admonish. Sophie and Kathleen look too stunned.

"I didn't say it was Rachel," I reply, not sure of what else to say but if that girl thinks she can get away with speaking to me like that then she's got another thing coming.

"No offense to all you girls," she nods towards all my children who are staring on stunned. "But I just can't imagine why woman would want to do it."

"You mean the miracle of life?" Sophie answers smartly and I can tell she's ready to get on the defence.

"If that's what you want to call it," Rachel mocks her eagerly.

"So what happens if you fall pregnant accidently?" Nancy asks curiously.

"I have an abortion," she shrugs, as if it's no big deal.

I cannot take this.

"Oh, you don't mean that," I say gently, shaking my head; although I can feel my blood beginning to boil.

"Why not?" she retorts. "Oh, let me guess. Because it isn't what your precious Meredith would do!"

Now that is crossing the line.

"You're right! Meredith would never do such a despicable thing!" I yell, losing my temper.

It actually feels good.

"You mean as despicable as leaving her best friend when he was in a god damn coma?! You mean as despicable as leaving her family behind without so much as a goodbye!" Rachel retaliates vehemently. "Why don't you just accept she is dead Carolyn? Derek has!"

"No, he hasn't!" I retort instantly, ignoring the shiver that trembles down my spine as I feel tears sting my eyes.

"Then why has he called off the search!" she shouts at the top of her voice.

"He what?" Me and four other voices ask together. Derek wouldn't do that. He would never do that. Meredith is the love of his life; even if he is too stubborn to see it.

"At lunch time, Derek went down to the private detectives office and called off the search because even he knows that you will never find her! It's time to let her go Carolyn before we end up forced to send you into the nuthouse!"

Before any one of us can respond, she storms out of the room and up the stairs and the tears I was holding back finally fall as I feel my four girls sit next to me and offer me comfort with hugs and kisses as well as words of assurance.

But it isn't them I want comfort or reassurance from - its Derek because I need to know that he has not given up hope on the very girl that holds his heart.

The love of his life.

* * *

**Derek's Point of View**

I was relieved when Mark asked me to join him at Joe's when we were in surgery this afternoon. I need a break and I'll need a stiff drink before I head home to six very demanding women. I know mom will be struggling with today because when Rachel brings up the wedding, it's just a reminder to mom of the possibility Meredith may not be there for it.

Hell, Meredith doesn't even know I'm engaged.

I'm trying my best to focus on going out with Mark and Owen at Joes tonight but before I meet them there, I have to go somewhere else…and this place is definitely no fun. I'll only stop by for half n' hour because I honestly can't manage staying there much longer than that. I do this for Meredith, not for…

Ring, ring.

Crap.

Looking at my screen on my Blackberry, I can see my mom is calling me. This can't be good.

"Hey mom," I answer the phone, sounding as chirpy as I can possibly muster.

"Derek," she sobbed down the phone.

What the hell?

"Mom," I whisper, surprised to hear her crying. What or who has got her in such a state? "What's wrong?"

"Is it true?" she gasps out, in a struggle.

Oh no! Oh no, Rachel wouldn't. She couldn't have. She would not do that to me or mom.

"Is what true?" I ask, already dreading her answer.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" she admonishes down the phone.

This wasn't good.

"Mom, I…"

"I think if you're going to call off the search and defeat the fight then the least you could do is have the courtesy to tell…"

"I haven't given up mom," I interrupt, worrying about the state she's getting herself into. "Nor have I told the investigator to call off the search."

"Then why…"

"Because I told Rachel that to get her off my back mom," I confess with a sigh. "I know that sounds harsh and I should have told you but I didn't think it would come up in conversation today."

"So you are lying to your fiancé?" she asks bluntly.

Good old ma. I can always rely on her to be bold.

"Not lying exactly," I hesitate. "I'm just bending the truth."

"In other words, you're lying," she whispers, clearly un-amused.

"Mom," I sigh, feeling exasperated. "Rachel is really worried about us both and I am doing this for her best interest."

Okay, that's a lie but how can I tell my mom that I am lying to my fiancée because she is an insensitive bitch?

"Oh?" she questions oddly. "She's worried about both of us?"

"She is," I nod, "She's so worried about us that she…"

"That she wants to admit me to the psych ward," my mom whispers in a dead pan voice.

"Exac...Wait! What?" I ask, shock coursing through me.

Did she really just say that?

"Your fiancée took great delight in telling me how worried you both were about me; that you had discussed sending me to the… now how did she put it again?" she hesitates. "Oh yes, if I don't let Meredith go then you will both be forced to send me straight to the nuthouse!"

She said what?

"Mom," I whisper guiltily, at a loss for words. How could Rachel do that to her?

Shit!

"So come on Derek? Is it true?" she asks bluntly.

What the fuck? Surely she doesn't think that. I can feel anger rise inside me. Anger, I can honestly say, I have never felt before.

"Is it…Mom, you can't be serious. I would never do that!" I scold.

"Maybe, it's me you're lying to instead of your fiancée!" She snaps.

"Don't be so ridiculous," I admonish. I cannot believe I've just did that. "You know how much your support means to me…you know how much…Meredith means to me. I'm not giving up on her and I do not think you are in any way crazy!"

Phew, I feel better for that.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd! You do not get to yell at me!" she shouts.

"Like you are yelling at me now?" I ask, trying to reason with her. "Mom, I love Meredith so much but today all I have heard about is other people's opinions of what I should do. Leave Rachel to me! I'll handle her. I promise," I vow to the upset woman on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry she hurt you like that."

My mind is spinning and hearing what Rachel said to my mum earlier has finally made my blood reach boiling point.

"Derek, it wasn't what she said about me to me that hurt me but what she said about Meredith," I hear my mom sigh.

Oh no.

"What did she say about Meredith?" I ask, feeling my hands shake.

"She told me that we need to accept the fact she is dead," she sobbed.

I'm going to kill her. How could she do that to her? She knows how much Meredith means to mom…and to me.

"Oh mom," I sigh, feeling horrible knowing that she is going through so much torture. "I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she gasped out.

If Meredith was here, she would know what to say to make her feel better.

"Meredith has a lot to answer for when she gets home," I mutter.

"That's the spirit sweetheart," she whispers, and I can tell she's smiling. "Just try not to sound so bitter."

"I'll try," I smile, breathing a huge sigh of relief. "Where's Rachel now?"

"She's out," she sighed. "And the girls are at the hotel to get some sleep before they come here for dinner."

"I'm not going to make it home for dinner Mom, but I promise I will handle Rachel as soon as I'm home later tonight,"

"That's okay sweetheart," she replies to my relief. "Mark already told me that you're going out for a boy's night out tonight. It will do you the world of good."

"Thanks," I smile. I really do have the best mom. What did I ever do to deserve her?

"You will have something to eat before you go though, right?" she asks, sounding exactly like a mom should.

"You do realise I am a grown man?" I ask with a sigh.

"Derek," she warns me. Nothing ever gets past that woman.

Apart from Meredith.

"Mom, I have to go see Ellis before I meet the guys at Joe's," I sigh, hating the idea of going to the home but I have to do it for Meredith.

"I'll go Derek," she suggests.

"No, mom," I cut her off, hating the idea of her in that place by herself. It is a hell hole. In fact, that's an understatement.

"Derek," she admonishes lightly. "I'll go and you make sure and have something to eat before you meet the guys at the bar."

"You have dinner with…"

"I have plenty of time to spare. Stop worrying," she asserts. Although, I know that she knows, it is no use telling me that because I have and always will worry.

"Okay then," I sigh. I've had enough of fighting today as well as people telling me what to do but I can't tell her that. She's doing me a favour and she's already been put through enough today.

"Good," she whispers.

"Tell the girls I'm sorry that I can't make dinner and that I'll see them tomorrow for breakfast," I whisper, although I don't feel guilty in the slightest. The only thing I feel guilty about is the heartache Rachel put my mom through this afternoon. What the hell came over her?

"Don't worry sweetheart," she assures me. "They will understand."

I can feel myself smile and I honestly don't remember when I last smiled for real.

"One more thing before you go," I add.

"What's that sweetheart?" she asks.

"Where's Rachel now?" I ask bitterly.

"I'm not sure sweetheart," she mumbles quietly, losing the confidence in her voice. "She stormed out of the house when the girls confronted her about what she said."

Where does she get off hurting an old woman like my mom?

Where does Meredith get off hurting her by disappearing without a word?

"I'll handle it mom," I repeat. "I promise," I say once again to assure her. I really will handle this.

"Ok," she murmurs. "I have to go now but have fun tonight and give Mark and Owen my love."

"Will do mom," I breathe.

"Bye sweetheart," she says down the phone.

"Bye," I whisper, hanging up.

Where the hell did she go? Where the hell are you?

Shit!

I should be thinking about where Rachel is, not Meredith. Why do I have to care so much about Meredith when she obviously doesn't about me otherwise she'd be here. Wouldn't she?

Why do I have to love her so much?


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Sorry that the update is short but I hope you enjoy it…

**Carolyn's Point of View**

To say I am relieved that Derek is out for a boy's night is an understatement. I have wanted him to try and do normal day to day things for so long; things like a boy's night out. Things that did not involve nor centre on work. He needs this so much. He needs to be my Derek again because right now, he is just a shell of the person he was.

I hate this place with a passion, as did Derek; especially on days where Ellis is not lucid. The past year has been even harder as there have been moments, few and far between where Ellis has been lucid and would ask for Meredith. We would always tell her that she was working and would be by later to see her. It sounds so horrible but at the end of the day, she would not remember what we told her. Richard, Derek and I thought it would be better saying she's at work instead of explaining to her what was really going on and agitate her.

Walking into the main hallway of the care home, I can see the two receptionists smiling at me with such warmth. They always asked after Meredith as well as making me and Derek feel so welcome and at home here. They and the care nurses make coming here all that much easier.

"Hello Mrs Shepherd," Katie, one of the receptionists smiles at me. "We weren't expecting you today."

"I'm afraid Derek has been held up at the hospital," I lie with a smile. "So I thought I would drop by for a visit."

"I wish my mom was like you," she smiles.

"How do you mean?" I ask, curious. I am a rather nosy bugger at times.

"Considerate," she nods and we both laugh. It feels good to laugh, even if it is only for a few seconds.

"These are for you," I nod, lifting the basket of muffins I had baked earlier while Rachel stood over me asking me if I knew how many calories were in just one muffin before she proceeded to ask me if I could do us all a favour and stop baking.

I try and smile at Katie and put the memory to the back of my mind.

"Mrs Shepherd, you are too kind," she smiles with delight. "They smell delicious, as always."

"How many times Katie?" I scorn her playfully. "It's Carolyn."

"How are things with the soon to be daughter in law from hell?" she asks knowingly.

"Worse than ever," I reply honestly.

"How come?" she asks, seeming genuinely interested.

"Let's just say there was a big confrontation at the house today which led her to…"

Should I tell her? What harm could it do? And she's such a lovely girl.

"Led her too?" she asks gently, walking around the desk to stand beside me for a bit of privacy.

"It led her to say that if I didn't stop looking for Meredith then her and Derek would be forced to admit me to the nuthouse…to…to section me," I sob. I tried to hold it back but I couldn't hold my emotions any longer. I hate crying in front of people. I really do. Hell, I even hate crying in front of my own family.

I can feel Katie's arms come around me and squeeze me to her in a warm, affectionate embrace.

"That bitch," she whispers. "Excuse my language."

"That's alright," I laugh slightly, pulling away from her. "I've said much worse this afternoon."

"Why don't we go into the kitchen for a coffee?" she suggests and as I begin to shake my head, she continues to persist. "I'm on my break now. We can have a nice cup of coffee while we chat. Besides, you can't go in and see Ellis like this."

"I'm fine," I insist.

"Now you sound like Meredith," she smiles sadly and I can feel myself smiling in return. Nobody ever really talks about her freely anymore.

"Oh Katie," I cry in exasperation. "Where the hell is she?"

"I don't know Carolyn. I wish I did," she replies sadly. "Come on," Katie urges. "Let's get you a nice cup of coffee."

Katie leads me into the small kitchen beside the reception desk and closes the door for privacy. She then proceeds to open the patio doors that lead to the big garden at the back of the home which Meredith always loved. It was the main thing that drew her to choosing this home for Ellis and I didn't blame her because their grounds were spectacular. The exact same could be said for their staff too.

Katie urges me to sit at the table on the patio while she dishes out coffee and a couple of muffins for us. The sun is shining today which is a rarity in Seattle. Is Meredith even in Seattle? Did she leave Seattle? Hell, is she even in America?

Is she even alive?

Crap! I promised myself that I would never ask myself that. My girl was alive and safe and nobody would tell me differently. Nobody! Not unless they could show me their dead body which nobody could because she is not dead.

God, my thoughts are rambling juts like the way Meredith speaks when she's nervous.

"What did Derek say when Rachel said that?" Katie asks as she places a cup of hot, steaming coffee and a plate, with a muffin on it, in front of me.

"He wasn't there but I spoke to him an hour ago on the phone," I shrug.

"And?" she persists as she sat across from me.

"He says he will handle it," I sigh.

"But you don't think he will?" she asks, sounding surprised as well as looking rather perplexed.

"Derek will handle it the way he thinks best under the circumstances," I start to explain. "He will yell at her for it, she'll give this big sob story to go along with her excuse and he'll forgive her the way he always does."

"Seriously?" she asks with shock.

"Hmm," I sigh, knowing that it is exactly how Derek will handle it. "Derek's changed in the past year."

"Because of the accident or because of Meredith going missing?" Katie asks gently. She has that way about her where she could probably get a murderer to confess. She's just such a gentle, loving and caring person.

"Because he has no idea where Meredith is and what caused her to leave. If she…if she…"

"If she left willingly," she finishes for me, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

"Exactly," I nod, shaking slightly.

"I wish there was something I could say or do to help Carolyn," she whispers.

"You are helping sweetheart," I smile sadly at her, taking a sip of coffee to compose myself.

"Do you believe she will come back one day?" She asks lightly.

"I have to Katie," I assert. "I have to."

The young woman sitting across from me nods and I get the sense that she understands more than she is letting on.

"What was Derek like?" she asks as she takes a bite of my home baked muffin.

"How do you mean?" I ask, unsure of what she is asing.

"What was he like before all of this happened?" she asks. I love this girl because as much as she is gentle and kind, she also does not beat around the bush and isn't afraid to talk about the things that my family are.

"He was…he was an optimist. He was a family guy who carried everybody's worries and concerns on his shoulder but you would never be able to tell by looking at him," I start to explain with a smile. I could not be more proud of the man he became. "He was so happy and full of life despite the death he had to deal with as a doctor."

"And now?" she pushes.

"And now he is a shell of the man he used to be," I whisper honestly.

"What is it?" Katie asks, sensing I'm holding back.

"He's a shell of the man he used to be because the love of his life is not here," I murmur, feeling my heart break all over again.

"The love of his life?" she asks, looking at me oddly.

"Meredith," I mumble, as the tears start to stream down my face once again and Katie looks as if she has finally put the pieces together.

"Oh," she murmurs.

"Yes," I nod. "Oh."

"They're in love with one another?" she gasps.

"Yes," I smile sadly.

"But…how…"

"Because neither of them realise it yet…or at least Derek doesn't," I answer glumly, realising what Katie was trying to ask.

"He will realise Carolyn," She asserts with such optimism that I wish I had.

"I know," I nod, because I know he will. "I just hope he's not too late when he does."

Katie gives me a sad smile as we sit and eat our muffins in a peaceful silence.

* * *

I feel so much better after talking to Katie. She isn't much older than Meredith and in so many ways, she reminds me of her so there are time when I talk to her, I feel as if I'm talking to my Meredith about Rachel and the things that are bugging me in life. I can feel myself smile at the thought. Meredith always had a way about her, making me talk without even realising it. She was incredibly talented at it.

There was one thing we bonded over and that was our love and worry for Derek. The bond just grew stronger and stronger from there. Meredith and I became joined at the hip though when Rachel entered the picture. Meredith and Rachel clashed from the offset for the simple reason that Rachel was threatened by Meredith. In fact, she still is. We both tried to give Rachel a chance because she was becoming a part of Derek's life. However, she made it impossible. I don't know what Derek has ever seen in her and when I start to think of the wedding, tears come to my eyes.

He's marrying the wrong woman. He is marrying the very woman that is going to make him as miserable as can be.

"Where's Meredith?" Ellis asks me for the fifth time as she paces the floor in front of me. She looks so pale and fragile. She is a lot worse than she has been before.

"She's working," I repeat solemnly, feeling myself become dizzy as I watch her pace back and forth.

"You're lying," she accuses, stopping to stare at me. "You're lying to me!"

Did she really just say that? I am. I am lying but I can't tell her the truth.

How could I tell her the truth?

"She's hurt!" She's hurt!" She starts to shout at me.

What makes her think that? How can she possibly know that? I know she gets confused but she doesn't make things up.

"What makes you say that?" I ask gently, desperately wanting to know, as I stand to encourage her to try and sit down but she flinches at my touch, looking at me with fearful eyes.

"Who are you?" She asks, looking lost and confused.

"I'm Carolyn, Ellis," I smile, trying to show her that she's okay and that she is safe. "Derek's mum."

"Derek? Derek?" she questions as if trying to place him in her mind but he wouldn't be able to.

"Derek is…" I start, knowing she wouldn't be able to place Derek in her mind but then Ellis interrupts.

"He was in a car accident," she nods, looking a little relieved.

What? What did she just say? Did she just say that?

"Yes, he was," I feel myself nod in shock. How could she know that?

"Meredith is in love with him," she states simply, staring off into space.

How could she know that?

"Yes," I nod with tears in my eyes. Oh my god. Is she lucid? I can't tell but I don't understand how she knows about Derek and Meredith's car accident.

"Meredith felt incredibly guilty," she states.

"Did she?" I ask, eager to know what she meant. "Did Meredith come and visit you after the accident Ellis?"

Ellis ignores me and I'm unsure whether she is off in her own world or trying to put pieces of the puzzle together. Please, please, be the latter.

"She feels guilty," she murmurs softly.

"Why?" I gasp out, feeling the desperation boil inside me. Maybe Rachel is right. Maybe I am going crazy.

Ellis turns and looks at me as if she is seeing me for the first time.

"Because Derek is dead," she states bluntly.

What?


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Thank you to all those who have commented on this story. I really hope you enjoy this update….

**Meredith's Point of View**

I need to forget. I need to forget everything and everyone. I tell myself this every morning but it never works because my mind makes a very bad habit of wandering away, into the past, where I don't want to be. All the sadness breaks me. However, it's the happy memories with everyone that break me even more. As for the guilt, well, it's the guilt that is destroying me.

I remember certain cases at Seattle Grace where I would hear stories about my patients and my first thought would be 'how could they live with themselves?' I never make the mistake of thinking that after what happened… because I finally understand. I actually get it. Most days, the guilt alone is enough to make anyone feel like they are being tortured but when the memories, both good and bad hit then there is no word to explain the ache, the emptiness that you feel in your heart.

However, days like today are the worst when I'm on my own and end up thinking about what Carolyn is doing right now. Is Cristina thriving as a Seattle Grace attending? Who am I kidding? I already know the answer to that one. Did she marry Owen? How are the Shepherd sisters? Do they all still hate me? How much does Carolyn hate me? My mind wanders and I think about everyone I left behind.

How is my mom?

Wait.

Is my…no, I can't think like that. But I can't help it. I ask myself this question every day. Why should today be any different?

Is my mom still alive?

Wince.

I can feel the tears coming again. It was ridiculous of me to think that I was all cried out for today. I often wonder what Derek would think of me if he were here to see me now. What would he think of me? Would he hate me? Even thinking his name causes me to tear up inside.

Dr Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Derek Shepherd.

Derek.

The Love of My Life.

Killed by Dr Meredith Grey.

Killed by his best friend.

Killed by the very woman who was in love with him.

I can feel the vomit rise in my throat for the second time today. I make a dash to the bathroom before Michael gets back from the kitchen and realises that something is wrong.

How could I have been so stupid?

_"You need to get out of this house," My best friend says to me as if he is prescribing medication to one of his patients._

_Lying under the covers of my bed, I feel safe and secure. Out in the big bad world, I can't be protected and more importantly, people can't be protected from me. Who would want to be around the woman who promised a mother she could save her son and then ends up killing him?_

_"Meredith," Derek insists, pulling my duvet off of me to reveal me in my 'Winnie the Pooh' Pyjama's._

_"Derek!" I scream at him, standing at the end of my bed._

_"Are those…" he starts with a knowing smile. He looks as if he's about to burst out laughing but thankfully he thinks better of it._

_"They're the only clean ones I have left. I haven't done any laundry!" I defend outraged. "Now give me back my duvet," I mutter vehemently._

_"Meredith," he sighs. "This isn't healthy. You need…"_

_"I need for you to give me my duvet back," I retort. "Now Derek!"_

_"No," he retaliates calmly, standing at the end of my bed with his arms crossed._

_"Seriously?" I ask in shock. Why does he have to be so stubborn? Why does he choose to be frustrating now of all times?_

_"I'm not letting you hide anymore Meredith," he explains, managing to remain calm. "And I am definitely not letting you push me away anymore."_

_As he says that, I can see something in his eyes that tells me not to argue. He actually looks like he might cry. Why?_

_"But…"_

_"No buts," he pushes. "Get up. Get dressed. And be down stairs in twenty minutes."_

_I watch as Derek makes his way towards my bedroom door to leave and I suddenly feel the fear kick in again._

_"Derek, I really don't want to go out," I continue to insist._

_"Don't worry," he says to me as he turns back to face me with a McDreamy smile plastered across his face. How can I say no to that face? "We're just going to the grocery store to pick up some food for your cupboards and then we'll come back, have something to eat and then tidy this place up Mer."_

_He can obviously see the fear in my eyes and is quick to reassure me._

_"I could go the store myself but I really think it would be best that we go together, get you out for a while," he murmurs._

_"Derek, you can't…I…uh…"_

_"I won't leave your side," he smiles assuringly at me. How does he do that? How does he always know what I'm thinking or what I am about to ask?_

_"Because I'm your best friend," he replies to my thoughts. I look at him to see a cheeky, mischievous smile._

_"Get out of my head," I retort with a small smile._

_"I really wish I was there Mer because then I'd be able to tell you that this wasn't your fault and maybe then you would believe me," he whispers sadly._

_I look down at my mattress, feeling the shame cover my body. The shame that I cannot escape no matter how hard I try._

_"Come on Mer," he urges. "Get dressed."_

_"Okay," I mumble, walking into my en-suite and avoiding the man who was watching me leave._

_Ten minutes later and I feel as if my entire body has just run a marathon. Hibernating for a month doesn't help your energy levels. I feel as if I need some strong coffee with a side of an energy drink to even wake me up._

_"Meredith!" Derek calls up the stairs._

_"Coming!" I shout down to him._

_It had taken me longer than expected to get showered and ready considering I have no energy as well as the small fact I don't want to go out._

_"Are you okay?" he asks me as I appear at the top of stairs. I look down at him and take in his appearance. He looks like I feel. He hasn't shaved. He's lost weight and he looks like he hasn't slept._

_"What happened to you?" I blurt out, unable to stop myself._

_"How do you mean?" he asks me, looking confused._

_"You look like shit," I state bluntly._

_"Charming," he scoffs, before I see a glimpse of a smile._

_"Derek…"_

_"And it's a little ironic coming out of your mouth," he retorts. "Did you look at yourself in the mirror when you got dressed?"_

_"Derek, I just mean that I look like shit because I can't get over what happened but I don't understand why you look…" I trail off unsure of how to put it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him._

_"Like shit," he finishes for me. "Maybe it's because I've been so worried about my best friend because she's depriving me of the one thing a best friend is supposed to do."_

_"What do you mean?" I ask as I slowly make my way down the stairs._

_"Being there Meredith," he responds gently. I know he doesn't say it to hurt me but it hurts like hell. "I even got mom and Kathleen to fly over here to help you when I felt I was failing and because of that you send them away and shut me out."_

_"I don't want pity Derek," I start to cry._

_Damn it!_

_"Love isn't pity Meredith," he reasons. "If you had your eyes open then you would have seen that not one of us was pitying you."_

_Please stop. Please stop._

_Once the first tear falls, that's me. The damn is broken and I can't stop myself from crying and shaking._

_Derek pulls me into his arms and for the first time in a month, instead of pushing him away, I succumb to his comfort and hold on for dear life._

_I should be content and happy that he wants me as a best friend. I could live with wanting more and never getting it as long as he remained in my life._

_"It's not your fault Meredith," Derek whispered. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise."_

_"You don't know that," I sob into his shirt._

_"I do Meredith," he assures me, running his hands through my hair. He always knows how to calm me down._

_"No, you don't," I argue back._

_"I do," he pushes. The last thing I wanted to do was argue but he keeps pushing it._

_"You don't Derek," I cry._

_"Actually Meredith, I do," He states firmly. "And do you want to know why?"_

_I nod my head against his chest, before he pulls my head away from him gently so I can look up into his deep blue eyes._

_"Because I am your best friend and I love you. I am going to make sure everything is okay. I'm not going to allow you to slip away like you have been doing," he whispers and I can feel myself begin to smile through my tears._

_"I'm afraid you are stuck with me Meredith Grey," he smiles at me._

_"Aw crap!" I smile jokingly._

_"Hey!" he mocks, feigning shock. "Wait a second. Did my ears deceive me or did you just crack a joke?" he asks me, looking as if he was proud, causing me to instantly smile back._

_"You won't leave my side at the grocery store?" I ask him hesitantly._

_Derek's smile quickly fades to worry but he wipes the look from his eyes away knowing it will scare me. Unfortunately, he didn't wipe the look away fast enough._

_"I'll be by your side every step of the way," He says, giving me a knowing look and in that moment I knew he meant more than just the grocery store._

_I simply nod unable to find the words to say thank you._

_"Will you do me one favour when we get back here?" he asks slightly hesitantly._

_"If I can," I whisper, suddenly feeling incredibly nervous as we make our way out the front door._

_"Call mom and let her know that you're okay," he suggests lightly but I can tell there is a lot of hope pinning on me saying yes._

_"Okay," I answer, wondering if he senses my uncertainty._

_"Here you go," he smiles, handing me the keys to his car._

_"No," I assert, handing them back to him but he just pushes them back into my hands._

_"You love to drive Meredith," my best friend states calmly. "You always told me that you loved the freedom that driving offers you. Especially when you've had a hard day so you are driving us to the grocery store."_

_"But…"_

_"No buts Meredith," he pushes. "You need to do this and I'll be right here."_

_"Why?" I persist. "Why do I have to?"_

_"You've been lying in your bed for over a month now Meredith, hiding away from everyone. This is about doing normal things and trying to get back to a little normality," he explains._

_Derek's looking at me as if I shouldn't argue with him but I would if I had the slightest bit of energy._

_"Fine," I sigh, walking into my driveway._

_Oh my god!_

_"What the hell is that?" I ask in shock. There is a god damn Porsche parked in my driveway. A very unDereky car._

_"My new car," he sighs, not sounding the least bit enthusiastic._

_"Rachel?" I ask knowingly._

_"Rachel," he confirms with a small nod, turning to smile at me._

_Oh dear._

_We get into the car and I sit staring at the steering wheel trying to control my breathing before I start the car._

_Derek doesn't say anything and that is why I love him. He knows me well enough to know that I will do this when I am ready. He knows when to push and he knows when to wait and that is the very reason I fell in love with him all those years ago._

_"Ready," I finally nod._

_"Ready," he smiles at me._

_I start the car and we slowly make our way to the grocery store but as we go along the roads we know so well, it is not me who appears hesitant. It's Derek. For the life of me I cannot figure out why. We finally pull up to a red light and I am able to turn and ask him what's bugging him._

_"What the hell is wrong?" I ask, sounding slightly exasperated but I don't mean to._

_"I'm leaving Rachel," he blurts out in a mumble._

_"What?" I ask in shock, thinking I've misheard him._

_"I'm leaving her," he repeats calmly, as if he's just told me what he wants for dinner._

_"Why?" I ask gently._

_I already know the answer…well, I think I do… but I think it's important for him to talk about it._

_"Because I'm in love with someone else," he murmurs with a soft smile._

_Wince!_

_Okay, maybe I didn't know the answer. It certainly wasn't what I expected him to say. He's in love with someone else?_

_Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!_

_"Meredith," he whispers, urging me to look at him instead of straight ahead._

_"Who?" I ask in a whisper as the light turns green and I move the car._

_"Meredith, I'm in love with..."_

_But before I can hear Derek's answer, everything goes black._

I've finally stopped throwing up but I just need my mind to stop working. I need the memories to stop coming at me at full speed.

"Meredith!" Michael calls. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," I sigh.

"You're coffee's out!" he shouts through the door.

"Thank you," I murmur. "I'll be out in a second," I assure him.

Michael's a good man but I don't share anything with him in the way he shares with me. He tells me everything and I tell him nothing. Truth be told, that is exactly the way I like it.

* * *

**Carolyn's Point of View**

Why does Meredith think Derek is dead?

Who could have told Meredith that Derek is dead?

Who?

Walking out of the home, I can feel my hands begin to shake at all the possibilities running around in my mind. I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. Ironically though, it is the same name that keeps coming back to me.

Rachel.

Ellis was definitely lucid when I spoke to her. She trailed off in thought at times but she was definitely lucid. There is no way she could have just imagined that. How else could she have known about the car crash? Although when I asked her about the drunk driver that ran a red light and hit them, she said no, that didn't happen because it was Meredith who killed Derek, not a drunk driver.

The fact that Ellis was so clear shows she must have been lucid when I spoke to her. She wouldn't have known a drunk driver was the cause of the accident if she was told Meredith had killed Derek in that accident. Would she? No! She was sure which makes me sure, not only that she was telling the truth, but that Rachel is involved in this.

What the hell did she think she was doing? How did she think she would get away with it? How has she gotten away with this for so long? How could I have not seen this coming? What kind of person could do this? How could she do this to Meredith? How did she convince Meredith?

Oh no…Meredith.

She thinks…she thinks that she killed her best friend. She thinks that she killed the love of her life. Oh my poor, sweet girl. How could she have left without talking to me about it? What the hell did Rachel tell her?

Okay, I really need to take a deep breath and calm down. I need to find out how the hell she did this. I need to find the evidence that proves she did it before I can say anything to anyone else, especially Derek. He would never believe it unless I had the evidence.

How can I tell him this? This will break his heart.

I need to clear my head and talk about this with someone but that someone cannot be family. I know exactly who to talk to but I'll need to call the girls and cancel which I know will not go down well.

Oh, Meredith, where the hell are you?

* * *

I feel such relief when I pull into the street that has become home to me over the past year. I can't explain the comfort I've had in having Derek close as well as Jack from next door. The thought of Jack brings a small smile to my face, normally. However, tonight it doesn't because I am more shaken up than ever. He is the one person I can turn to in this crisis because not only can I trust him with the information, I can also trust that he will believe me.

Jack has been such a kind, patient man – especially with me. Him and I have been friends since Derek moved to Seattle five years ago. We spoke when I was in town and we would often email each other but for the past year, Jack has become much more than a friend, he has become my rock. We've been seeing each other in secret for the past nine months because truth be told, I know exactly how my children will take it- not very well! If Meredith were here, I would be able to rely on her to be on my side, to help fight my corner and understand where I am coming from and what I now need in life. I lost my husband over twenty years ago and never in that time did I think I would move on until five years ago. However, when the thought entered my mind, I laughed it off because his life is here with his children and mine is, or was, in New York. But then that all changed a year ago.

I really need to talk to Jack because not only is he a good listener, a good friend and a good partner, but he is also a retired detective. I need his advice, his expertise. I need him to listen. But most importantly I just need him.

I look into Derek's home and the lights are all off which means no one is home – thankfully. I breathe a sigh of relief as I walk up next door's driveway when Jack opens his front door with a huge smile on his face but his smile turns to a look of concern when he sees my quivering body.

"Carolyn," he murmurs softly, ushering me into his warm, welcoming house. I would never admit it to anyone but I feel more at home here than I do next door.

"What on earth is the matter?" he asks me gently as he puts his arms around me. The moment he offers me this comfort though, I sink into his arms open arms, sobbing into his shoulder. "Oh Carolyn, I can guess who this is about."

I have had such a long day and to get to this point, being in his arms, I finally feel safe. I can feel Jack holding me tighter to him as he guides me back into the living room and onto the couch. Jack allowed me to sit there crying. He didn't push me to talk. He just held me and allowed me to take the time I needed to get ready to tell him what was wrong.

"I found out something today," I confess, finally feeling as if I am all cried out for the night. I look at Jack and he just nods at me in encouragement.

"You're going to think I'm crazy," I laugh out of nervousness.

"Oh, I highly doubt that," he chuckled. "I already know you're crazy."

I laugh with him and it makes me feel so good…so free.

"What did you find out?" he asks me softly, pulling me close to him so I have the comfort of his arms around me as I tell him.

"Well…I…uh…"

"You can tell me," he whispers in my ear.

"I think Rachel told Meredith that Derek is dead," I blurt out, wincing as I finally say it out loud.

"What?" he asks me in shock. I pull away from him to see the shock written all over his face.

"I told you it would sound crazy," I admit sheepishly.

"It's n…Okay, maybe it does. Just go back to the beginning and tell me how you came to that conclusion," he instructs me.

"Oh Jack," I cry out. "I have had such a day."

"What happened?" He asks, rubbing my back.

"Well, first off, I had the daughter in law from hell tell me that she and Derek would have me admitted to the nuthouse if I didn't accept Meredith was gone," I started to explain.

"They would what?" he asks, raising his voice.

"Oh, it's ok Jack," I assure him. I've never seen him look angry. It's quite strange but oddly nice to see him protective. "She was lying and Derek says he will deal with her when he gets home tonight. Derek never said that so I have to believe she said it out of anger."

"Were the girls there at the time?" Jack asks me, clearly trying to keep his anger towards Rachel hidden but I can see he is pissed off.

"Yes," I nod solemnly, choking back the lump in my throat. "They were all outraged."

"What were you all talking about before Rachel said that?" He asks curiously. I can see he is fighting Detective mode.

"Uh…babies," I murmur.

"Babies?" he asks, sounding surprised.

"It's a long story," I tell him because I need to get onto the topic of Ellis. "Anyway, after what happened at the house, I phoned Derek in a state…"

"Understandably," he assures me which makes me love him even more.

"Derek was outraged and he told me he would handle it later. He was on his way to see Ellis but I told him to go out with Mark and Owen for drinks and I would go see Ellis," I explain. "Ellis was lucid, Jack," I murmur softly, as he gives me a look, that I can't quite work out what he is thinking.

"Okay," he nods, urging me to continue.

"She asked who I was and I told her that I was Carolyn, Derek's mom and then she kept repeating Derek's name as if she was trying to place him in her memory," I explain.

"She has Alzheimer's Carolyn," he states as if I don't already know that.

"I know that!" I snap. "But people with Alzheimer's don't make stuff up, do they?" I ask quietly.

"No, they don't," he shakes his head, suddenly looking as if he's guessing what I am about to say.

"She then told me that Derek was in a car crash," I state.

"How could she have known that?" Jack asks, looking bewildered.

"She couldn't have unless someone told her," I explain.

"The detective found that Meredith went to visit her mother the day after the accident; only hours after she discharged herself against medical advice," Jack states, clearly trying to sort out the thoughts in his head. "So maybe Meredith told her?" he asks hesitantly.

"Of course she did," I exclaim. "Derek and I don't mention anything about last year to her and anytime she asks about Meredith, we tell her she's at work. But when she asked me that today, and I told her the usual answer, she said I was lying."

"What else did she say?" Jack asks, desperate for more clues. He is so predictable and that puts me at ease.

"She said that Meredith was in love with him and Meredith felt incredibly guilty," I continue. "She then said that Derek died in that accident and then I said that he didn't and if she remembered that it was the drunk driver who caused the accident. She said no because Derek died in that car accident and it was Meredith that killed him. After I had calmed myself from hearing that, I asked her who told her that and she said that Meredith had come to see her in a state, told her what had happened and that she was very sorry…very…so…"

"Carolyn?" Jack questions me, concerned as I try and fight back tears.

"Meredith told her she was very sorry to be leaving her behind! Oh god Jack! Where the hell is she?" I cry as he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight.

He whispers how it will all be okay in my ear but I am really not so sure anymore.

Finally, I pull away from him and as much as I want to stay in his arms all night, I can't because I need to get on with this.

"You have to believe me Jack," I plead. "Rachel is behind this."

"I know," he nods. "But you can't…"

"But I can't tell my family, especially Derek! Not until I find the evidence to prove she did it," I nod.

"You could look at the CCTV footage for that day at the hospital once Meredith had woken up," he suggests.

"But the detectives already looked at them," I whisper, unsure how CCTV could help.

"Only the one at the main entrance showing Meredith leaving the hospital in a distressed state," he explains. "If we can find the one that shows Meredith and Rachel in an argument alone…well, it would be a start."

"We?" I question, smiling softly.

"There is no way in hell I'm letting you do this alone," he says, slightly sternly showing me there is no room for argument.

Normally, I would argue and say that I could do it but that would be a lie in this instance.

"Thank you," I smile, grateful, to now that he is here for me.

"No problem," he smiles back.

"Are you sure of this Carolyn?" He asks me and I can tell that it's not so much he doubts me but rather he just wants to be sure that I am sure.

"I'm sure," I nod, knowing in my heart that I am right about this.

"Then we will fight like hell to prove it and then find Meredith," he asserts firmly. "And we will find her Carolyn."

"Good, because the moment she's back…"

"We can finally tell everyone about us," he smiles.

"She'll be okay, won't she?" I ask hesitantly. I hate the idea of Meredith going through this.

"It would explain why she left so abruptly," he tells me. "She was grieving but I am sure Meredith will be more than okay. She's one tough cookie."

"I know," I smile. She really is a tough cookie and one way or another she will be home soon.

Meredith will be coming home soon.


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for all your support on this fic. You are all amazing!**

**Derek's Point of View**

I'm being shaken awake. I know I'm being shaken awake but the last thing I want to do is actually open my eyes and turn and see who is shaking me. I am way too tired, way too uncomfortable and…way too hung over. I, Derek Christopher Shepherd, am hung over. I just wish Meredith was here to see this. I would even tolerate her laughing and giving me stick for this. Should I tell her this when she gets home? Will it make her smile? I love her smile. The moment she does, it lights up the room she is in, making everything and everybody else in it look immaterial.

Meredith Grey.

Meredith

My best friend.

Meredith.

The love of my life.

What would she say to Rachel if she knew what she said to mom earlier? Would she yell? Ha, like I really have to ask. Of course she would yell. She would probably tell Rachel how disgusted she is with her. And who could blame her if she did?

I mean I'm disgusted with what Rachel has done. How could she do that to an old woman who has been through hell for the past year? In fact, she's still going through hell which just makes what Rachel did worse.

Meredith, where are you? I need to talk to you about this. I want to tell you that I'm suffering from a hangover. I want to tell you that Rachel is a bitch and I need her to go away but I can't ask her to go because she was there when you weren't. I need to tell you that even though I kind of hate you right now for running, I love you more than anything else in this world. I need to tell you that I want you to be mine. I need to tell you…I need to tell you that you are the love of my life.

Did you know that Meredith? You are the love of my life. I was going to tell you that Meredith. Did you know that? Just before the car slammed into us, I was going to tell you that you are the love of my life. It had taken me years to pluck up the courage. I knew. I knew that you were it for me the moment I met you but the timing was not right and then I convinced myself that you didn't and wouldn't feel the same way. But, I need you to know Meredith, whether you can ever imagine feeling the same way or not, I love you.

I'm being shaken again.

"Derek," someone mumbles in my ear, shaking me again.

Meredith?

"Derek," someone murmurs, shaking me more urgently.

"Meredith," I slip out in a mumble. My throat is so hoarse. I need water. I need one hell of a lot of water.

"Derek!" Rachel shouts, kneeing me in the back.

"Ah!" I screech, jumping off the couch so quickly I can feel myself shake. I come face to face with an angry looking Rachel as I feel my legs buckle with the pain in my back. "What the hell did you do that for?"

I don't really need to ask, I know why she did that. I whispered Meredith's name while I was half asleep.

Rachel looks at me as if she's about to start an argument but her face suddenly calms. The anger in her eyes disappears and she looks at me calmly, softly and looked like the girl I once thought I could spend my life with.

"Did you have a nice night at the bar?" she asks softly. She almost looks sheepish, as if she actually feels guilty for what she has done.

"Yes," I mutter. She might think I'm going to fall for her little 'I'm sorry' act but there is no way in hell that I am.

"Why are you sleeping on the couch?" she asks in a whisper, making sure to look at her feet and not in my eye line.

"I think you know why," I murmur softly, trying my best to keep my anger at bay. My mom needs her sleep; the last thing she needs is to hear us argue.

"She told you," she murmurs, more of as a statement than a question.

"Of course she told me," I seethe quietly. "How could you?"

"Derek, you have to understand," she begins to plead; in that pathetic whiney voice she puts on when she knows I'm angry with her. The voice that Meredith always mocked with Cristina and never thought I knew about. "I've been stressed out about the wedding. It's only six weeks away and everybody has been focused on finding Meredith. I…"

"Of course everybody has been focused on finding Meredith," I whisper angrily. "She is still missing."

"She's not missing Derek," she murmurs. "She ran away from you. She ran away from everybody and all of you are left to suffer the consequences and pick up the pieces."

"We will find her Rachel," I murmur seriously, making sure my tone said that she shouldn't argue with me.

"Your sisters don't think so," she retaliates, ignoring my warning. "And I thought you told the investigator to call off the search."

Rachel finally looks me in the eye and she honestly looks hurt and confused. But I can honestly say that I am passed the stage of caring.

"Well, I lied," I mutter. "And as for my sisters, they are just worried about mum and I. They don't want us to get our hopes up in case we don't find her."

"And that is the exact same reason I asked you to call off the search at lunch time today Derek," she smiles, as if she thinks she is going to get away with what she has done. "I am so worried about you and your mom."

"That is a load of bull!" I shout before taking a deep breath to calm down. The last thing I want to do is wake mom. She has had a hard enough day. "First off, if you were really worried about my mom then you would have never have said what you did to her. You threatened to put her in the 'nuthouse' Rachel. You care? Why the hell would you say that to a woman who has been through hell for the past year?" I ask, slightly pleading. I need to know how she could do this.

"I…I…I just think you and your mom are getting your hopes up for something that will never happen," she justifies. "Just like your sisters."

"Except there are two differences between you and my sisters," I murmur.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asks, standing up from the sofa. A sign that she was losing control and allowing her anger to get the better of her.

"My sisters act the way they do out of worry and love…"

"Of course they do," she asserts softly. Who the hell is she kidding?

"For me," I murmur and she nods in response. "For my mom," I nod. "And for Meredith," I smile and she looks stunned. "You see, even though I know and understand where they are coming from, I also know that they love Meredith. You don't. Secondly, they act out of love where as you act out of pure selfish reasons. Everything you want revolves around the perfect day whereas I don't care about the wedding day. I care about the god damn marriage!"

"What the hell are you saying?" she asks, looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I'm saying…I'm saying we need to talk," I murmur honestly, not sure of what else to say.

"We are talking," she scoffs, as if I'm stupid. Well, to be fair, I did say a stupid thing…and I have been stupid because I've wasted my time with a woman I don't love and who doesn't love me; not really.

"Rachel…"

"Derek," she whispers in a whiney voice. "I get that you are mad and you have every reason to be but I promise you, what I said to your mom, I am truly sorry about. I honestly let it slip…"

"Let it slip?" I ask, feeling shock course through me. "So you've thought about it."

"Well, yeah," she murmurs, shifting on her feet and looking to the ground. "Not sending her to psych ward or anything…just…just…"

"Just what Rachel?" I ask, pushing her for an answer.

"I think she might need to talk to someone," she says, straight faced.

She has to be kidding me? Meredith would kick her ass around about now.

"A psychiatrist?" I probe in shock.

"Or a therapist?" she shrugs. "Derek," Rachel sighs. "Even you have to admit that your mom has been through one hell of a lot this year. Why else do you think that she stays here instead of moving back to New York?"

"Because she wants to be here to help find Meredith!" I shout. I feel as if I'm about to really lose control with her.

"No, because she wants to cling onto you," she insists calmly. Where the hell does she get an idea like that? She's looking down at me sitting on the couch, acting, sounding and looking so sure of herself.

"What the hell are you on about Rachel?" I ask, sighing as I am becoming exasperated with this argument. Why did I have to drink so much Scotch last night?

"It's not Meredith she is searching for. It's you," she sighs with a weirdly soft smile.

"What?" I ask, confused. I am way too hung over to understand what she is on about. "Rachel, you are making no sense."

"Think about it," she starts. "Your mom didn't just lose Meredith, she lost you too because you changed once you found out Meredith left…"

"Went missing," I correct. I hate when people say she left. Even though, I know she did, I still hate it.

"Whatever," she sighs exasperated. "She lost you too. I think she does this to humour you just so she can be close to you. She's trying to find you, not Meredith."

I would respond but I can't find the words. The way she is staring at me, I can tell she's serious.

"Oh Derek," she sighs, sitting close to me and putting her arm around my shoulder as if I actually want her comfort. "This isn't your fault. It's hers. It's Meredith's for putting you and your mom through such an awful experience."

That's it. That is the last straw.

"That's enough!" I shout, standing up just to move away from her. I can't even stand to be touched by her. Shit, my back! How did she manage to hurt it so badly? "I'm sick and tired of this!"

"Oh Derek," she sighs, standing up to face me. "I love you so much and I'm just…"

"Oh, come on Rachel," I sigh. "Who the hell are you trying to kid here? You're marrying me for the money and for the convenience. Nothing else!"

"That is so not true!" she screams at me.

"It is," I answer honestly. "You are marrying me because it looks good. I'm sorry Rachel but we are over."

Phew…it feels good to say that out loud!

"No…"

"Yes," I insist calmly, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. "We are over Rachel and let's face it; it has been a long time coming."

"She won't come back, you know," she spits at me.

"Maybe not," I murmur sadly, looking at how riled up she was getting. She wanted me to say that 'I know she isn't coming back' and then fall back into her arms so we can carry on the pretence but I just can't anymore. "But that doesn't change the fact that I don't love you anymore and if you were honest with yourself for just a second, you would know you don't love me either."

"You're in love with her," she states simply, as tears role down her face.

"Yes," I whisper softly. I can't lie anymore.

"You don't love me," she whispers softly.

"No," I answer honestly.

"The wedding is off," she trails off, as she starts to walk towards the hallway.

"Yes," I assert. "I'll make the calls. You won't have to do anything."

"She won't come back, you know," she states, turning to face me, her eyes rather glazy.

"Probably not," I murmur, feeling my stomach flip with nerves of that thought. "But it still doesn't change anything."

"I was there for you when she wasn't," she murmurs, finally looking me in the eyes again. "I helped you get out of the wheelchair and back to work. I held your hand through all the bad times."

"I know," I nod sadly. "I will always be grateful to you for that," I say. What else could I say? You were a nightmare Rachel and you still are? I couldn't say that to her no matter how much I wanted to.

"It's over," she smiles sadly at me.

"It is," I nod sadly. She was taking this better than expected.

"I'll have my bags packed and out by tomorrow morning," she asserts.

I'm about to speak but once again, I can't find the words. It's not until I find my voice to say 'thank you', I realise she has gone back upstairs.

Finally.

Meredith, if you were here, I think you would be so proud of me.


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Richard's Point of View**

I still can't get over that Adele made me were that ghastly suit yesterday. Purple? Who would wear a purple suit? I can't get the expressions' of the board members faces' out of my head. They had hidden smirks that weren't so well hidden. And who could blame them? If I was in their shoes, I would have been unable to stop myself from laughing my ass off. I looked unbelievably ridiculous and to top it all, I had to walk through the hospital to get to the board meeting so everyone had seen me in that god forsaken outfit.

But for all the anger I feel towards Adele, I feel more anger towards Derek. Does that even make sense? I watched Derek yesterday and he isn't even half the man he was. He walks around this place a shell of the man he used to be. He would have been the one I would have gladly taken stick from because it would have meant that the old Derek was still in there, somewhere. I so desperately wanted him to laugh at me. The last thing I expected him to talk about was the consideration of calling off the search. How could he possibly consider that? Whether Rachel asked him to or not, how could he?

I for one know how much he loves Meredith. And I don't think Rachel is treated fairly, which is hard to admit considering I don't like the woman very much. She thinks way too much of herself. However, I can't imagine that it has been easy for her to be compared to Meredith. Most girls dream of their wedding day from a young age and Rachel is definitely one of those girls. She must feel her wedding day isn't going to be an incredibly happy day when half the church's mind will be on Meredith. How hard that must be for her to imagine. Although, that being said, I hate the way she has full dominance and control in their relationship.

Rachel treated Meredith lower than the dirt on the bottom of her shoe and I always hated her for that. Meredith, as per usual, would stand up and defend herself. But Rachel is a manipulative bugger and slowly managed to drive a wedge between Meredith and Derek's friendship without Derek even realising. As Meredith always said to me, 'He's a brainless, brain man'. I can feel myself smile at the memory because that was typical Meredith. It was such a 'Meredith thing' for her to say. She has left a huge whole in my heart because, to me, she is my daughter and nobody will ever tell me any different. No matter what her birth certificate says. I promised Ellis on the day she was admitted to the nursing home that I would always look out for her. That Adele and I both would. But we failed her.

As for my surgical team? As well as Derek, my team - Crisitina, Izzie, George, Alex, Bailey, Callie, Owen, Arizona, Mark and Teddy - have all taken this incredibly hard. At first, the entire team were moving around like zombies trying to make sense of something they clearly couldn't. Slowly, they have managed to pick themselves up and move on – slightly. However, they and I both know that nothing is going to be the same again because Meredith has left a huge whole in every single one of our hearts.

Truth be told, I don't think any one of them, especially Derek, will ever fully recover from this.

Knock, knock.

"Come in," I call, expecting an intern to walk through my door with some tale about a 'cool' surgery but instead, I feel myself looking surprised to see Mrs Shepherd walk through my door.

"Mrs Shepherd," I smile at her, grateful that she is here. I need someone to distract me from my thoughts.

"Chief, its Carolyn." She smiles politely at me, although she looks slightly skittish. I've never seen her look like this before. "I'm not disturbing you, am I?" she asks me, hesitantly.

This is obviously an important matter. Hopefully she's here to tell me that she has convinced Derek to continue with the search.

"Of course not," I insist, wanting to put her mind at ease. "Come in and sit down."

"If you're sure," she nods with a small smile.

"I'm sure," I assure her, smiling as she sits directly across from me. "How are you Carolyn?"

"I'm fine chief, thank you," she smiles gracefully.

"It's Richard," I admonish lightly. "Your son barely refers to me as Chief unless he desperately wants something," I joke and she laughs lightly. However, she still looks incredibly tense.

"Well, actually…I…uh…"

"You want something," I smile, knowingly. What could she possibly want? Was it something to do with Derek? Meredith? Both?

"I do," she asserts taking on some confidence that she didn't have when she entered my office. She looks at me and I know I don't have to ask what this is about. It is written all over her face.

"You'll think I'm crazy…."

"I don't believe that for a second," I interrupt. Carolyn is the most level headed woman I know and that is including Dr Bailey.

"…but I need you to hear me out. What I am about to ask of you is huge and I know your instant response will be to say 'no' but I really hope you don't because this could be the difference between us finding Meredith and losing her for good," she rambles, just like Meredith. I would smile if the conversation wasn't so serious and Carolyn didn't have tears in her eyes.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that? How do I respond? If it involves finding Meredith then I have to help. No matter what the cost.

"What can I do for you Carolyn?" I ask gently. I am dying to know what she wants to ask.

"This is going to…."

"Carolyn," I interrupt, calmly but slightly authoritive. "Just tell me."

"The night of the accident," she starts, looking at me through a serious, deadly expression that it sends chills up my spine. "Well I need you…I need you to release all CCTV footage from the moment Derek and Meredith arrived to when she left the parking lot to me."

What?

Is she serious?

I'm guessing buy the expression on her face that she isn't kidding.

"And Jack too," she adds in a whisper.

"Derek's next door neighbour?" I ask slowly, trying to wrap my mind around this.

"Yes, he is a retired detective," Carolyn smiles softly. "And he was a very good one from what I hear."

"Look, Carolyn," I start. What do I say? What could she possibly want with all that CCTV footage? "The police…"

"Richard," she interrupts. "Before you say no and send me out of your office, could you please hear me out first because, believe me, this is something you are going to want to hear."

Meredith always warned me that Carolyn Shepherd is a feisty woman and she highly recommended that I never get on the wrong side of her.

"Okay," I nod. "Let's hear it."

"Okay," she asserts, getting up to stand.

What the hell is going on Carolyn?

"I…uh…I went to visit Ellis yesterday…."

Oh no, this isn't going to be good.

"…she was lucid…"

"She was?" I ask, rather shocked. Ellis being lucid for even a few minutes is very rare nowadays.

"She was," Carolyn asserts, as she begins to pace. "But that isn't the crazy bit. She asked who I was and when I told her that I am Derek's mom, she instantly asked if Derek was the one in the car accident with Meredith? She then…"

What?

"She what?" I utter out, interrupting Carolyn. That's not possible. It can't be.

"It gets better," she mutters. "She knew exactly who Derek was Richard which…."

"She shouldn't," I stutter out, trying to wrap my mind around this. It wasn't completely impossible but incredibly rare for her to remember someone she met after the Alzheimer's diagnosis.

"Exactly!" She shouts as if she's relieved that I agree with her. "Anyway," she continues more calmly. "She then says how Meredith is in love with Derek and how guilty Meredith feels."

"She said that?" I ask. I'm really struggling to wrap my mind around this. What did this mean?

Carolyn nodded.

"She knows Meredith is in love with Derek?" I ask. Meredith would never tell her mother that. No way.

"I know what you're thinking Richard but she didn't tell Ellis willingly. Apparently Ellis pushed her about her love life," Carolyn murmured softly.

"When was this?" I push; trying to process everything I am being told.

"It would have been the last visit she ever made to her mother. The morning after the accident," she shrugged, unsure.

"Well, that would make sense," I say. "She had discharged herself a few hours after surgery. She would have been in agony with the broken ribs and fractured cheek bone. Never mind the god damn head injury. Ellis would have easily pushed her and Meredith would tell her everything…"

"Richard," Carolyn sighs.

"She shouldn't have left the hospital," I murmur, thinking back to that horrible day. "She was injured and upset. She was in no fit state but all of this makes no sense. Why would she pick up and leave…"

"Because someone told her that her best friend was dead and that it was her fault," Carolyn murmurs softly.

What?

"I know," she murmurs with tears in her eyes. "It's crazy but Ellis was insistent. Meredith had told her that she killed Derek in the crash. When I said it was a drunk driver, Ellis insisted that it wasn't; it was Meredith who killed him."

Ellis couldn't have been lucid. There is no way Meredith…."

"And before you say that Ellis wasn't lucid then explain to me how she knew who Derek was and how Meredith is in love him?" Carolyn argues, even though I am not arguing back.

"Carolyn…"

"Richard, I think Rachel told Meredith that she was responsible for killing Derek," Carolyn asserts with fear. She gives me a pleading look and as I try to process what she has told me, something strikes me – I'm not in total shock.

I don't like Rachel but surely she's not that venomous. But something inside is telling me it is possible.

"Do you believe Meredith would fall for that Carolyn?" I ask softly.

"Just think of the state she was in a month before the accident Richard," Carolyn answers, sounding overly sure of herself.

Oh my god.

"Okay," I agree hesitantly. "But, I'm sorry Carolyn, I can only give you forty eight hours with those tapes because if the board finds out then…"

"That's all I need," she smiles, looking incredibly relieved.

"Carolyn?" I start. "I don't know how you intend to prove this but if you do manage, what will you do?"

"Well," she whispers, sitting back down. "I haven't told Derek because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. He's already so stressed and he already, technically broke up with Rachel last night…"

"He did?" I ask, unable to keep the smile from my face.

"I know," she smiles. "I just think if we find what we need then we could be making a huge step in the right direction. I finally have hope Richard and the fact you are helping means the…."

"She's my daughter too Carolyn," I smile sadly. Carolyn and I have always seen Meredith as our surrogate daughter.

"I know," she nods assuringly. "We will find her Richard."

"I hope so Carolyn," I murmur. "I really hope so."

"Well, when can I get…" she starts hesitantly.

"Oh," I whisper, realising what she meant. "We can go now but Carolyn…"

"Not a word to anyone," she assures me as we make our way to my office door.

"Oh, Carolyn?" I ask with a small smirk.

"Yeah," she whispers, turning back to look at me curiously.

"Does Derek know about your secret relationship with the next door neighbour?"

"Who said that I…how did you…."

I laugh as I see how flustered she looks. Busted!

"Richard Webber," she asserts with such an authoritive tone, I could have sworn she was Adele. She's even pointing a finger at me. "You tell anyone and I swear to god, I will kill you."

"Not a word," I gulp with fear.

"Nobody knows," she murmurs softly, as we walk to the door. "I'm waiting until all my children are home for me to tell them."

"Then we had better find those tapes so we can find our stray," I smile sadly as Carolyn breathes a sigh of relief.

"Thank you Richard," she breathes slowly as we make our way out into the corridor.

"It's no problem Carolyn," I nod. "After all, we are her parents."

Carolyn and I make our way down the corridor towards the elevator. We don't even have to worry about being caught, considering it's five o'clock in the morning. I'm assuming that's why she came here so early. There is absolutely no chance of getting caught. We need this evidence to help find Meredith. We need to find her.

Where are you Meredith?

We need you here.

Derek needs you here.

He's not dead Meredith.

You did not kill him.

* * *

**Meredith's Point of View**

I allow Michael to hold me closer. I need his body heat to help me feel better. I'm sure I have the flu because one minute I'm so hot and the next I am so cold and more than anything, it is driving me insane. I can barely think straight and when I can, I end up going back to a place I don't want. My mind takes me back to the darkest hour of my life. It takes me back to one of the two days that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Michael has been so good to me. He holds my hand and helps keep me warm when I need him too. He even allows me to cry on his shoulder – which is a rare occasion but I still think it's sweet. He has been amazingly patient with me. He has been my saviour - literally.

And the best thing about Michael – he doesn't ask any questions about my past. Michael doesn't push me to reveal anything that I don't want to. And I don't. Michael does not know that I am from Seattle. He does not know that my mother is one of the most famous surgeons on the planet. And the best part is – he does not know about Rachel, the Shepherd's and he most definitely does not know about Derek. Just the way I need it.

Rachel is a horrible woman and one I never liked but I always tried to make an effort with her for Derek's sake. However, the woman made it damn impossible. She tried to make my life hell on earth by controlling Derek so much that in the end, he needed permission to come and see me. I think the only time he put his foot down when it came to coming to see me after my breakdown. He finally put his foot down with her after I quit being a surgeon at Seattle Grace.

I never understood his attraction to her. From the sounds of things, she is just like his ex-wife – only worse. Her attraction to Derek was obvious and I think he started dating her because he felt it was the right time after the divorce but for her, it was clear from the offset that she was going to stick around for the long haul because the moment she set her eyes on Derek, her claws were out. I'm more than positive Derek was not as sure of her as she was of him. I think somewhere along the way, he got caught up in the lie that he loved her and when it came to her, she loved the idea of him. He was good arm candy to her. He made her look good.

Derek and I did so much together before she came along. We always had a movie night once a week. One of us would rent the movie and the other would by the goodies. And we would always go to the movies at least twice a month and made sure to go to our favourite Italian afterwards. Derek and I loved the outdoors. We would go hiking, fishing, rock-climbing and even kayaking. Of course, that all stopped once Rachel's claws were well and truly scratched in.

Poor Derek never seen them coming.

I'll never forget the first day I met Derek Shepherd. I was half way through my internship when he transferred here from New York. He was a cocky ass resident, not far off, becoming an attending. There was one thing Derek always carried around with him – his cocky, male inflated ego. I was surprised he could fit his big head through the doorways of Seattle Grace.

I can't even allow myself to smile at the memory because he was the man who stole my heart without even realising it and I, in turn, took his life.

_My head is still pounding and all I can think about is how I want to kill Izzie and Crisitina. Our first weekend off since we started our internship – in fact it will probably be the only weekend we ever got off as interns – and they insisted on spending it in Vegas. Now as much as I love the fact that we each one a couple of thousands of dollars, I can't quite get my head around it thanks to the almighty hangover I've been lumbered with. Tequila. My best friend but right now my worst enemy. I lost count of the amount of bottles we drank over the two nights._

_Crisitina's convinced that it proves how hard core we really are. However, Izzie and I just want to strangle her every time she says it. She drank just as much as we did and she isn't suffering in the same way we are. How is that even possible?_

_To make things a whole lot worse, our third year resident, Dr Bailey, aka 'the Nazi', is not impressed with the three of us considering we look like we have worked a forty eight hour shift under the influence of alcohol. We're on warnings today and we even mess up in the slightest then we can consider ourselves on scut work for at least a month._

_Not exactly the end to a great weekend._

_Today I have the nightmare of all patients, making my hangover feel all that worse. Aspirin and coffee are not even doing the trick. Katie Bryce is a sixteen year old Beauty Pageant contestant. She was brought in after having a grand mal seizure and has had a further two since being here. I have a funny feeling I know what she has though. I just need to find the resident on the case. Katie's labs and scans are all clean which is why the case is such a mystery. But I really think I do know why. I just need to get hold of Dr Derek Shepherd as the attending, Dr Gibbs is in surgery._

_As I turn towards Katie's room, I find a tall, handsome, dark haired figure smiling and talking to the nurse on Katie's case._

_Oh my._

_I can see why he's the talk of the __hospital. According to Izzie, he started on Friday and within an hour of his arrival; the scrub nurses had nicknamed _him _'Dr McDreamy'. She also said something about him moving here from New York because he recently separated from his wife. Who the hell wo__uld be stupid enough to allow a gorgeous man like him slip through their fingers? Just by looking at him, you can tell he has an arrogant attitude but oddly enough, it is not off putting. How can I think that though when I haven't had one conversation with__ him? There is something about him – something I can't explain, can't put my finger on but whatever it is, it intrigues me._

_WOW! The man has huge hands. He has huge, delicate hands. Derek Shepherd has_ _surgeo__ns'__ hands._

_To top it all, he is here to stand in for our chief resident who is on Maternity leave and won't be back until we are sitting our intern exam. I wonder if Crisitina and Izzie have had a good look at him yet. Because he looks like a damn' fine man and one I wouldn't mind kicking out of bed in the morning._

_"Excuse me," a voice says. I look up to see a pissed off Derek Shepherd standing in front of me._

_Oh crap! Did he catch me staring?_

_"Are you my intern?" he asks me gruffly._

_"Yes," I whisper hesitantly. Come on Meredith. Pull yourself together. Show him what you're made of._

_"And you have time to daydream when we have a patient who is having grand mal seizures and no diagnosis, Dr…?" he asks with a deadpan expression._

_"Grey," I clarify for him._

_"So you think because you're the daughter of…"_

_"And I think I might have something," I blurt out, not even allowing him to finish that sentence._

_He starts walking and I have to ignore the pounding going on in my head to follow at his elaborately fast pace._

_"Something came up in her latest scans?" he asks, looking at me intently as we walk down the hallway together._

_"No," I respond honestly. "All scans are clean and her blood work is showing that she's anaemic but that is it."_

_"So?" he murmurs, taking Katie's chart from my hand. "How is there a development?"_

_"Katie takes part in beauty pageants around the country and…."_

_"How the hell does that have anything to do with her case?" he demands, sounding angry. He probably thinks I'm wasting my time._

_Man, he's hot when he is angry._

_"Because to take part in these pageants you need a talent," I explain, through his petulant anger. "Katie's is gymnastics. About a month ago, she fell on stage and never thought anything of it. She got back up and continued with her performance. But she did fall and according to her parents, she took a light knock to the head. This could easily be an aneurysm even though there aren't any markers…"_

_"Do you know what the chances are of her having…?"_

_"One in a million," I murmur softly, refusing to back down. This girl could have an aneurysm and there is no way I'm backing down on this fight. We need answers. "Dr Shepherd, you and I both know that we are running out of time. Somebody has to be that one in a million. Who says the one in a million isn't Katie?"_

_He's looking at me thoughtfully and I stare back as if I'm about to be able to read his mind._

_"You really believe she has an aneurysm?" he asks slowly. Does he need more convincing?_

_"I do," I answer genuinely. Can he even tell I'm being genuine? "Look, I know like all residents, you hate interns and right now you are probably thinking that I want this diagnosis because I'm a cocky ass intern who wants to prove herself and with most cases I'm on, you'd be right but I can't think that way with this case because all I can focus on and see is the parents who have done nothing but bicker and pace the waiting room out of worry and desperation to know what is wrong for the daughter they love!"_

_Shepherd sighs and then starts walking down the hallway._

_What the hell is he doing?_

_"Where are you going?" I ask after him. He would look amazing in dark blue scrubs._

_Stop it Meredith._

_"To find out if Katie's one in a million!" he shouts back. Suddenly he turns and gives me a beaming smile. "Get Katie ready and I'll meet you in her room in two minutes. I'm going to see if we can jump the queue for a CT."_

_Twenty minutes later and Shepherd and I are staring at the computer screen, waiting for her scans to come up._

_"What do we have?" Gibbs asks, coming into the room._

_"We're going on a feeling Sir," Shepherd explains with a small smirk._

_Arrogant sod. He thinks I'm wrong and that just pisses me off. He's not even in town five minutes and he thinks he can act as god's gift in this place._

_"Really?" Gibbs smiles at him, not even acknowledging me. I don't know which of them pisses me off more._

_"Yes," he nods. "How did your craniotomy go?"_

_"Exceptionally well," Gibbs announces smugly. The man is a bastard and not many like him in this hospital. But for what it's worth, he is an exceptional surgeon._

_"Of course Sir," Derek smiles knowingly. Surely he can't like him, can he?_

_Finally, the scans are up and….yes! She has an aneurysm. It's small but it's there._

_"Well, I'll be damned," Gibbs murmurs. "Way to go Shep. Get her prepped and scrub in."_

_With that, he's gone, without so much as acknowledging me._

_"Great work," Shepherd murmurs beside me._

_"Thank you," I mutter, getting up and heading out of the CT room._

_"Dr Grey…." He calls after me._

_That's it!_

_"Look, Dr Shepherd," I murmur, turning back on my heels to face him. "I don't care about the surgery…Well…actually I do but I, uh…I care more about the fact the parents finally get an answer and a piece of mind on this. They have a good shot of walking out of here with their healthy, happy, all be it, spoiled daughter back. You want to take credit for this then go right ahead because as the resident on this case, I suppose you see it as your right to. What do I know, right? I'm just an intern?" I ask, as I feel my blood boil with anger. "Oh, and for the record Dr Shepherd, I don't appreciate you bringing my mother into this. Undoubtedly, she is a phenomenal surgeon but as a mother, she pretty much sucked."_

_Why the hell am I saying all of this? Shepherd looks completely stricken._

_Stop Meredith. Just stop!_

_"She was a shark when it came to the OR but she seemed to forget that a shark isn't what a daughter needs. Nor does she need to be passed from one nanny to another within such a short space of time. With all due respect Dr Shepherd, what you know about my mother, you read in a text book. You didn't actually know her and as for me, well, you know even less about me as a surgeon and as a person. As for you, I can already tell that you are a shark, just like my mother," I mutter with something close to hatred._

_I'm quick to turn back around and rush down the hallway, leaving a staring Derek Shepherd behind me. Quite frankly, he looked rather stunned by my little outburst but I'm past the stage of caring. I'm sick and tired of people thinking I act like the way him and Gibb's do because I have a famous mother. Yes, my mother was Ellis Grey but that seems to be a problem when trying to be a good surgeon, not a bonus._

_I hate being an intern._


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Authour's Note: This update is rated M because of its content and nature. Thank you to those who have commented! It really means a lot to me. **

**Derek's Point of View**

_The first thing I feel as I watch her walk away is incredible guilt. I have just been given credit for a save that an intern has made. The fact that she is an intern and she managed to make the connection demonstrates not only her dedication but her intelligence. She's a feisty thing too._

_How can I feel myself become attracted to someone so close to me leaving Addison? And to an intern, no less. It cannot happen. I am her boss and I would be crossing an incredibly big line if I were to act on my attraction._

_I didn't mean to be such an ass to her but when I see her standing there, staring, something inside of me snapped. I felt myself getting pulled in by her eyes. She has deep, sea green eyes and when I clocked eyes with hers, I felt myself transfixed which is not what you want to feel when you've uprooted your entire life, left your wife, left your family and moved several miles away to a place you don't know._

_As I tell the parents about their daughter's condition and how she will make a full recovery if we get her to surgery fast, I think about Meredith and what she said about them. She seemed to understand them just as much as she understood the patient. For a surgeon, it is a rare quality._

_Making my way towards the OR after preparing Katie, I find Gibbs standing at the OR board and I know exactly what I have to do. Even if it makes me look like an idiot._

_"Dr Gibbs?" I question, as he turns to look at me._

_"Dr Shepherd," he nods. "I have a bit of a situation that I need to resolve."_

_"Okay," I nod slowly, wondering where he was going with this._

_"Patient has come in and it looks like the only way to save him is with a standstill procedure…"_

_"A standstill?" I ask, unable to hide the shock from my voice._

_"Yes," he nods enthusiastically. "Exciting, isn't it?"_

_"It is," I agree, solemnly. "Sir, I…"_

_"I want you to scrub in when we do the procedure tomorrow…"_

_Did he really just ask me that?_

_"Sir, I'm…"_

_"And I need you to fly solo on Katie's surgery as I have to get organised for this patient tomorrow," he adds, with a smug smile. "Think you can handle that?"_

_"Yes," I nod, honestly. "But there's one thing I need to tell you."_

_"I really have to get going Dr Shepherd. Can it wait?" he asks with a sigh._

_I catch sight of Meredith Grey heading up the stairs towards the gallery, probably to watch the procedure from there. Wow, she has a cute ass._

_"I'm afraid not sir," I answer, sounding strangely authoritive. What the hell am I doing? "I'm afraid there was a mix up in the CT room."_

_"Mix up? How do you mean mix up?" he asks me, looking completely baffled. "With the results?"_

_"No sir," I answer solemnly. "I wasn't the one who suspected Katie of having an aneurysm. In fact, I was sure she didn't."_

_"I don't understand," he whispers, looking at me as if I'm the oddest man he has ever seen._

_"Dr Grey, the intern on this case, diagnosed it," I explain, regretfully. Why do I feel so guilty?_

_Stupid question! I stole her praise. I took the credit for her save. And the weird thing is; it is so unlike me. However, I doubt she would believe that._

_"You're telling me that she was the one who diagnosed the aneurysm?" he asks, trying to process what he was being told._

_"She argued with me about it," I admit. "She told me that even though the odds were one in a million, someone had to be that one in a million and who's to say that person isn't Katie. She was the one who took the time with the patient and the patient's parents to discover that the patient had a fall during one of her pageants. She was the one who…."_

_"Have her scrub in and assist you," he asserts, before turning and walking away._

_"Sir?" I question after him._

_"Do you want to be a great surgeon Shepherd?" he asks me, clearly angry as hell._

_"Yes," I nod._

_"Then stop babbling and get into that OR and save your patient," he mutters. "I don't have time for high school mellow dramas!"_

_Ass hole!_

* * *

_Meredith looked shocked when I had told her that I would be performing the procedure and she would be scrubbing in to assist me. As a surgeon, she is amazing. She has skill and skill I haven't seen in an intern throughout my residency. She's brilliant._

_The surgery went well; apart from the fact Meredith answered robotically when I asked her medical questions relating to the case. However, when I tried to make conversation, she completely ignored me. She actually ignored me. I could see the scrub nurses sniggering between one another and from what I heard when I came out of the scrub room, they were appalled that someone like her could ignore me. Apparently she should consider herself lucky that I tried to make conversation with her._

_There was no denying that I had attracted a lot of attention when I arrived here a few days ago. Furthermore, I know I have been an ass. I only met Meredith at lunch time today and have treated her like shit since. Mind you, she gives as good as she gets. Somehow, I feel incredibly uncomfortable knowing she hates me._

_Speaking of uncomfortable, the entire procedure I was incredibly uncomfortable and it wasn't because the chief was watching from the gallery or because there was a tense atmosphere, but because a scent from Meredith overpowered me causing a huge hard on._

_Thank god we wear long baggy gowns when we are operating._

_The scent wasn't strong. It was actually quite subtle but the moment I breathed it in, I was transfixed. It was like a flower like scent and the moment it hit my nose, I felt myself grow hard. How the bloody hell is that possible?_

_After such a long procedure, and such a 'hard' atmosphere, the best thing is a drink of Scotch. The only place I've been acquainted with since I arrived here on Thursday is the hospital, the Archer hotel and Joe's Bar across from the hospital. It's a small bar that most people from the hospital head to after a long, difficult shift or to meet up with friends._

_I've been sitting in the corner; enjoying people watching as I slowly savour my second glass of Scotch. Meredith has been sitting at the bar for the past few hours with her fellow interns. I'm guessing by the way they are interacting with one another, they are close friends. I just wish they would leave in order for me to go and speak to her. I need to make this right. I am aware of how pathetic I sound because I am chief resident at Seattle Grace and she is nothing more than intern. At least that is what I keep trying to tell myself but it isn't working._

_What is it about her that has me so fascinated? Surely it isn't just her flowery scent or the fact she is an intelligent, gifted surgeon. Maybe if I sleep with her and get her out of my system then I can put her out of my head. Hell, she's only been in my head ten hours and she's already infuriating my curiosity. Maybe she will be really bad in bed and my curiosity will be over as soon as it's all finished. Just a quickie to see what the fuss is all about and then leave. She could be appalling._

_There is no way she is appalling in bed._

_I catch sight of Meredith's friends leaving her alone at the bar as they make their way through the busy crowd towards the doorway._

_Yes! They are leaving._

_I quickly finish my Scotch before I slowly make my way towards her at the other end of the bar. If she's aware of me approaching, she doesn't show it._

_"Seattle has ferryboats," I whisper in her ear, before sitting on the stool beside her._

_What the hell are you doing Derek? Idiot!_

_"Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides," she mocks, not even bothering to glance my way. "Ferryboats are kind of a given."_

_"It means I have to like it here," I admit. "I wasn't planning on liking it here."_

_"Is there something I can help you with Dr Shepherd?" she asks coldly._

_Ouch! Okay, I deserve that._

_"You really did amazing in the OR today," I tell her honestly._

_Ah, there's that smell again._

_Stop it, Derek._

_"Thank you," she nods, but still doesn't turn around._

_"The chief told me to tell you that you'll be the intern on the standstill procedure tomorrow," I admit._

_"Seriously?" she asks gleefully, finally turning to face me. For a second, she allows her barriers to come down and when she does, her smile lights up her face._

_I feel my cheek bones stretch to accommodate a huge smile on my own face. When was the last time I smiled like this naturally? No act about it, just smiling for the sake of it because something or someone makes you do so._

_"Yes," I smile. "Like I said, you did an amazing job today."_

_"Thank you," she nods curtly._

_Crap!_

_"Look, I'm sorry," I whisper sincerely._

_She turns and looks at me strangely as if she can't quite get her mind round that the fact that I am apologising to her._

_"Forget it," she murmurs. She tries to act as if it hasn't bothered her but I can tell it does._

_I sigh, trying to find a way to show her I'm serious._

_"Four weeks ago I came home from a shift at the hospital in New York to discover my wife in bed with my best friend. I walked in on the two of them in our room and instead of yelling and shouting like I probably should have done, I just walked out," I murmur softly._

_And I finally have Meredith Grey's attention._

_"In that moment I realised I felt betrayed by him and not her. Mark was my brother. He was my best friend. However, with her, I quickly realised that we had been living a lie for a long time. We loved one another but we weren't in love – at least we hadn't been for a very long time. I have four sisters, three brother in laws', nine nieces and five nephews as well as one very protective mother. Well, she had to be when we were growing up considering we lost our father when we were young. Even though we're adults she still never stops worrying and after everything you said about your mother today, I will never take her for granted again. What I said about your mother today was bang out of order. I don't know you and I don't know her so...I'm sorry," I trail off._

_She looks at me thoughtfully, through her hazel green eyes and I'm desperate to know what she thinking._

_"You caught my infectious rambling gene," she jokes with a small smile._

_I laugh and can finally feel myself relax. I have no idea why I told her all of that but it felt good to get it off my chest._

_"I'd appreciate it if you…"_

_"My mother is in a nursing home because she has early onset Alzheimer's," she confesses in a whisper. "She was diagnosed seven months ago. I was supposed to be doing my internship in Boston but I had to move back here. Today, after my shift, I went by to see her and she told me that she lost the man she loved because she didn't have an abortion and she wished that she had because she would rather have him than her little girl as she is nothing more than a disappointment," she smiles sadly and I'm convinced I can see tears in the corners in her eyes._

_"I…"_

_"I'll cut you a deal Dr Shepherd," she proposes thoughtfully. "You keep my secret and I keep yours?"_

_"Deal," I nod. "On one condition?"_

_"What's that?" she asks with a small smile._

_"You call me Derek when we're not in front of patients?" I ask with a smirk._

_"Fine," she agrees easily._

_"Can I buy you another drink?" I ask hesitantly, hoping she'll say yes._

_"I don't know," she admits unsure. "I really should head back home…"_

_"Come on," I encourage her. "One more won't do any harm."_

_Meredith smiles at me as if she can read every thought I have going on in my head._

_"Okay," she agrees. "One more Diet coke."_

_"Just a soft drink?" I ask, slightly disappointed, as I indicate to the barman for another round._

_"Spent the weekend in Vegas," she smiles. "I'm still working off the hangover and the exhaustion."_

_"Ah," I murmur knowingly, as I pay the barman for our drinks. "Did you have fun?"_

_"Yes," she whispers softly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. "Thanks for this."_

_"You're welcome," I shrug, as if it is no big deal._

_"I'm sorry about your wife," she says sincerely._

_"I'm sorry about you mom," I murmur, sensing her pain and discomfort._

_She nods. "Should we make a toast?" she asks me with a small smirk._

_"Sure," I nod, although I'm not sure what she wants to toast._

_"To a new friendship," she smiles, raising her glass and banging it gently off of mine._

_"To a new friendship," I repeat, smiling at her._

* * *

_I bring my thumb to her chin and push her face up so she's making eye contact with me. Squeezed in a tiny cubicle in the ladies' bathroom at Joe's, the only space between Meredith and I is my erection. She's gazing at me through lustful eyes and I can feel the attraction that's been building up all day, ready to explode inside me._

_I tried to resist her. I tried my damn hardest but it didn't happen. It felt impossible._

_"You're amazing," I murmur softly against her ear, before I start to kiss her shoulder which causes her to moan loudly._

_At least I still know I have 'it'._

_"Shh," I whisper in her as I start to nibble on it, while I feel her hands go to the buttons on my shirt, slowly unbuttoning each one. I follow her lead and pull her cute little waistcoat over her shoulders before I lean in and demand entry to her puckered, wet lips._

_"Hmm," she moans as she allows my tongue entry into her mouth._

_Suddenly I feel her hands move down my bare chest. Wow, her hands are now and my upstanding erection. Her strong, delicate, soft hands are on my erection and it making me…._

_"Meredith," I groan, using one hand to lean against the cubicle wall behind her. "I'm not going to last if you keep doing that."_

_"Don't you like it," she whispers in my ear as she unbuckles my belt._

_In haste, I grab her t-shirt and pull it roughly over her head. I find her lips again as we both pull our jeans down in a daze. I then reluctantly take a small step back to look at her in all her glory._

_Meredith's cheeks are flushed. Her body is firm with small, delicate breasts being held together by a black bra. Her hair comes loosely down her shoulders. When I look at her black panties, I groan loudly as I see that they are wet._

_However, when I look back up into Meredith's eyes, she's looking at me with both lust and hesitation._

_"You look beautiful," I murmur, pulling her towards me._

_"And you are wasting time," she mumbles against my lips, making me smile broadly._

_"Well ok then," I laugh, reaching up to unhook her bra. Once I've freed her, she pulls off her panties and once again I follow her lead, pulling off my boxers._

_"Are you sure about this?" I ask._

_"I'm sure," she nods, as I push her against the cubicle door causing her to groan loudly. My erection is pushing against her pelvis and I can tell she's already close to coming._

_I lean down and start to play with her breasts, with my tongue, while one of my hands goes to her wet, slick folds, taunting and teasing her._

_She starts to moan loudly making me groan. I won't be able to last much longer._

_"Derek," she pants. "Skip…"_

_"Exactly what I like," I smile, coming back up to give her lips some attention. "A woman who gets straight to the point."_

_She's as light as a feather as I lift her up and onto my penis as I grasp her thighs. She gasps from both pain and pleasure._

_"Mer, I'm so sorry," I murmur in her ear. "I'll make it better. I promise I'll make it good." I brought her down on my penis too fast, not allowing her time to adjust to my size._

_I lift her again and move her back down more slowly, giving her time to adjust and loosen. She's wet but she also incredibly tight. Her walls tighten and clamp me down, inside her._

_"Oh god Mer," I moan thrusting in and out of her tight entrance._

_"Derek," she moans, kissing my nose, making me smile. She kissed my nose._

_"Mer," I sigh as I find her lips._

_"Der," she groans loudly, as my thumb finds her clit. Her eyes roll back as she finds the pleasure overpowering her entire body. "Derek," she moans against my cheek._

_"Mer," I groan._

_"Oh god, I'm coming," she murmurs._

_"Mer," I mumble, incoherently. I feel as if I'm somewhere else. I feel as if she's giving me an out of body experience._

_"Der...ek," she mumbles as her orgasm shakes her entire body._

_"Oh god Meredith," I groan, my orgasm following behind hers._

_"Der," she sighs with a soft smile._

"Meredith," I mumble, before opening my eyes and discovering once again I've had the dream. The dream that haunts me. I close my eyes and try and forget about it but it's pointless because it's a dream that keeps coming back to me. It will never leave me.

It's the dream I have often where it starts off when Meredith and I met, then to our interaction in the bar but every dream I have ends with Meredith and I, either in the cubicle of the toilets going at it like rabbits or Meredith and I back at her place, going slowly and seductively. I often wonder if my conscious is trying to tell me that I should have slept with her that night and then maybe we would not be in the mess that we're in.

I open my eyes to discover that I'm back in my room and the alarm is flashing that it's ten a.m. I groan loudly before I look at the doorway to my room and get the fright of my life.

My mother is standing, staring at me with a huge smirk on her face.

"How long have you been standing there?" I demand.

"Long enough," she laughs.

"Oh god," I groan loudly, thankful the cover is over me and that I'm lying on my side, so she doesn't see what's standing to attention down below. Well, not anymore.

"Dear, there's no reason to be embarrassed. It's actually quite natural…"

"Oh mom, stop," I plead, closing my eyes, unable to look her in the eye.

"Derek, did you forget that I use to change your sheets as a teenager?" She asks with a giggle.

"Mom, I will pay you to stop talking," I plead loudly.

"Oh Derek," she laughs lightly. "Anyway, I just came up to tell you that the girls are downstairs and breakfast is just about ready."

"Thanks," I smile at her.

But as she turns to leave my room, a thought strikes me.

"Mom, where did you sneak off to this morning?" I ask.

"What?" she asks, looking surprised.

"When I finally came up here this morning, you weren't here. It was only about half five. Where were you?" I ask. Why is she looking so shifty?

"Uh, I just went for a walk to clear my head," she shrugs.

"You heard us, didn't you?" I ask, seeing right through her.

"I don't know what you mean," she mumbles, heading for the door.

"Mom!" I call back. She turns to face me with a sombre expression. "You know Rachel and I are over. It's for the best."

"I am sorry sweetheart," she whispers gently. "But I do happen to agree with you. It is for the best."

She leaves me to it and I'm left with the image of Meredith in my head, giving me big thumbs up.

I'll find you Meredith Grey. You can't hide from for much longer.

**Review Please? xxxx**


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Carolyn's Point Of View**

I play Jack's words over and over in my mind, wondering how it would be possible to do. He had been so kind and comforting and had told me that he would call with news when he could.

_"…just try and act normal around Derek and the girls today. I promise I will call you the moment I find something. Do not call me Carolyn," Jack warned me. "You have my word that I will call you. Try and have a nice day with your children."_

How the hell am I supposed to do that? How do I act like nothing has happened or nothing is going to happen? Those children that are currently sitting in the dining room, munching on the breakfast feast I've cooked are my whole world and when one of them hurts, I hurt. If my suspicions are confirmed then the pain Derek is already going through will only get worse. My biggest worry will be how he reacts to this. Understandably he will not cope well and once again, his heart will be broken.

As for the girls…well, the girls are not going to take this too well either.

And then there's the other girl I consider a daughter; whose pain I felt but highly underestimated because I never fully understood why she left and I suppose I won't be able to fully understand until Jack finds the evidence I know in my heart to be true. However, even then, I won't be able to understand what she's going through and what she went through until she's home for her to tell me herself.

_"…just try and act normal around Derek and the girls today…"_

_"…Try and have a nice day with your children…"_

Is it wrong to say that, that does not feel possible? How can I possibly behave in a 'normal' manner?

I can here commotion going on around the dining room table. Derek must have told them that he has broken it off with Rachel. By the sounds of things, the girls were not taking it well.

"You were here when she said what she did to mom!" I hear Derek bark. Who was disagreeing with his decision?

"I'm just saying…." Nancy starts.

"I don't want to hear it Nancy!" Derek shouts. "Rachel and I are well and truly over."

"Yes, but…" Nancy tries to argue her point.

"You know, I can't believe you Nancy," Amelia interjects. "She was vile to Mum and to Meredith."

Silence.

Oh Amelia. Why did you have to mention Meredith at a time like this?

"Meredith gave as good as she got," Derek murmurs. I can sense my son's pain as he speaks. I know I should go in there and help but I find myself glued to the spot in the kitchen.

"Not always," Amelia retaliates quietly.

What the hell does she mean by that? She's never said anything to me about Meredith and Rachel.

"What do you mean by that?" Kathleen asks, sounding intrigued. Now Kathleen is going to put her god damn shrink cap on and aggravate everybody at the table. I should go in and help but why don't I want to?

"Meredith always gave as good as she got. In fact, sometimes Meredith didn't exactly help herself," Derek explains defensively. I can tell he's agitated. Hopefully, somebody has the good sense to change the subject. No…instead they seem to want to push through it. This is going to lead to an argument. I know it will.

Amelia scoffs at Derek's response.

"And you act as if I am being inappropriate?" I hear Nancy ask with a laugh. "What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing," Amelia responds. "I…It's just…I never liked Rachel."

"I think we should change the subject," Sophie interjects neutrally.

That's my girl. Get them off this topic. Today needs to be light hearted and happy – well as happy as we can make it.

"No, no," Derek murmurs. "I think Amy has something to say. Amy?"

"Mom?" Sophie calls. "Are those bagels ready?"

"Just a second!" I call back.

"Amy?" Derek asks in a warning tone.

"It's nothing," Amelia whispers apologetically. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply…"

"Yes you did," Derek interrupts her. "You've said it now Amelia, so there is no point in trying to wish it away. What did you mean? What didn't I know about Meredith and Rachel?"

I quickly grab the toasted bagels, fling them on a plate and grab the fresh pot of coffee before I walk into the dining area to find Sophie greeting me with a grateful/slightly awkward smile. Kathleen and Nancy are staring at Amelia with a questioning look while Derek is staring a helpless looking Amelia down.

"Derek? Why don't you have a fresh bagel?" I ask lightly, trying to get him to look at me instead of Amelia. Surely he can see how stricken she looks. Mind you, she doesn't help herself. That girl is all about acting first and thinking later. However, that is exactly why Meredith and Amelia got along so well.

"Amelia?" I'm not going to ask you again," he reprimands. "What did you mean by that?"

"It is nothing Derek," she whispers, emphasising every word. I stand and watch four of my children staring at my youngest and wonder what I can do to help.

"It didn't sound like nothing," Nancy answers smartly. If she wasn't my daughter, I would slap her for that. I know that sounds wrong and I do love her but she really didn't help in situations like these. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is not a cold person. It's just that she is not the type to wear her heart on her sleeve. The change in Nancy is undeniable. She changed when she left her husband after the affair. Things were getting better for her though – that was until Meredith went missing. I know she doesn't only feel anger towards Meredith but for some reason it is the only emotion she is willing to show.

"I just…I…it was always obvious that Meredith and Rachel didn't get along," Amelia shrugs as she starts to cut up the pancakes on her plate.

"They really didn't," Sophie agreed. "Mind you, I struggled to get along with her at times," she continues as she pours fresh coffee into everybody's mugs.

"We all did," Kathleen asserts, sipping her coffee as she watches her brother staring at Amelia with a look of sheer determination to find answers.

"I didn't," Nancy argues.

"Liar," Amelia, Sophie and Kathleen scoff together.

"It's more than that," Derek responds, knowing full well she is holding back. "Please, Amelia. Just tell me."

Amelia looks at me and I give her a small smile to continue. Normally I wouldn't but the problem is that she started and they all had her cornered.

"I think what Amelia is trying to say…"

"Please mom," Derek pleads, finally looking at me. He hasn't been able to do that all morning. He's been too embarrassed since I walked in on him moaning in his sleep. "Amelia is an adult so if she's capable of making comments then I'm pretty sure she's capable of answering a simple question."

He turns back to face a stunned looking Amelia. I don't need to be able to read her mind to know what she, Kathleen, Nancy and Sophie are thinking. Derek has never spoken to me the way he just has.

Never.

"Do you remember how Meredith used to keep her distance and it would really frustrate you?" Amelia asks him gently.

"Yeah," Derek sighs. "Because of Rachel."

"What do you mean because of Rachel?" I ask. "You never told me this."

"It wasn't a big deal ma," he murmurs softly. "Meredith went through a funny stage where she kept her distance because she did not like Rachel…"

"Typical," Nancy scoffs, playing with the food on her plate, obviously having lost her appetite.

"…but I talked it through with her and we sorted things out. I warned her that if she wanted to be my friend then she would have to accept Rachel and she agreed," Derek explains quietly.

I know the topic of conversation is hard for him but he is coping incredibly well.

"These circumstances are always hard," Kathleen chimes in. "Especially on the best friend who has played a huge part in your life. Sometimes it can feel like they're being cast aside by the new girlfriend. It's a completely normal occurrence in a friendship like yours and Meredith's. Plus, there's the fact Meredith had abandonment issues…."

"Yeah, I don't think Mer's issues were the problem," Amelia whispers.

"How do you mean?" Derek asks curiously.

"I mean that the issue wasn't your relationship with Rachel. It was your relationship with Meredith," Amelia sighs, looking at her brother guiltily. "Meredith wasn't the one with the problem Derek. Rachel was."

"I don't understand," Derek stutters, looking rather confused. "That can't be right Amelia."

"Derek…."

Derek looks outraged by the possibility and lets it show. "Why was Meredith the one keeping her distance then?" Derek demanded.

"You want to know why Derek?" Amelia asks with a heartbroken expression. "Because you're so called girlfriend threatened her."

"What?" All five of us ask at once. Anybody outside listening in would be convinced we have a bloody parrot.

`"Derek, I know you've had a difficult night and this is the last thing you want to hear. I should have kept my mouth shut and for that I'm sorry," Amelia says sincerely. "I was at Meredith's about a year and a half ago when Rachel came barging in to the house. I was in the kitchen so she didn't know I was there…"

"This would be the weekend you were here to visit me and Meredith?" Derek asks quietly.

"Yes, it was. We were in the house drinking and like I said, I was in the kitchen so thankfully Rachel didn't know I was there," Amelia started, as I finally took my seat at the table. "She went on and on about how Meredith controlled your strings and how much she must have loved being in control of her little Derek puppet…"

"What? I was never…"

"I know Derek. She told Meredith that you were hers now and there was no way she would allow some two-faced, average looking whore ruin things between the two of you. Meredith couldn't get a word in edge ways," Amelia explains.

"How did she threaten her though?" Nancy asks bluntly, not looking the least bit convinced by Amelia's words.

Sophie gives me a strange look as if I might be able to stop this. Does she know what Amelia is about to spill?

"You know Amelia…." Sophie starts.

Derek holds up his hand for Sophie to stop talking. "Let her talk," he murmurs quietly.

"Her father was the Mayor at the time," Amelia whispers, apologetically- obviously, uncomfortable by the topic. "She made sure to emphasise the point that her family had friends in high places and all it would take is one phone call from her to make sure Meredith's career was over as well as being able to make sure her life was made a living hell."

Before I even have a chance to process what Amelia has said, Derek gets up from the table and storms out, leaving the rest of us staring at his retreating back. I would call out after him like the girls do but I know there is no point. He needs time.

Shit!

If Rachel threatened Meredith like that then that means….

I'm right. I have to be.

And if so, then Meredith Elizabeth Grey – I am coming to find you!


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note; Thank you to all those who commented on my last update. I love reading about what you think. I Hope you all enjoy this update**

**Derek's Point of View**

Walking around the park that Meredith and I love…loved…love so much, I am trying my very best to calm down as well as trying to clear my head. However, I am failing at both. Meredith loves this park so much. She used to come here to clear her head. She would come here and watch the children play in the sand pit or go for a jog, in order to clear her mind from whatever was stressing her out.

I loved watching her, watching the children. The smile that would naturally come across her soft, delicate face always succeeded in making my heart swell. When we lost a patient she would sneak off to the nursery on the third floor or if the two us had an argument then I always knew I could find her there or here. Mind you, we rarely ever fought. And even if we did, neither one of us could cope with the idea of the other being mad at them.

When it came to children, Meredith was always clear that she never wanted any children which to me, was incredibly sad. She would make an amazing mother and I always hoped that one day she would change her mind. Meredith is so kind hearted. She always went on about how dark and twisty she was but she was never that to me. Yes, she was constantly haunted with abandonment issues from her childhood but somehow, she wasn't with me or Cristina for that matter. She was always so strong and always strong enough to get me, the family and our friends through whatever difficult situation we were in.

What I never understood was how she could always get everybody through the hard times, bring peoples spirits back up but yet she was always so hard on herself. I hated that and at times it was so hard to watch. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her into my way of thinking as she was the most important person in my life.

She still is.

I do know that it routes from her mother. Her mother never gave her the childhood that everyone should have. Instead, she expected perfection. She expected greatness and no matter how hard Meredith tried, she never reached her mother's ludicrous expectations. The sad thing about it all is if Ellis had looked close enough, she would have seen that Meredith is the true definition of perfection. Yes, she makes mistakes. Yes, she can be difficult but Meredith essentially raised herself and became a beautiful human being and a caring, compassionate surgeon. That is pretty close to perfection to me.

How can somebody have such a huge impact on your life, be such an important person in your life and yet you never realise until they are gone?

"Derek?" Amelia questions attentively, looking down on me with worry. These park benches are incredibly uncomfortable and I would love to walk away right now but I feel myself stuck where I am.

"Why?" I ask, aware of how bitter I sound.

"Why what?" she asks hesitantly, taking a seat beside me. I can feel the anger boil inside of me. She knows exactly what I am asking. How could she not?

"You know what!" I snap.

"Meredith didn't want you to know," she whispers. "And she made me promise."

"Why?" I push, shivering as the cold wind hits us.

"Derek, when I had left after that weekend, I spoke with Meredith on the phone regularly and she had assured me that she and Rachel had, had it out," Amelia begins to explain gently. "She had me convinced. You know what Meredith is like. She is never afraid to speak her mind. I had assumed it was all sorted and you never let on about any problems between Meredith and Rachel when I spoke to you so I just assumed it was all okay. The next time I was here was three months later and it was clear instantly that things were not okay between Meredith and Rachel."

"So why didn't you say anything?" I ask in a whisper. Why didn't Meredith say anything to me? Surely she would know that she could come to me about anything.

"I confronted Meredith about it and she said that I was focusing on her and Rachel too much. She said that you and her were okay and Rachel's threats were only empty because she was a little insecure. She said that I shouldn't open my mouth because the only thing I would succeed in doing is upsetting you…"

"That is…"

"She was being protective of you Derek. It's what she felt she had to do and I could understand where she was coming from," Amelia whispers, placing her hand gently on my shoulder.

Considering I'm hunched over, leaning my elbows on my knees, I can't look at her but I sense her worry. I know she is hoping that I am not incredibly mad at her.

"What about her?" I ask softly, finally looking at Amelia to see a mixture of guilt and confusion written over her face.

"What about Meredith?" she asks hesitantly.

"Who was protecting her?" I ask, aware of how pathetic I must sound. "Don't you see? Don't you get it Amelia? Meredith spent most of her life with no one. She was doing everything herself. Alone. I promised her that I would always be there. So how could this have been going on on under my nose without me knowing about it? And how could you allow it?"

"Because I thought that Rachel's threats were empty," she whispers, tears streaming down her face. "And they were," she adds, sounding as if she was pleading.

Silence overcomes us as Amelia cries quietly. I know I am over reacting because what was Rachel going to do? Cut Meredith out of my life forever? How could she do that when Meredith and I were practically joined at the hip? Mind you, she threatened her, under my nose, which obviously had an impact on Meredith considering she kept her distance from me until I pulled her up about it and even then she never told me why she had. She kept it secret in order to protect me and I hate that more than anything because I should have been the one protecting her. I know in my heart that this isn't Amelia's fault but I can't help but feel betrayed by the fact she didn't tell me.

"She was my best friend too Derek," Amelia whispers sadly, into the crisp morning air. "She was my best friend too and there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think about her."

"You don't think she's coming back, do you?" I ask, feeling my voice shake. I have asked this question to everybody and I always know what the answer is going to be.

"No, I don't," she cries, causing my heart to brake as I pull my little sister into my arms and hold her close.

I have asked that question so many times, heard the same answer several times but for the first time, hearing the words didn't sting so much. Maybe I'm now immune to them…or maybe I am starting to believe it without actually realising it.

"I am so sorry Derek," she sobs into my chest. "I just miss her so much."

"I know you do," I murmur, at a loss of what else to say. "I know you do," I repeat.

I rub my hand up and down her arm in the hope I can allow her to feel comfort that I can't. I remember doing this for Meredith one night that she was drunk and she told me that she always felt safest in my arms. When she said that, I honestly remember the feeling of my heart leap. But it wasn't until I thought about it, I felt disheartened by her words because that is something you more than likely felt about a friend more than you would about someone you love.

I'm not saying that someone who is in love shouldn't feel safe in their partner's arms. Hell, I always felt safest with Meredith and she wasn't my partner, nor was she aware that I was/am in love with her. When Meredith said those words, it was as if she was confirming that I will always be the best friend and never 'the one'. I would never be the person she shares the rest of her life with whole heartedly.

But I had to find a way to get over that. However, I don't think I ever have. The only thing I learned was that having Meredith in my life as her best friend was far better than not having her in my life at all.

"Derek?" Amelia questions softly. "Do you…"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I do. And believe me. I ask myself the same question every day and the answer is always the same. Sure, I have doubts but none are strong enough to change my mind. I believe she is coming back Amelia and all I know is that I am going to have to be incredibly strong for her when she does…"

"I wish I had your optimism," she sighs quietly into the cold night air. I can feel the temperature growing colder by the second. Thankfully, even with my anger, I had the sense to grab my woollen coat and scarf before I came out here.

"I have enough optimism for all of us," I whisper into her hair as I hold her close to my side.

"You're a good big brother," she murmurs softly.

"Thank you," I answer, feeling myself get slightly chocked up by her words.

"Derek?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yeah?" I sigh; as I watch a group of children play a game of hide and seek.

"Will you yell at her when she comes home?" she asks me quietly. As much as the question surprises me, the answer is instant.

"Yes," I respond honestly, as she pulls away, out of my arms to look me in the eye. "I know I will because right now, I can't think of what could have caused her to walk away. I'll yell at her for all she has put us through. I will yell at her for thinking that running was the easy answer. I will yell Amelia but I will also forgive her because she is the love of my life and no matter what, she is the most important person in my life, whether she is here right now or not."

"You don't think something happened to her? You think she ran because she got scared?" Amelia asks, as if it is no surprise.

"Something already did happen to her. She lost a patient who she was incredibly close too," I begin to explain, looking at her intently. I like how comfortable I feel talking to Amy about her; like she's not going to admit me to psych any second just for talking about her. "Meredith spent most of her life running away from things Amy. It is all she knew how to do because she raised herself. No one was ever there for her and I just wonder how alone she must have felt to leave the way she did? I mean I didn't do much to help her after she quit because she wouldn't allow me to. And eventually, I kept my distance but then, the morning of the accident I decided enough was enough and I was going to drag her out of bed and help her through it; because I missed her. I needed her. And most of all, I hated that she was hurting alone. But just because…just because I was there that morning Amelia, doesn't change how incredibly alone she must have felt. It doesn't, all of a sudden, make the depression and the anxiety vanish. And it definitely doesn't make the guilt disappear either."

"I guess not," she sighs.

Silence falls over us again as we both watch the children grow excited as their mum and dad came out from hiding. They were all smiling, laughing together, without a care in the world. I use to have that picture in my mind, where I would be the dad that would always be there. Nothing like Meredith's cowardly excuse for a father. I would be there. Meredith and I were an amazing team and we would be as parents.

We can all dream.

"You do realise you admitted she is the love of your life," Amelia giggles with a small smile placed on her lips, as she and I watch the dad swinging the young girl around in his arms as she squeals with delight.

"I did," I nod, smiling back at her.

"Well it's about time," she whispers, giving me a playful shove with her shoulder. We laugh as we watch the young girl scream with giggles as her dad turns into the tickle monster. "Dad would have loved her," she smiles sadly.

"He would," I nod in agreement. My dad would have loved Meredith. That, I am more than sure of. "I told her that," I tell her. "So did mom."

"You did?" she asks with surprise.

"I did," I smile. It's funny how I was never comfortable talking about my dad until Meredith came along.

"You never talk about him," she omits quietly. I can tell she is nervous about discussing him and I remember feeling that way once but I thankfully don't feel that way anymore. And it all thanks to Meredith.

"I do," I argue gently, turning to face her pained face.

"You don't," she breathes, shaking her head. "And it's ok. I get it," she shrugs as if she is trying to pretend it isn't a big deal to her when I know it is.

"I do Amy," I insist. "I didn't," I admit guiltily. "And I haven't with you. But I do talk about him now," I confess.

"Because of Meredith?" she enquires gently.

"Yes," I smile sadly. "Do you know what she once told me?"

"What?"

"She told me that I had this horrible nightmare happen to me and she couldn't imagine the pain I went through on a daily basis in order to get through it. In order to get past it," I start. "But then she told me, no matter how much pain I was in or no matter how difficult I found it, there was no excuse for me being a jackass…"

"Seriously?" Amelia laughs.

"Seriously," I nod, laughing.

"Huh," she breathes. "That is exactly why I love that girl."

"Me too," I chuckle. "Me too."

"Why did she say that?" she questions me, once our laughing finally subsides.

"Because it was true," I answer honestly. "And because she seen the way you and I were with one another. She told me that it was horrible for me because I witnessed our father getting shot whilst trying to protect my little sister. It was awful for me because I watched the man I looked up to and admired so much be killed for a watch…But…but…"

"But what?" she pushes gently.

"But as much as you couldn't understand my point of view, there is no way I could understand what happened to you," I confess. "I forgot one important thing. Well, two actually."

"Two?" she asks me, blatantly confused.

"That you were a little girl who didn't understand what was going on and that I have one thing you didn't. I have…"

"Memories," Amelia finished for me.

"I should have realised that at the time…"

"You were nine Derek," she defends me lightly.

"Doesn't matter," I shake my head. "I was older than you and it shouldn't have taken Meredith coming into my life to make me open my eyes."

She looks at me strangely and for the first time I can't tell what she is thinking until I realise what she is wanting.

"What do you want to know?" I ask gently, with a small smile to show her it is okay.

"You don't have to do this," Amy assures me.

"Yes, I do," I insist, pulling her back into my arms for a hug. "Now what do you want to know?" I repeat as we watch the perfect, happy family walk by with huge smiles on their faces.

"Everything," she smiles. "I want to know everything."

**I'm begging you all to comment and let me know what you think of this?**


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**I am so sorry it has taken so long to post this but I hope you enjoy this IMPORTANT update! Have a fab weekend everyone! xxxx**

**Meredith's Point of View**

Why can't the nightmare's stop? Isn't it enough that I am haunted with the past every minute of every day? Do I really have to be haunted in my sleep too? But then I suppose I see everything as a nightmare. Even when my mind wanders to happy memories, I am haunted. I am haunted with the guilt.

I'm not saying it isn't what I deserve so therefore I cannot and will not moan about it. Ever. However, it doesn't stop me thinking about the frustration of it.

I'm haunted with what Carolyn, Amelia, Sophie, Nancy and Kathleen must think of me and how they must be feeling as well as how Derek's beautiful nieces and nephews must be feeling considering they all loved their Uncle Derek. The image of their smiling faces as their Uncle Derek played the tickle monster or the human swing where he would swing the children about in his arms will forever haunt me.

_"Uncle Derek!" Lucy calls from the living room. How Derek managed to convince me to help him babysit Nancy's four young children – Lucy, Abby, Thomas and Jamie- I'll never know. To make matters worse, I am working night shift tonight so when tomorrow morning comes, I will be crawling into my bed._

_Nancy and her husband were in town for the weekend to see her brother. I had met Nancy quite a few times and it certainly took her a while to warm up to me – and vice versa for that matter. But now, we seem to be on an even keel. We are actually getting along really well. Strangely enough, she told me she was delighted that Derek had asked me to help out today. She wasn't even being sarcastic. Mind you, I think it was more to do with the fact it meant the kids would be at my house, instead of out in the woods, on Derek's land._

_Derek's family seem to have an issue with the trailer which is not something I can understand because personally, I love it. It is so Derek, even if they can't see it yet. Apparently Kathleen thinks it is part of an early mid-life crisis._

_"Uncle Derek! Auntie Meredith!" Lucy calls again._

_That is the main reason I'm smiling today. They're calling me 'Auntie' Meredith. It wasn't even something they were asked to do._

_The boys are in the living room playing their video games while the twins are playing a game of hide n' seek with Derek and I. Nancy warned us that they have an obsession with the game , thanks to their Auntie Sophie. I will have to kill that girl the next time I see her because it is her fault I am currently crammed under the desk in my office._

_"I think they're hiding upstairs," I hear Abby whisper loudly._

_"If they were hiding upstairs then we would have heard them go up the stairs," Lucy asserts. She is one little smarty pants._

_"Not if they were on their tiptoes," Abby whispers firmly, clearly not liking her sister getting the better of her. The girls are only three and a half but they are intelligent ones at that and for whatever reason, they accept me into their family with open arms._

_"The kitchen," I hear Lucy breathe as I catch sight of them heading in the opposite direction of me, towards the kitchen._

_Poor Derek…not!_

_I gently creek my head out from my hiding place to sneak a peek at Tom and Jamie. At ten, Jamie is the oldest and makes sure everybody knows it. You can tell he gets aggravated though when Jamie reminds him that he is only a year older than him. At nine years of age, Tom is the quiet reserved one. Don't get me wrong, it is clear how much he loves his brother and sisters and how protective he is over all of them but he is the type of young boy who would rather be in his room playing computer games than outside with his brother and their friends; running around and playing._

_Derek is amazing with the two of them as he can relate to both of them. Jamie loves nothing more than watching a game of basketball with his dad, Uncle Derek and Uncle Mark. Derek loves spending that time with him or teaching him tricks when it comes to soccer or football. When it comes to Tom though, Derek has a soft spot for him because the way Tom is it is exactly the way Derek was when he was growing up. Derek didn't really take an interest in sports until his final year in high school. On top of all that, Derek loves taking the boys fishing. It is the one thing they all have in common. Derek and Mike took the boys fishing early this morning while I helped Izzie out at the hospital and Nancy and the girls had a nice long lie in, before they treated themselves to a delicious breakfast from the Italian Derek and I love down the road from the hospital._

_I had better slide back in before I get caught!_

_Ouch!_

_Wise move Meredith! How come when I play this game, I always end up hiding under something that results in me banging my head off of it? You are under the desk Meredith! Take note!_

_"Uncle Dewek!" I hear the girls squeal with delight. "Uncle Dewek!"_

_He is such a big kid._

_"Auntie Mewedith, HELP US!" They shout. "Auntie Mewedith!"_

_Oh no, it's…_

_"Auntie Mewedith, the ti…the ti...ckle...mons…ter! Aun…tie…Mew!" they squeal through their giggling fits._

_Crap! Is he doing this just so I'll come out of my hiding spot?_

_No, I bet he is just tired of playing this game._

_"Auntie Mewedith!" Lucy shrieks._

_"Shut up!" the boys shout from the living room, clearly annoyed that their game is being disturbed._

_"Boys," I warn lightly, coming out of my hiding spot._

_They shouldn't be shouting in the house," Jamie argues, like a typical no it all._

_"You just shouted," I argue back lightly, trying to stop myself from laughing._

_"And you said 'Shut up'," Tom adds helpfully. "You're not allowed to say 'shut up'."_

_"You just said it," Jamie responds defensively._

_"No yelling and no saying shut up!" I warn lightly, still trying to sound like and behave like their 'cool Aunt Meredith'._

_"Auntie Mewedith!" the girls scream from the kitchen._

_"Tell them that," Jamie mocks, not bothering to take his eyes off of the T.V._

_"I will," I agree with a small smile on my lips. Jamie is a lovable kid and if there is an argument to be made, he will always make it, no matter what the reason or outcome which is why I love him so much. It's a quality that needs to me admired, not frowned upon. Although, it can be annoying when he wants to debate with you all the live long day._

_"Auntie Mewedith, help!" Abby giggles._

_"Shut…Be quiet!" Jamie calls from the living room, making me smile. That boy is one fast learner._

_As I stand in the kitchen doorway, I watch as Derek has each girl in one of his arms as if they are weights at the gym and starts gently spinning them around making them squeal in delight. Watching them laugh and giggle, I can feel my heart pounding faster. I watch the love of my life doing the one thing he loves most in the world next to surgery – spend time with his precious family. He's laughing. He's smiling. Why can't I just say it? Why can't I say those three little words?_

_I love you._

* * *

What if I had told Derek that I loved him? His heart would have probably crumbled into a million pieces. That's what seemed to happen when I touch or stay around anything or anyone I care about – they crumble around me. That's why I am always best keeping my distance.

"Meredith," Michael coughs violently.

"Are you okay?" I question with a small sigh. I am growing more and more concerned about him. He needs help. However, he is more stubborn than I am which makes it difficult.

"You're crying," he observes, putting his arm around me in order to try and comfort me.

"I am not," I answer defensively.

"Oh really?" he questions lightly. "Then what's this?" he asks, wiping the moisture form under my eyes.

Before I can answer, Michael breaks out into another coughing fit.

"You need to tell Dr Bennet about that cough of yours Michael. It really doesn't sound good," I murmur. In all honesty, his cough is beginning to really worry me. He could easily have a chest infection or pneumonia. And more than likely, he does.

"I don't need…"

"I mean it Michael," I warn, leaving no room for argument.

"What would I do without you?" he splutters out, during a coughing fit as I rub his back in order to help. It isn't much help but unfortunately it is all I can give him right now.

"Probably live a peaceful life," I whisper and I can tell by his smile that he thinks I am joking…but I am not.

* * *

**Derek's Point of View**

The family and I had a really good day. Days like these feel rare and are few and far between for me. They did ever since Meredith left me behind. The only horrible thing about today was finding out Meredith was threatened by the woman I was kidding myself that I loved.

I miss Meredith. She would have loved today.

Ugh. I need to stop this. I can't keep doing it to myself.

Lying here though, I can't help but think it. She is the last thing I think about before I got to sleep. She is the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning. I think about her in the scrub room, in the O.R., when I'm at Joe's, when I'm spending time with mom, when I look at Cristina, when I'm talking to Richard, when I'm eating pizza or strawberry ice cream, when I'm drinking coffee, when I pass the Tequila bottles in the supermarket. I even think of her in my sleep. Basically, I can't escape her. I think about her all the time. Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom without her on my mind.

I need to stop. I need it to stop because I'm not being fair to everyone else around me. I'm not being fair to the people that are here, right now. To quote Meredith's least favourite Friends character, Rachel. "You know how you find them (your soul mate), you stop looking for them. Let them find you."

I just hope that is true because I need for her to come back to me as I clearly suck at finding her. Frankly, I clearly suck without her. I just don't know what to do without her by my side. I always worried about her. Always. It didn't matter whether she was at Joe's or went to Vegas for a long weekend; I always worried about her even though I knew exactly where she was. Now, I have no idea where she is and no idea what to do.

I can here noises downstairs. Mom's such a light sleeper and for the past year, it has been made worse by the worry and strain of Meredith and me for that matter. I didn't help when I was in a constant mood because I missed my best friend and I was constantly missing, worrying about Meredith.

Mom is another person I constantly worry about. She's already been through so much heartache in her life. She deserves to be living out the rest of her life in peace and happiness with the people she loves and the people who love her, around her. She doesn't deserve this mess that we are in.

What was that?

That sounded like a whimper.

I feel a groan escape my lips as I move my exhausted body off my bed and head towards my bedroom door. Opening it, I can here muffled voices downstairs. One was definitely mom's but I can't hear who the other's is. Is that Kathleen? Soph…No, it's Amy.

What the hell is going on down there?

Should I go down or should I leave them?

Go down!

"Mom, you need to take a breath and try and calm down," Amelia whispers to my mom as I stand on the staircase, listening in.

"How am I supposed to tell him Amelia?" I hear my mother sob. "How am I supposed to tell him?" she repeats, pain evident in her voice.

What the hell has Amy done now?

"Mom you need to…" Amy stops speaking as she turns to see that I have entered the room.

"What have you said to her?" I snap, walking towards the couch and sitting myself down on the other side of my mom to rub my arm up and down her back in a soothing motion, just like Amelia is at her side.

"I haven't said anything," she protests.

"I…ah…I…." My mother gasps as she pants for breath.

"Take a deep breath, mom," I order firmly.

What could have gotten her into such a state?

"Amelia, do you know why she's so upset?" I ask, before I see mom trying to speak again. "Don't try and talk mom," I whisper before pulling her close to me for a hug. Maybe that's what she needs. It is a stressful time and things are bound to be getting on top of her.

"She…uh…it should come from her. She wants to be the one to tell you," she whispers in a crackly voice.

"What does she not want to tell me Amy?" I ask, although my full focus and attention is on mom.

"She'll tell you when she's ready," she murmurs softly, rubbing a hand up and down mom's back. "I know you don't believe me mom but it will be okay," Amy insists, staring into our mom's eyes.

What could it be? And why would it have her in this emotional state? Oh…she wants to go home. I get it. She needs to go back home.

"I get it," I whisper aloud.

"I doubt it," Amy mutters, as mom is finally calming down in my arms. Does Amy really think I'm that stupid that I can't see what is wrong with our mother? She wants to go home but doesn't know how to tell me. It's only then I turn and look at Amy and see the big, circular red splotches that are under her eyes too. They've both been crying.

"Have you been crying?" I ask, feeling dumbfounded by it all. Amelia wouldn't be crying if mom wanted to go back to New York. Amy stares back at me with a glimmer of fear in her eyes but I'm pulled from her gaze when mom pulls out of my arms to look me straight on, in the face, with a serious, dire expression.

Gulp.

I've only ever seen that look once on my mother's face before, when she told us that dad had died.

"Seriously, you two, what is this about?" I ask, trying to keep fear out of my voice as I look between the two.

"Today, you kept asking if I was okay," Mom started, looking incredibly hesitant as well as hurt.

"Yeah," I nod. "You were incredibly jumpy and you kept checking your Blackberry. A gadget you barely know how to use," I add lightly, trying to make them smile but Amy and mom continue to stare at me as if I need to guess where they are going with this. "You are both freaking me out now. Will one of you please tell me what is going?"

"Mom," Amelia interjects, taking one of mom's hands in hers. Watching mom, I suddenly feel petrified. If I was to tap her right now, she would literally crumble into a million pieces in front of me. "Why don't you…"

Oh god.

She is dead.

"This is about Meredith," I think aloud, not needing to ask them. I can tell by the look on my mum's face as the tears run down her face. "Is she…" I start, terrified to ask if she's dead.

"Mom has found out the reason Meredith left the way she did," Amelia interrupts as tears roll down her face too.

What?!

How could she possibly know that?

"How the hell…"

"Derek, if you want to find out, you can't interrupt, even to ask questions. Let mom talk and then you can ask anything you want afterwards," My baby sister asserts, as mom stares at me with an unsure look. "Mom? That sounds fair, doesn't it?" Mom nods but doesn't bother to turn back to face Amelia; she just continues to stare at me. "Why don't you start by telling Derek about how…"

"I went to see Ellis yesterday," Mom pipes up. "And as much as I know this isn't going to make sense to you, I was convinced there was strong meaning in what she said so I did a little digging…"

"What doesn't make…" I start but Amy stares me down in warning. Since when did my baby sister become the boss of me?

Amelia is holding one hand of mom's and I take hold of the other as she begins to shake with, I'm guessing, nerves.

"Take your time mom," I whisper, squeezing her hand to reassure her. I want to scream at her to tell me. I want her to blurt it out but I know I can't do that because it will make her worse and it'll take them both longer to tell me. "Just take your time. There's no need to rush," I add, trying to reassure her as well as myself.

Deep breaths.

"Ellis was pretty lucid when I went in to speak to her yesterday. At first I didn't think she was because what she was talking about, but what she was saying eventually sunk in and began to make sense," my mom murmurs, squeezing my hand tightly.

What does she mean she made sense? Ellis has Alzheimer's. It's not as if the woman couldn't speak proper sentences. She just couldn't form new memories. It's just that she basically lived in the past, getting confused about who everybody is.

"Derek, she knew who you were. She asked who I was and when I told her that I was your mom, she asked me if you were the one in the accident with Meredith," My mom tells me hoarsely.

Okay.

Wait…What?

"That's not possible," I blurt out, without thinking.

"Derek, I know this is hard," my mom breathes. I can tell she is trying to remain calm for me. "But as soon as I said your name, she asked if you were the same Derek that was in the car accident with Meredith."

"How the hell…I…what else did she say? Why didn't you tell me this?" I ask, losing my cool.

"Derek," Amelia murmurs sadly. "Mom decided…"

"How long have you known?" I snap, unable to take it. "Look mom, did she know anything else?"

"This is going to be hard to hear Derek," she informs me.

"I don't care," I snap. "I need to know!" They couldn't seriously expect me to keep calm, could they?

"Derek," Amelia warns. "This isn't mom's fault and if you want her to tell the whole story then you have to stay calm."

I take a slow deep breath before I look at our mom and ask the question I need the answer to. "What else did Ellis say mom?"

"She spoke about how Meredith felt incredibly guilty for what happened," she whispers as more tears stroll down her face.

"What…"

"Derek," Amy warns again.

"She feels guilty about the fact…about the fact…about…about how she killed you," Mom cries sadly.

"What?" I feel myself shriek. I let go of my mom's gripping hand and start to pace my living room floor.

"Derek, there is…"

"I'll need to get her into the hospital," I assert. "Run some tests and see what is going on."

"We don't know where she is Derek," Amelia speaks softly, obviously thinking I am talking about Meredith.

"Not Meredith, Amelia," I murmur. "Ellis," I nod before continuing to pace.

"Derek, I thought there was something wrong with this but then I realised it was too big a coincidence so I snuck out early this morning to see Richard and ask for the CCTV footage of the day of the accident and when Meredith left," my mom whispers, looking at me with uncertainty.

"Mom, you can't seriously think that Meredith is out there thinking that she has killed me…Wait, you spoke to Richard….What the…"

"Derek, mom found something on the CCTV footage," Amelia interrupts, losing her patience with me. My anger wasn't helping control my mom's upset state but for some reason I couldn't go over and comfort her. I just needed to hear the whole story.

The CCTV footage has already been looked at. I was there for that.

This cannot be happening.

"The detectives and the private investigator looked at…." I begin, suddenly stopping still as I feel my body shake and bile rise in my throat.

"They looked at Meredith's movements from the moment she left her room to her leaving the hospital but they never looked further back. Your next door neighbour Jack…well, I gave the tapes to him," she starts, standing up and coming over towards my shaking body. "He, as a retired detective, still has contacts. He looked through the tapes, found what he needed and sent it to a lip reading specialist," she explains, as she pulls me into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry sweetheart," she whispers in my ear.

"Tom?" I question, trying to wrap my mind around this. Then it dawns on me. "It was his phone call you were waiting for today," I murmurs, feeling her nod her head slightly clarifying it.

My mom cries on my shoulder as I hold her tightly to me and turn our bodies slightly so I can see Amelia's face. She too, has tears running down her face. I have to ask her because mom is too upset to answer me. One way or another I need to know.

"Amelia," I gulp. "What did he find?"

"Derek," she gasps. "Rachel made a fake death certificate. She told Meredith that you had gone into cardiac arrest and there was nothing the doctors could do. She told her…she…she…" she breaks off; gasping slightly as soft sobs take over.

"Rachel?" I gasp. "She would…Oh no!" She would. She hated Meredith. But surely not to that extent? She wouldn't do that to me? Surely not!

Mum pulls back and looks at me through tear stained eyes.

"She told Meredith that the entire family hated her for taking you away from us and as far as we were concerned she was dead to us too," my mom cries slightly, as Amelia stands from the couch and mum pulls us both in for a big, well needed hug, sobbing on one another's shoulder.

The love of my life thinks she has killed me.

My best friend thinks she killed me.

She thinks she no longer has a family.

She thinks she no longer has me.

There's only one thing for certain right now – Rachel is going to pay!


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Note: I hope you enjoy this update! Xxx Please, please comment and let me know what you think xxx**

**Derek's Point of View**

To say I can't think straight right now has to be the biggest understatement of my life. Mind you, how can I possibly think straight with everything that has happened? I thought I would feel relief once I had found the answer to why Meredith left or at least a little relief. But the only three things it has done is left me reeling, left me more worried and left me with more unanswered questions.

But then every question I ask, mom seems to have the answer. Like, why she didn't come upstairs and see for herself that I was alive, even if she was shown 'the death certificate'? Why didn't she talk with the family because they would have never have blamed her? Mom says that I have to remember Meredith's state of mind before the accident. That we have to remember exactly what Meredith was told by Rachel and thanks to an hour long phone call to the FBI consultant who specialises in lip reading, I now do.

What the hell was Rachel thinking?

Why would she do something like that?

I wish my mind could switch off for just a minute; a minute where I could be in bliss and not think about anything or anyone. When I'm not thinking about answers to so many unanswered questions, I'm thinking and feeling the guilt of what my poor mother is going through. Her heart broke all over again last night. None of this is fair on her. Absolutely none of it!

Then there's the guilt attached to Meredith. What must she be going through right now? Is she coping okay? Is she still practicing medicine? Does she think about us? Is she worrying about her mom? Is she in pain? Is she hurt? How will she react when she finds out I am not dead?

Although it was incredibly hard to hear what Rachel told her, it made some things make sense. Such as why she signed over power of Attorney to Richard in regards to her mother. She sold her house quickly and for a steal but I'm glad I bought it back because she loves that home. She grew up in that home and she'll need it for when she comes back. The guy she sold it to was a bloody con though. Mom told me I was crazy for giving him double for what he got for it but I didn't care because all I wanted was that house in my name to keep it safe for Meredith's return.

Having to tell our entire family, this morning, exactly why Meredith left was the hardest thing I had to do. Amelia and Mum sat in the conference room with me as I explained to Richard, Adele, Bailey, Teddy, Cristina, Owen, Alex, Mark, Izzie, George, Callie, Arizona, Nancy, Kathleen and Sophie. Most had the look of sheer shock, dismay, anger and disapproval on their faces. Izzie and Sophie were in floods of tears the moment I told them. Alex, Mark, Owen, Richard, Adele, Bailey, Nancy started shouting which lead to an argument. Arizona, Teddy and Callie all looked shocked. Kathleen was the typical psychiatrist, trying to get everyone to calm down and talk to one another. And then there was Cristina. Cristina simply stared at me through absent eyes. Before I could even offer any words of comfort, she walked out the conference room door, Owen quickly following behind her. I was then left to do damage control.

Everybody wants answers. Everybody wants to know why Rachel did what she did. They all wanted to be here with me now – apart from Cristina as I never had the chance to speak to her. She basically spent the rest of the day avoiding me.

Mom was desperate to be here with me and it broke my heart to tell her that this was something I had to do on my own. For all I know, Rachel could know where Meredith is and she being here would only wind Rachel up which would mean we would get no answers out of her.

Today I kept asking mom if she was okay because like Cristina, she had an absent look about her. It was as if there is more to the story or she's thinking things and she doesn't want to tell me what. I asked several times but each time, she shut down and simply responded 'I'm fine'.

Exactly like Meredith would.

"Sir," I hear someone whisper from beside me. I look up from the table to see a beaming waitress smiling back at me. "Can I get you something else to drink while you wait for the other half of your party to arrive?"

"I'm…" I'm about to say I'm fine when I look down and see that I've already finished my second glass of Scotch. I better not have another because as much as I need Dutch courage, I also need to keep a clear head. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" The young girl asks politely.

"No, I'm not," I laugh, feeling my nerves boil. "I'll have another. I have a funny feeling I'm going to need it."

"Difficult day?" she asks, giving me a sympathetic head nod.

"You could say that," I mumble. It's not as if I can actually tell her. I can't snap at her either and tell her to hurry up and get me a drink which I really want her to do.

"You have that look," she breathes, giving me an odd look.

"What looks that?" I ask as I look around the crowded restaurant.

"The look that says your about to break up with someone," she laughs lightly, making me laugh too.

"The break up has already happened," I smile politely. "This conversation I have planned is much, much worse than that."

"I'm sorry," she smiles sadly. "You must think I'm incredibly nosy."

"I don't thi…"

"He does," a voice interrupts me. The waitress steps out of the way for us both to see behind her. "There's no point flirting with my boyfriend," Rachel laughs bitterly, giving the waitress an evil look. How much more possessive can one person get? "He's taken and before you say anything else, he is incredibly happy and satisfied," she smiles smugly at our now bright red faced waitress before she turns slightly to wink at me.

Oh god.

You bitch!

I give the waitress a sympathetic look before she scurries away faster than Cristina hearing there is a bloody surgery available for her to scrub in on.

"Darling," she whispers, giving me that patronising smile. "I just knew you would call," she breathes smugly, giving me a peck on the cheek and sitting across from me.

Bite your tongue Derek. Don't say anything too hasty.

You can't blow this.

This is for Meredith. This is for Meredith. This is for Meredith. Meredith. Meredith. Meredith.

"You did?" I ask, mocking surprise. How could anything surprise me after what she did to Meredith and my family?

"Of course," she smiles, clasping her hands together and putting her elbows on the table to lean in closer. "I want you to know that I forgive you."

"You forgive me?" I splutter out slowly. What? She has to be kidding me. She can't be serious.

"Of course darling," she laughs lightly. "You've been under so much pressure with your recovery, your family, work, the wedding and then…" she hesitates looking at her hands.

Do I detect a guilty conscience?

Obviously not. If she had a guilty conscience then it would mean she had a heart. If she can sit by and watch my family go through such devastation, devastation caused by her, then she clearly does not have a heart.

I can't believe the problem was under my nose all along.

"Meredith," I finish for her, as I watch her avoid eye contact with me.

"Yes," she nods with a little hesitation. "Since I left yesterday, I've been thinking about this and you don't have to worry because I've been thinking about how we could alleviate your stress."

She looks at me eagerly, desperate to tell me her plan of action.

"You do remember what happened yesterday?" I ask, stunned by her boldness.

"I do. And it is okay darling because I know it was down to stress," she breathes, reaching her hand across to squeeze mine but I quickly pull back. I can see the pain flash across her face but she's quick to continue.

"Anyway, I was thinking that you could cut back on your hours, we could hire a wedding planner and as for…as for Meredith, I think that we should maybe talk about…"

"No!" I interrupt abruptly. I feel sick as I hear Meredith's name come out of her mouth.

"I know you don't want to give up on her sweetheart but I think you have to call off the search," she whispers, giving me a pleading look.

You bitch!

Bite your tongue Derek! This is for Meredith.

"No!" I repeat, feeling myself lose my cool with her. I look around the restaurant and a groan escapes my lips as I see how busy it has become.

Shit!

This is for Meredith!

"Look darling, I know that this feels impossible but giving up the search for Meredith…"

"I'm not just talking about Meredith. I'm talking about everything," I groan loudly. "And will you stop calling me darling? It patronising!" I add, feeling the anger boil from inside me.

"Derek," Rachel whispers in dismay, looking around the restaurant with embarrassment as people turn their heads in our direction.

"We have broken up Rachel," I start aware of how angry I sound.

"No we didn't. We…"

"We did," I insist. How did I get landed with someone this psychotic and clingy? "We have broken up Rachel and that hasn't changed."

"But…but you invited me out to dinner," she stutteres with a hurt and embarrassed expression on her face.

"I think you'll find I asked you out for a drink because we have something to talk about. You were the one who insisted on booking a table and meeting at this restaurant," I retaliate, not giving her an inch.

"What do we have…" Rachel begins but I have to cut her off because I have had enough of this.

"Where is she?" I blurt out to a hurt Rachel.

"Where is who?" she asks, completely taken aback by the question.

"Where is she?" I ask again, emphasising every word.

"Where is who?" she asks continuing to play being oblivious. "Who are you talking about? Meredith? Darling, I…"

"Yes, Meredith!" I shout, feeling as if my body was about to jump out of the chair. "Of course Meredith!"

"Why would…"

"Because you told her I was dead," I seethe, feeling sick as I do.

Rachel looks completely stunned.

"What? How could you think that I could…"

"We found CCTV footage and got a lip reading specialist in to tell us exactly what was said between the two of you," I whisper bitterly as the waitress comes along with a glass of Scotch and a large glass of wine. Rachel has a habit of snapping her order at the first waitress she sees before even removing her jacket and being shown her seat. I notice that the waitress isn't the one who took my order before. I can see her at the other end of the restaurant taking orders. She probably wants to avoid us and I couldn't blame her in the slightest for that.

We keep our mouths shut as she places both drinks out in front of us. Rachel actually appears frightened. I hate to admit it but it is slightly satisfying. I need her to tell me everything she knows. The question is whether or not I'll believe everything she tells me.

"Are you two ready to make your order?" the waitress asks politely, smiling as she tilts her head at both of us.

"Yes, we are," Rachel smiles sweetly. "I'll have the soup to start and the Chicken Caesar salad for my main. I would like the salad dressing on the side, not pored over. I would like for there to be enough chicken in the dish to be able to say I had a chicken Caesar salad. Last time I only had a couple of pieces of chicken and I could have sworn they had been cooked the day before. And Derek will have…"

"Another Scotch," I finish, as I gulp back the one that was put in front of me only a minute ago.

"Don't you want something to eat?" Rachel asks me, flabbergasted.

Have a meal with her? She has to be joking.

"No," I murmur, glaring at her. "I want another Scotch."

"Maybe you should slow down," she warns, indicating towards my empty glass, as I refuse to stop myself from staring her down.

"I'll give you two a few moments," the waitress whispers sheepishly, stepping away from our table.

"No, no," I insist, not taking my eyes off a confused Rachel. "She's given you her order and all I want is a very large Scotch."

"If you're sure," she whispers hesitantly. I feel for her having to serve our table but what can I do?

"Oh, I'm sure," I murmur, as I sense her walk away. "Now, where were we?"

"I…Derek, I honestly have no idea what you are talking about," she whispers defensively. "What has gotten into you?"

"Really?" I question, trying to control my temper in order to play her at her own game.

"Really," she insists. "Oh Derek, you must be exhausted and this expert you got in must know what you're going through and decided to scam you for money."

"You printed a fake death certificate!" I scream, as everyone in the restaurant turns around to stare at us but I could not care less because the one person I care about is not here and I need her. I need her here.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I start, standing up, instantly having everyone's attention.

Derek, what are you doing?

"Derek, what are you doing?" Rachel whispers, instantly going red. I'm wondering that too.

"Sit down," she insists in a warning tone. I look her in the eye and I know exactly why I am doing this.

This is for you Meredith.

"You see this woman sitting right here," I start, looking around my audience as I point towards Rachel. "She is a woman I convinced myself I loved. To be honest, I think I did at one point but then it is hard to maintain when the person you think you love is a manipulative shrew! You see ladies and gentlemen, this woman could not cope with the fact I have a female best friend…"

"Derek…" Rachel attempts to interrupt but there is no way I am allowing her.

"…My best friend has helped me through so many hard times. She's always been there and when it came to the one time she needed me…when she needed me," I breathe, feeling myself begin to panic until I see two familiar faces sitting at the bar. Mark is giving me a huge smirk, indicating with his head for me to continue and Amy is staring at me in a state of shock. Just like the rest of the restaurant.

"Because you see, this woman convinced me to walk away as it was what was best for her. When I finally come to my senses and stop being an idiot, my best friend and I end up in a huge car accident where I suffer spinal trauma and end up in a wheelchair. I should point out that the accident was caused by a drunk driver. Meredith suffered serious injuries too. That's my best friend," I smile, saying her name as I see Rachel cringe with tears rolling down her face. "She had major surgery and not even a couple of hours out of surgery, she is told by my so called loving girlfriend that I'm dead," I speak slowly to add full emphasis.

"Derek, please," Rachel pleads.

Why aren't any of the waiters or waitresses stopping me? Why hasn't the manager stopped me?

"She even printed a fake death certificate and told her she wasn't welcomed at my fake funeral as the family that had brought Meredith in and considered her as one of them blamed her for killing me! This resulted in my best friend going missing and me waking up to be told that I was paralysed and that my best friend had left without a word of warning. This woman who I proposed to sat back and watched my family go through agony and turmoil. Agony which she caused! She even told my mother that she would lock her up in a mental institution if she continued to search for Meredith!"

There's a collective gasp from the restaurant and I can feel my anger alleviate slightly.

"You see ladies and gentleman, I met this woman tonight in the hope that she could at least be honest with me and tell me where Meredith is but my best friend always told me that you can never reason with the unreasonable. She may know, she may not but the only thing I know is that I will never believe a word that comes out of her mouth again!" I shout, directly facing Rachel's tear stained face. I lift the jug of ice cold water on the table and pour it over Rachel's head.

"Ahh!" she screams as I smile and turn to the rest of the restaurant.

"I apologise for the disruption ladies and gentlemen. I hope your evening hasn't been completely ruined," I smile sadly before keeping my head down and walking straight towards the restaurant door.

I feel Amy and Mark at my side as I reach the door. Amy slings her arm in mine while Mark pats me on the back.

"That was awesome mate," Mark whispers and I know he is smiling with pride. We make it outside and the cold air instantly hits us. Meredith always loved the cold air of Seattle. I wonder if where she is, is just as cold.

"It felt pretty good," I smile, hating to admit it.

"Meredith would be so proud of you," Amelia whispers sounding genuine as she gives my arm an encouraging squeeze.

"Thank you," I smile.

"Dr Shepherd!" I hear someone call from behind us. I turn to see the waitress who first served me, running towards me with my coat in hand. "You forgot this!"

"Thank you," I smile at her. "I am so sorry about in there but…"

"Don't apologise," she insists with a smile. "By the sounds of things, she had that coming."

"She did," Amy and Mark chime in brightly.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask the waitress in the hope she will answer me.

"Sure," she shrugs, as she tucks her hair behind her ear.

"Why didn't any member of staff stop me in there?" I ask.

"Are you kidding?" she laughs loudly. "That woman has treated us all lower than the dirt on her Jimmy Choo's for years. We've been waiting for her to show a small sign of humanity or even better, an ounce of humiliation and you certainly delivered on that front!"

"Well, that's true," I whisper cringing.

"I'm sorry about your friend," she whispers sincerely.

"Thank you," I nod. "Uh…sorry, can I ask your name?"

I can see Mark, Amelia and the waitress cringe. It isn't until I see the name tag, do I realise why.

Meredith.

"Ah," I laugh. "Well, thank you for everything Meredith."

"I hope you find your Meredith," she smiles. "Have a nice night," she nods before heading inside as the three of us chorus a goodbye.

"Right," Mark whispers, rubbing his hands together to heat up. "Joe's?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Amy laughs as I allow them to both guide me towards the car.

"I'm already drunk," I murmur into the cold night air.

"After that performance big brother, you deserve another drink," Amy laughs, sounding proud.

"That was for Meredith," I chuckle.

"That was for Meredith," Mark and Amelia chorus.


	14. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Cristina's Point of View**

Ironically, all I can think about is a bottle of Tequila? This is all Meredith's fault. A major problem comes along and I end up wanting a bottle of Tequila. It makes me sick to say that it's moments with Tequila that I miss most about her. I miss the days where she would have some Meredith Melodrama – most of them, if not all, involving McDreamy – where we would go to Joe's, drown ourselves in shots and she would ramble on about her problems.

The rambling had to be Meredith's most annoying trait and yet it is one of the things I miss most about her. I'd love to hear her rambling on at me – even if it was about Derek bloody Shepherd. It always amazed me, how many hours she could ramble on about that man yet it took her forever to realise she was in love with him.

I can't believe how much I used to hate the idea of the two of them getting together. I would give anything for them to be together now because she would be here with all of us, instead of…

"Cristina!" Izzie shouts, causing me to look up from my charts. Why the hell does she looks so flustered?

"Why are your cheeks red?" I ask, unable to stop myself sounding pissed off. She's disturbing me. Why doesn't anyone respect a person's right to space in this hospital anymore?

"Because I've been looking for you," she whispers, sitting next to me, clearly ignoring the pissed off looks I am giving her. "And I need to talk to you about an idea that Alex, George and I came up with."

Of course, they've thought of a stupid idea that will offer everyone a drop of hope that Meredith may come back and when it fails, everyone's hopes come crashing down again.

"No," I respond instantly.

"Why not?" She asks, looking at me like I'm crazy.

Seriously?

"Seriously?" Oops. I wasn't meant to say that out loud. "If you have an idea then I suggest you take it up with Derek," I snap, feeling myself losing my cool with her. This is why you have to respect other people's need for space. That is why I love the OR. It's filled with bloody victims who need my help and there is no time for personal talk with colleagues or friends. It is bliss.

"George has tried but his phone goes straight to voicemail and there is no answer on his home phone so you are the next best option," she smiles enthusiastically.

"Great," I groan loudly.

"Cristina," she sighs, sadly, giving me a sympathetic look.

Great, that is all I need. Pity.

"Why don't you…" I start to suggest.

"Cristina, I know this is hard," Izzie starts, reaching over and giving my arm a sympathetic squeeze. "But you can't give up hope. Meredith needs us now more than ever."

A scoff escapes my lips. Who the hell does she think she is?

"You've spent the past year hating Meredith!" I retaliate, unable to hold back despite the shocked, hurt look that quickly comes over Izzie's face. "You groaned every time you heard her name! You never once thought about the possibility that she left because things got too much and now, you want to behave like one of her close friends and actually do something! Where were these so called brilliant ideas a year ago Izzie?" I screech as I watch her stare at me through the river full of tears pouring out of her eyes.

I am not falling for those! No way!

"You didn't even care if she was alive or dead a year ago!" I snap, losing control.

"That's not true," she defends herself but it comes out sounding more like a plea.

"You," I continue, pointing at her, feeling venom coming out of me. "You are a…"

"Cristina," I hear a whisper beside my ear, as a hand gently places itself on my shoulder. I don't have to turn around to know who it is. I could recognise his voice, his touch, his smell anywhere, anytime.

"You're not being fair," he whispers to me.

Seriously?

"Which part of this is fair Owen?" I ask, turning to face him. He stares back at me with worry and concern etched over his facial features. "Name any part of this that is fair?" I ask, staring him down. I speak more slowly to be sure he understands the point I am trying to make.

I quickly turn, ignoring a sobbing Izzie by my side, grabbing the charts I was focusing on and without a second glance at Izzie or the man behind me; I walk out the door at the opposite end of the room. I can hear Owen comforting Izzie as I leave the room. He's doing his husbandly duties by defending me, making excuses for me but I don't think any of that will make a difference to Izzie right now.

Urgh!

Why did I have to go do that? Izzie didn't exactly deserve that. Granted, her, Alex and George very rarely mentioned Meredith unless they were in a bitching or pissed off mood. I am barely around to witness them anymore. Meredith helped me sit and listen to them so it feels as if there is no point now because she isn't here to help. She isn't here to listen. She isn't here to ramble. She isn't here.

Everybody was surprised by the news Derek delivered this morning. I'm not. If Meredith wasn't moaning about Derek Shepherd then she was moaning about Rachel. She confided a lot in Carolyn but she started to hold back from her because Meredith knew there would come the day that Derek would propose, they would get married and Rachel would be Carolyn's daughter-in-law which would mean Rachel had more significance in the Shepherd family than Meredith. She stopped bad mouthing Rachel to Carolyn and started defending the bitch to her because she knew it was important to Derek that they all got along.

In turn, Meredith felt a distance between her and Carolyn because she was holding out on her. She never told her about the blackmail. She never told her about the incredibly nasty snide, bitchy comments that Rachel threw her way. If I had my way, Rachel would have felt the force of my fist many, many months ago but Meredith never allowed it and apparently it was my job as her best friend to respect her wishes. Why can't I help myself from thinking that if I hadn't respected her wishes she would still be here with me now?

What's that sound?

Is that sobbing?

Strangely enough, it sounds like it is coming from the closet.

NO! NO! NO! NO Cristina, keep walking! Keep walking!

Damn it!

_"Check who it is Cristina," _I hear Meredith whisper._ "Check who it is, Cristina," _she whispers to me._ "Go on,"_my best friend urges.

Damn you, Meredith Grey!

Urgh, here goes.

"Who's in there?" I call abruptly, staring at the door as if it's about to talk back.

No answer!

_"Try again,"_ Meredith whispers in my ear.

Oh for pity sake!

"Either you come out here or I'm coming in!" I call through the door as I see nurses walking past, sniggering to one another as they watch me talk to a closed door.

"Cristina?" I hear a voice mumble through the closed closet door.

Shit!

"Carolyn?" I ask in a murmur. This is not what I need to be dealing with right now – an overly emotional mother.

"Come in," she whispers and I can sense that she is choking back a sob in order to get those two little words out.

Deep breaths Cristina! It's only Shepherd's mother.

"_She doesn't bite Cris__tina!"_ Meredith giggles.

I slowly open the door to find Carolyn Shepherd sitting on a low stool between the stock units with a tissue crumbled in one hand, a picture clutched in the other while her face is brighter than ever thanks to the river she has probably just cried.

_"Say something,"_ Meredith encourages.

"I'm sorry," I mumble with uncertainty.

_"And people used to say that I was awkward,"_ Meredith scoffs.

"What are you sorry for?" She asks me, looking at me as if I'm bonkers before her features soften dramatically. "Are you okay Cristina?" she asks me, sounding unsure.

"I'm fine," I mumble as I sit on the floor beside her stool.

"Cristina," she whispers in a warning tone. "I consider Meredith as my daughter and I never once fell for the 'I'm fine' line because it was always meant she was so far from fine."

_"She's right,"_ Meredith murmurs.

"I'm not Meredith though," I defend myself lightly, trying to get into a position comfortable enough on the cold, hard floor.

"No you're not" she whispers, smiling down at me. "But you've clearly picked up her bad habits."

Against all odds, I feel a giggle escape my lips.

"Hmm," I sigh, contently. "I've picked up the Tequila habit too."

_"Nothing wrong with that,"_ Meredith grumbles.

"Not a bad habit to have as long as it is in moderation," Carolyn smiles sadly. "What about the rambling habit?"

"Are you joking?" I ask, laughing. "Derek may consider that as one of her adorable traits but I don't…never have," I scoff before I want to curl up in the corner for being so insensitive.

However, Carolyn doesn't look hurt. She's just looking at me.

"Yet, you miss it," she states knowingly. "Am I right?"

How did she know?

"_Yeah, I hate it when she does that too,"_ Meredith murmurs softly in my ear.

"Yeah, I do," I sigh, staring at the many boxes of pregnancy tests that are in my line of vision right now. "Do you?"

"I do," Carolyn answers instantly, staring off into the distance.

Minutes pass where we enjoy the peace and quiet. This is what I need. My own space to clear my head and think without Meredith rambling on at me.

_"I do not ramble at you,"_ I hear her mumble like a petulant child.

"She used to love hiding out in the closet whenever she was avoiding something or someone," I state.

"_Liar, that was you,"_ she giggles.

I turn when I get no response to see fresh tears roll down Carolyn's cheeks while she has a look of dismay on her face as she stares off into the distance.

"Carolyn?" I question.

"Cristina," she murmurs, choking on a sob. "I need to ask you something," she whispers in a plea.

"Okay," I nod suddenly feeling a sense of dread overcome me as I have no idea where she is heading with this.

"And I need you to answer me honestly," she continues, trying her best to control the tears as well as her breathing.

"Just ask me Carolyn," I whisper, unsure of what else to say.

"Meredith was depressed before the accident," she starts.

_"I was not!"_ I hear Meredith defend herself. _"I was just taking some space,"_ she explains pointedly.

"She was," I agree.

"She wasn't thinking clearly before the accident and then after the accident she was in really bad shape. Then the really awful thing that Rachel told her must have made her feel even worse and…"

"Carolyn," I interrupt, knowing exactly where she was going with this. "Just ask me."

Carolyn takes a breath before turning to look me square in the eye with a sense of determination. She knows what she has to ask and she knows I am more than likely to give her an honest answer.

Do I answer honestly?

"Yes," my best friend answers immediately.

"She was just so low Cristina. She clearly believed the lie. So…so, I can't help but wonder, in that frame of mind, do you think…do you think she's done…"

I rub circles over Carolyn's back as she gasps into her tissues, allowing more tears to fall.

"Are you trying to ask me if I think Mer…if I think Mer has killed herself?" I gasp out, finding myself choking on the lump in my throat.

"Yes," she nods, giving me a pleading look.

What do I do?

_"Answer her,"_ Meredith encourages. _"It's alright Cristina. Just answer her."_

"Yes," I breathe sadly, taking the picture of Meredith and Derek out of her hand in order to hold her hand in mine. "Yes I do."

"Me too," she sobs, looking at me distraught.

"Over my dead body," I hear someone snap.

Oh shit!

I look at Carolyn with dismay as we both turn towards the doorway to see Derek standing with a look of sheer pain and anger.

Uh-Oh.

_"You're in trouble now,"_ she murmurs.

Thank you for pointing out the obvious Meredith Grey. Thank you very much.

**Please, please, please comment and let me know what you think.**

**Next update will take place**** two months into the future!**


	15. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Hey everyone, I hope you enjoy this update as it is a very important one! Thank you to all those who took the time to comment on my last update. Enjoy…..**

**Derek's Point of View**

Pick up the phone Derek and call her.

Just pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone.

I don't need people to tell me I am an ass because I already know it. They never say it. They always succeed in restraining themselves but I know they're thinking it. I can tell by the look in their eyes. I wouldn't exactly be grateful if they did tell me either. Let's face it, who's grateful for people pointing out what you already know?

I haven't spoken to my mother in two months which undoubtedly makes me a horrible person. Basically it makes me a bigger ass than I already was. It's horrible to say but I felt relief when she left. It's incredibly painful to admit but the truth hurts. Mom was the one person who I depended on getting where I was coming from. I thought we were in the same corner, fighting the same battle and it turns out, we weren't.

Sometimes, I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I told her it may be best for her to leave if she really thought Meredith was dead. I felt betrayed at the time, where as now, I can't make sense of how I feel which is what I hate most.

I know I miss her. I miss her so much and I would love nothing more than to pick up the phone and call her but I can't bring myself to; thanks to my stupid, idiotic pride. Mark constantly tells me how much pain she is in which always makes me feel a million times worse – as it should, but I still can't bring myself to call her. I don't need any shrink to tell me why though. My pride will get hurt because it would mean admitting how guilty I feel for the pain she is in. Pain she does not deserve.

I was just so angry though. I honestly felt it was me and her against the family, in Meredith's honour. As it turns out, it was me against all of them. How wrong is that? All I wanted in that moment was the person I couldn't have. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I was sick to my stomach with that feeling and I have been ever since. The only thing I am hoping for right now is that Meredith doesn't feel that way. I can accept that I may never see her again but I can't accept her feeling all alone in this world. I can't.

"You ready to go?" Mark asks, as he walks through my office doorway.

"Ever heard of knocking," I mock him lightly.

"Where's your luggage?" Mark asks, ignoring my snippy comment.

"In the car," I answer. "What's put you in a mood?"

"Just lost a patient," he whispers, looking at the floor. "And I now have to put up with you in such a crammed space."

"We're flying first class," I retort. "How do you consider that crammed?"

"Look, we had better go," Mark smiles. "Amelia text to say that she'll be at LAX waiting on us when we land," he adds, shifting the bag on his shoulder.

"Great," I groan, unable to stop myself.

"Still not looking forward to this?" Mark asks laughing. He's asked me the same question for the past week and has laughed every time he has asked.

"Would you be looking forward to this if you were in my position? Coming face to face with your ex-wife since the divorce, watch her shack up with someone who was once a close friend, in order to help Amy with a consult?" I ask, incuriously.

"No," he laughs. "I am sure it'll be fine though. There's no avoiding it will be awkward at first but you've both moved on. She's got Sam now and according to Amelia she is incredibly happy."

"Good for her," I murmur, aware of how bitter I must sound.

"Look man, this isn't going to be easy for me either," Mark insists. "I haven't seen Addison since I got the call from Meredith to get my ass out hear and repair the damage that I had broken."

"Well, she was always impossible to say no to," I smile.

"Who? Addison or Meredith?" Mark asks lightly, but I glare at him. Who the hell did he think I was talking about? "Joke," he smiles, holding his hands up in a sign of defence.

"Not funny," I murmur. "Are you worried about facing her?"

"No," he answers immediately, which tells me he is telling the truth. "Are you?"

"No," I answer, slightly unsure but hoping he doesn't sense that. "I wish I didn't have to though."

"Me too," Mark nods sadly.

"At least we get to spend a few days in sunny LA," Mark smiles, trying to make me feel a little optimistic. "And we get to spend some time with Amelia."

"Mark, we're not going to have any time to sit out in the sun because we'll be working," I explain.

"Dude, your killing me here," Mark mutters.

"Get the pictures of the tanned blondes in bikini's out of your head Mark because the only two places we'll be going are the hospital and Naomi's place," I laugh.

"Not funny. You've just killed my buzz," he mutters. "We better go," he confirms, looking at his watch.

"Okay," I nod, getting up from my office chair and following Mark out. "Oh, and Mark?"

"Yeah?" he breathes, turning to face me as I lock my office door.

"I'm sorry about your patient," I murmur.

"Thanks," he nods sadly. "Derek, this…this won't be easy," he starts hesitantly. "But I want you to know that I have your back. I always will."

"Thanks," I nod with appreciation, not sure of what else to say. "I have yours too."

"Thanks," he smiles, as we walk out of Seattle Grace together, get in the car and make our way to the airport.

How things have changed? Mark and I still talk but there's a growing tension between us that neither of us want to acknowledge. I know what it is. He blames me for mom leaving. I can't blame him for that. Cristina now avoids me and I let her. Normally I wouldn't but I feel I have to now. Izzie, George and Alex are always conducting plans to find Meredith. Izzie will spend one moment being overly optimistic and then the next in floods of tears. The fact her and Cristina aren't talking won't be helping matters. Richard and Adele have separated as Richard was drinking again and ended up in rehab. Thankfully, he is back now. However, he's not the man he was since he found out what Meredith was told. The only thing that appears to be the same from two months ago – I am no closer to finding Meredith.

* * *

I've only been in LA for thirty minutes and I already hate it. Mark, of course, loves it because he was hit on by at least fifteen women from the moment we left the plane to the moment we got in the car. Meredith always found it entertaining, watching Mark play the perfect man whore. She always said that if there was an award for best man whore, Mark would win hands down.

Anyway, I already hate LA. Meredith hated LA and she summed up why perfectly. Although I always thought she was crazy until now. She compared LA to Seattle saying Seattle was personal and LA was impersonal. In Seattle, it rains for three quarters of the year, it snows at least twice every winter and instead of everyone hurrying from one place to the next, people acknowledge each other on the streets whether they know them or not. It always amazed Meredith that people would always nod, smile and say hello when they didn't even know her but in LA, everyone is constantly in a rush to get to the next place without even appreciating the amazing atmosphere around them.

It's the one point of view of Meredith's I found corny but now I can understand what she meant. The only people who want to stop and chat are the people interested in hitting on you hence the reason Mark is now in love with LA.

"Derek?" My sister questions me from the driver's seat. "Are you okay back there?"

"Of course he is. He's enjoying the view," he jokes. "All the smoking hot woman in bikinis," he smiles. I can literally see the drool come out his mouth, through the side mirror.

"I'm not you," I scoff.

"I think someone is bitter because they never got to ride shotgun," Mark laughs and Amy is quick to join in before she glances at my serious face through the mirror.

"Are you okay Derek?" Amy ask me and I can hear the worry in her voice.

"I'm fine," I mutter, staring out the window. "But now that we've got the pleasantries out the way, I want to know why the hell I'm here," I demand.

"Derek!" Mark admonishes. "You, seriously need to lighten up. Your sister invited us out here. Let's just enjoy the time away from Seattle."

"Is that why I am here Amy? A pity invite to stay with…"

"Enough!" Amy shouts, as she continues to drive us through the streets of LA. "You don't think I'm slightly insulted you're here Derek? I mean it is great to see you but the patient has a simple tumor. The parameters are clear to go ahead with a craniotomy but Addison insisted on the best for this case and you're the best!"

"So this request has come from Addison?" I ask, perplexed. "Why?"

"Because the patient is a nurse from the practice," Amelia explains softly. "She is an amazing woman who hasn't taken a sick day in the past four years, even when she has needed it. She works all the overtime on offer as she is a single mom of three. She is amazing to everyone and listens to everyone else's moans and groans, even though her problems are far superior to most of ours. She deserves the best Derek," Amelia states again. "And unfortunately that is you," she adds, taking a quick glance back to smile at me.

"Charming," I smile.

"Isn't she just?" Mark jokes. "Anyway Derek, look on the bright side."

"What bright side?" I mock, making Amy laugh loudly, as Mark and I watch her take the cut off towards the hospital.

"We get to act like protective big brothers and suss out Amy's new boyfriend's intentions with her," Mark laughs, making me chuckle.

That certainly shut Amy up.

"There will be no annoying him. You will not behave like my two idiot big brothers. You will behave like two adults," Amy warns us sternly which according to the girl code, means she really likes him. Surely not though. Amy is more the love him and leave him type. She couldn't be falling for a guy, could she?

"That will be impossible," Mark laughs. "Besides, it's in our job descriptions as big brothers to protect you."

"Yeah," I sigh. "We're just looking out for you Amy," I murmur sincerely. She's my little sister and if she really is falling for this guy then I want to know all about him. I wonder if mom knows.

Mom.

I really should call her. I know I should. Why do I have to be so bloody stubborn?

"Derek?" Mark questions, turning in his seat to look at me.

"Yeah?" I question, looking out the window to watch the busy streets of LA. Mind you, it isn't as half as busy as the streets of New York.

"Amy was asking about us stopping for coffee in the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital," Mark explains and I can catch a glimpse of his curious expression.

"Sounds good to me," I nod, as Amy parks the car.

Ah, we're already at the flipping coffee shop. Amy has a habit of asking if we want to do something but what she really means is we are doing it.

"We're here," she smiles at us. "This place sells the best banana nut muffins in town. You'll love them Derek," Amy whispers sounding over eager. We step out of the car and manage to make it across the busy street safely before deciding what we want.

"Derek, why don't you find us a nice seat outside while Mark and I make the order?" Amy asks sweetly.

"You two are as subtle as a brick," I laugh mockingly before walking away. They both want to talk about me. I know it. They know it.

"What?" Amy asks, giving me that innocent look that she is brilliant at doing.

"Nothing," I scoff lightly as I walk away, hearing Mark chuckle as I walk. Walking outside, I find us a table in the shade as there is no way I am getting burnt on my first day here. Richard insisted that we spent a few days here even though he knew that the patient's surgery could be done within the hour.

This is one thing I love to do when sitting in a café – people watch! Meredith and I would watch people and make up stories to go with them.

Man, clearly on a rush to make it back to the office.

Tall blonde woman in a rush to make her next pedicure appointment.

Man looking rather flustered after just spending his lunch hour with his mistress.

Skinny blonde out a jog to de-stress…Oh my God!

Meredith!

Meredith!

Before, I know it one foot is making its way in front of the other like a speed of light. Running. Running. Run faster. It's her. It has to be her.

"Meredith!" I call, running as fast as I possibly can.

Run faster Derek!

"Derek!" I hear Amelia and Mark shout.

Run faster Derek!

"Meredith!" I call again. "Meredith!" I feel myself scream to catch up with her.

She's right there. She's right there.

"Meredith!" I scream from behind her as I grab her shoulder. She turns to stare…Oh no.

"Uh," I gasp for breath. "I'm…I'm…I'm sorry," I whisper, gasping for air.

"Are you okay?" The woman asks with concern, staring at me with surprise.

"I'm…I'm so sorry," I cry unable to stop myself.

"Derek," I hear a familiar voice from behind me.

"I'm sorry," Mark whispers to the stranger in front of us as he squeezes my shoulder. We watch as the girl jogs off and I suddenly realise that people are beginning to stare as the tears roll down my cheeks but I no longer care.

She's gone. My Meredith is gone.

"Derek…" Mark trails off.

"I thought it was her Mark," I cry. "I thought it was her!"

"I know," he whispers, holding me up in his arms. "I know."

"She's gone Mark," I whisper sadly. "She's really gone."

"Come on Derek," Mark breathes, helping me lean against him to turn back towards the café. "Let's go."

* * *

**Addison's point of View**

I have been waiting for this moment. I have been waiting for this moment for so long but now it is here I feel my nerves are really getting the better of me. This is what I wanted. I made the excuse to get him here but now he is here I am beginning to question whether I am doing the right thing or not. Am I doing this to help him or am I looking for something to help him with to ease my own guilty conscious?

"Can we have a word?" Sam and Naomi ask as they walk through my office door.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I joke, looking between the two of them, before I hit the log off button on my laptop.

"We knocked," Naomi smiles at me. "Didn't you hear?"

"Off in my own world," I laugh lightly. I know why they are here. I know what they want to talk about.

"What can I do for you both?" I ask them as they sit across from me.

"What were you thinking?" Sam asks me, clearly pissed off. "We've just heard from Charlotte that she is off to meet the great Derek Shepherd as he is here for a consult that you insisted on! We agreed to wait and see Addison! We agreed that setting something like this up would be premature! We can't…" Sam trails off as he tries to control his anger.

"I know," I sigh, feeling like a child getting into trouble for stealing a cookie out the cookie jar. "But I feel…"

"You can't be sure it is her Addison," Naomi admonishes, giving me a worried look.

"I am sure. I am…"

Sam scoffs making my anger rise within me. "Amelia showed me her picture. It is her," I insist. I am not backing down on this. I can't.

"You can't be sure," Sam snaps. "And even if it is her…have you thought about the affect this will have on him? It will destroy him Addison."

"His life is destroyed right now!" I yell. "And as much as it will hurt him to know, it will hurt him more if he goes on the way he has been living."

"Why not tell Amelia?" Naomi suggests.

"Well I've said that since Addison got the idea…" Sam starts but I can't take much more.

"It's her!" I snap, getting up from my chair as I'm getting agitated sitting, watching them as if they're the ones who are a couple. "Derek has to be the first one to know. It can't be Amelia," I insist.

"Why not?" Sam and Naomi ask together.

"Because Derek needs to be needed. He's the one who needs to be the hero. If anyone was going to save her, it would be Derek," I explain.

"Addison," Sam sighs. "It will take a lot of convincing on his part."

"Have you thought about what will happen if it isn't her?" Naomi interjects. "You will have got Derek's hopes up and then dashed them for…"

"It's her!" I insist, getting exasperated. "I'm telling you, it's Meredith and I will bring her to Derek. One way or another!"

**Please, please make my weekend and comment!**


	16. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Thank you to all those who commmented on my last update! I hope you enjoy this one! Please let me know what you think by commenting!

**Addison s Point of View**

Why couldn't they understand where I was coming from? Is it so hard for Naomi and Sam to see? I can't deny that Sam taking Naomi's side on this, instead of mine. He's her ex-husband but he is the love of my life, he is my partner so if anything, he should have taken my side. I am relying on him to help me, not work against me. Besides, can't he see that is a good thing for everyone involved?

I shouldn't be mad at Sam. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. He has wound me up. How could he shout at me in front of his ex-wife? Okay, his ex-wife is my best friend but still! He shouldn't have yelled because it is him I need on my side. I need to know he has my back on this.

Amelia has been broken hearted since she joined the practice months ago. She is a shell of the person she used to be because she misses Meredith as well as worrying about her brother, her mom and her sisters. Apparently none of the Shepherd s have coped with Meredith s disappearance well. After everything Derek has been through, the very least he deserves is the truth. He needs to know. He deserves to know therefore I know I have done the right thing.

"Hey," Sam murmurs as he walks into the kitchen as I continue to pretend to read the paper. "Anything interesting?"

Ignore him Addison. The very least he deserves is to be ignored.

"Ah, it's like that, is it?" Sam asks me as he pours coffee into a mug. "Uh," he breathes, "Addison, we agreed to wait."

"We agreed nothing!" I snap, standing up and slamming my hands on the kitchen island. I'd probably consider the shocked expression on Sam s face rather hot if I wasn't so mad at him. "You and Naomi agreed."

"I thought you understood. If you still had reservations then why didn't you say?" Sam asks calmly. I know he's keeping calm because Amelia is due back at the practice soon. If he honestly thinks I am staying calm on this though then he is sadly mistaken.

"Sam, I was married to Derek. His family have already suffered a great deal! It is up to us to make it stop!" I shout. "Especially when we are sitting on this information."

"How can you be sure it's her?" He asks, looking as if it is taking all his strength not to snap at me.

"How can you be sure it isn't?" I demand. Could he really not see the similarities?

"Addison," Sam sighs, giving me that horrible sympathetic look which is the last thing I need right now. "Are you sure it is Meredith or are you trying to convince yourself its Meredith because you want it to be her?"

Did he really ask me that?

"How can you say that?" I snap. "You really think that I've somehow convinced myself that it is her because…"

Sam reaches over to squeeze my hand but I instinctively pull it away. "Addison, I'm really worried about you here. I think you still haven't let go of the guilt. I think the fact you cheated on Derek eats away at you piece by piece."

"Have you stopped to think about what the Shepherd s have been through?" I ask, desperate to change the subject. Me cheating on Derek with his best friend is an undeniable sore spot for me but that doesn't mean I am imagining things.

"Have you?" he retorts. "Stop and think here Addison. If you are wrong then it means Derek has been put through even more pain than before. This could be something that could tip him over the edge which is why I am saying you have to be sure before you delve in saying that you've found Meredith," Sam explains. "I promise that if you do this, the only thing you will do is get his hopes up only to have them dashed in the space of seconds."

Damn! He's right.

"I just… I…"

"I know," Sam smiles, coming around to stand beside me and pull me in for a hug. "You want to help him and I love you for that. But you wouldn't be doing anyone any harm Addison if you took the time to be sure," he whispers in my ear as I lean into him to seek comfort.

"I'm still mad at you," I pout, as I enjoy the feeling of him rubbing his hand up and down my back.

"For what?" he asks chuckling.

"For being right," I smile as he laughs at me.

Suddenly we here a load groan from the hallway and as quick as we hear it, Amelia comes barging into the kitchen.

"Everything okay?" I ask as she pulls the fridge door open with a great force. "It's not Lisa, is it?" I ask worryingly. Lisa has been through so much and this is the last thing she needs. Her kids have had to be put into care until she has the surgery and she has fully recovered.

"No," Amelia sighs, and I can hear something in her voice. It isn't until she turns around, I realise she has tears in her eyes. "Hey," I breathe. "What's wrong?" I ask as I pull her into my arms.

"Is it Derek?" Sam asks gently.

"He convinced himself that he seen Meredith just outside the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital and went running after her," Amelia cries against my shoulder. "He had a huge breakdown when he realised it wasn't her. He actually had to lean on Mark in order to get back to the coffee shop," she gasps.

"I am so sorry," I whisper, stroking her hair. What else could I say to her?

"It's okay," she sighs, pulling away from me.

"Where s Derek now?" Sam asks, sitting at the island, sipping on his coffee. I catch him watching me closely.

"He's downstairs with Mark, talking to Naomi," she explains, wiping her tears. "He's going to do the surgery tomorrow so I need to get my personal notes on the case out of my office."

"Okay," I nod. "Is there anything we can do?" I ask, desperate to help in some shape or form.

"No," she smiles sadly as she walks to the door swinging her bottle of water. "Thank you though."

"I'm really sorry Amelia," I whisper, hoping she knows it's true. Amelia seems to hesitate at the door as if she wants to say something.

"Amelia?" Sam prods gently, watching her closely.

"He's given up," she smiles sadly. "A year and a half of fighting like hell and he comes here and he has given up like the rest of us," she explains looking between the two of us with great sadness. "I held onto the hope that Derek had but now, that's gone," she whispers, as tears accumulate her eyes again. "We're never going to see her again."

"Amelia," I interject quickly. "I…"

"Addison," Sam interrupts making me instantly turn to see him giving me a warning look. Find the evidence. I have to find out it is true first.

"I'm really sorry," I whisper, looking back to Amelia.

"Me too," she smiles sadly at me. "You're a great friend Addison," she smiles at me before walking out the kitchen.

Shit!

"This is wrong," I whisper to him as soon as she is out of sight. Why did I allow him to stop me from telling her?

"No, it's not," he sighs. "You have to be sure Addison."

"But I am," I plead. Why am I allowing him to dictate to me what to do?

"No, you're not," he sighs. "I think you have convinced yourself you are but you know you're not."

"I am," I start, only to be instantly cut off.

"Are you telling me you don t have one doubt in your mind?" He asks me suspiciously, standing up and putting his mug in the sink.

"Fine," I sigh. "I will wait until it's confirmed but I promise I am right!"

"Right about what?" a voice ask from the kitchen doorway. I turn to see the ex-husband I cheated on years ago, looking between me and Sam with a curious expression.

"Patient," Sam and I murmur together. I turn to look at Sam shocked. What are the odds that we would make the same lie? It must be love.

"Hey," I smile as I turn back to Derek. I quickly walk towards him and pull him in for a hug. The last thing I want him to feel is awkward. "It's great to see you."

"Hey," he murmurs softly. "You too. How are you?" he asks as he pulls back.

"Good," I smile warmly at him. "Enjoying LA so far?"

"Are you kidding? All this sunshine?" He asks, smiling genuinely at me. "No way," he chuckles before moving past me, saying hey to Sam as they get caught in one of those weird brotherly, guy hugs.

"Where's Mark?" Sam asks, as he pulls back from Derek.

"Downstairs hitting on some blonde," he laughs as he stands between Sam and I. He looks good; considering. His hair is longer than I've ever seen it. He kind of reminds me of Russel Crowe; I like it.

"Some things don't change," I murmur softly.

"They definitely don t," he breathes. "Especially when it comes to Mark."

Awkward.

Awkward.

Awkward silence.

"So, Amelia says you met Lisa?" I ask, desperate to keep the conversation going in order to make things less awkward." You're doing the surgery tomorrow?"

"Yeah," he sighs. "She's such a lovely woman. It's really sad that she has to go through this."

"It is," Sam and I agree. "Really sad for her kids too," I add.

"Yeah," Derek nods. "Amy mentioned that social services have had to step in," He breathes. "Anyway, I have to ask you both something."

"Sure," I smile while Sam simply nods at him. What could he possibly want to ask?

"Why am I here?" He asks bluntly, staring between the two of us.

Crap!

"Why are you here?" I ask slowly playing dumb but Sam looks at me as if I'm stupid.

"Derek," Sam sighs. "We're worried about Amelia," he begins and I see Derek ready to ask why but Sam continues before he can even ask. "She has been really upset recently and is constantly worried about you. We thought having her big brother here for a couple of days would help," he explains with a shrug, trying his best to make it out that it isn't a big deal.

"We think she needs you right now," I chime in, "and well Seattle always reminds her of… of…"

"Meredith," Derek finishes for me. It's so weird to hear the way he says her name. I can tell by the look in his eyes, how much he really loves her.

"Exactly, so we thought we'd get you here," I smile awkwardly. I must look like a right idiot right now. "You know, to help her," I finish lamely.

"All she needs is time with her big brother," Sam adds, helping me out. I don t think I've ever been so thankful to have a boyfriend who is a smooth talker.

"Okay," Derek sighs, seeming convinced. "I'll take her out for dinner tonight; just me and her."

"That's a great idea," I exclaim, hoping I don t sound too enthusiastic. Although going by the look on Derek and Sam s face, I guess I just have. "As her friend, I worry about her," I shrug.

Nice save Addison.

"Okay, well I had better go find her," he smiles at the two of us.

"It's really great to see you Derek," Sam murmurs honestly.

"You too," Derek smiles. "And this place," he adds as his eyes finally take in the big kitchen, "is amazing."

"Thanks Derek," I smile at him as Sam and I watch him walk away.

I glare at Sam once I know Derek is gone.

"We find her Sam!" I exclaim loudly. "We find her now!"


	17. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**THANK YOU for all your encouragement after the last update. I hope you are all able to enjoy this one just as much and I beg you ALL to comment because this is the update that will shock you all.**

**Derek's Point of View**

I still feel unusually weird. I felt it when I woke up this morning but the feeling hasn't disappeared yet, which I thought it would. The feeling didn't stop me eating breakfast with Mark, Amy, Naomi, Sam and Addison though. It didn't stop me from operating on Lisa an hour later and it didn't stop me celebrating with Amy afterwards by taking her for some double cream vanilla ice cream with sprinkles; which was strangely delicious.

I finally got to meet her boyfriend Sheldon last night when Mark and I took them to dinner. I hate to admit it but I like the guy. He isn't Amy's usual type but I like that. Mark isn't so sure of him – especially when it comes to his profession. However, we should be used to the shrink talk with Kathleen in the family. Although Mark seems to think that one shrink in the family is enough. Right now though, all I care about is that he makes Amy happy. He can make her smile and even though I can still catch a glance of sadness in her eyes, it means that he is able to make her smile through hard times. How could he not be good for my little sister right now?

Addison and Sam told me this morning that they are a great couple together. However, I was more surprised watching them as a couple. I can honestly say they are great together. I expected to feel weird about that but I don't because they oddly fit together. I approached the subject with great caution last night when I had a chance to speak with Naomi on her own and I asked her how she was dealing with it. She told me that some days were harder than others. She can't deny that it hasn't put a big strain on her friendship with Addison but they're working through it.

It has been nice, getting away from Seattle, catching up with Amy, Sam and Naomi. I would even go as far as saying that it has been nice catching up with my ex-wife. Although, I should probably refer to her as Sam's girlfriend now. Maybe that's why I am feeling weird today but then if I felt weird about that then surely I would fee weird around them?

What I did feel weird about was watching Naomi and Sam as grandparents to a beautiful Olivia. Watching Mia as a mom, at sixteen, was strange to me. Not for any other reason than the fact the last time I seen her, I was laughing at Sam trying to pleat her hair for school. It was such a long time ago now. Hard to believe how far we've all come. Or should I say how far they've all come? When I sat back and watched them all, they all have something going on in their lives. Amy has Sheldon, Sam has Addison and Naomi has boyfriend drama as well as dealing with her ex-husband hooking up with her best friend, on top of dealing with becoming a grandmother. Mark and I were sitting in the corner like two loners. That part felt awful.

I can't deny that I haven't thought about Meredith today. I have. Although thinking about her feels different somehow. Yesterday was horrible because I was convinced that jogger was her. Somehow, it not being her though, as horrible as it was, made me face up to the fact I will probably never find her. I thought I'd know in my heart if Meredith was dead. Maybe I just convinced myself of that. However, watching everyone yesterday and today made me realise that I can't put my life on hold any longer. I need to keep living and maybe, just maybe, if she is still alive, she'll find my mom or one of my sisters and they will be able to tell her the truth. Then I will be able to pull her into my arms and tell her all will be okay.

I have to find a way to deal with the possibility that it may never happen though. It still feels impossible not to look to the future and not see her in it. Maybe I should do what addicts do- take it one day at a time. After all, I suppose it could be interpreted that I became obsessed with Meredith like alcoholics become obsessed with alcohol.

"I still don't get what you're doing with him Amelia," I hear Mark groan from the back seat.

"He makes her happy Mark," I sigh as I glance at Amy's face. Oh yeah, Mark's pushed her button's.

"Thank you Derek," She smiles, before the pissed off expression comes back over her face. "What the hell is wrong with him Mark?"

"He's…"

"Tread carefully Mark," I warn lightly. "Tread carefully," I repeat. Amy will eat him alive if he says anything more to piss her off.

"He's not what you usually go for," Mark shrugged. "And there's something about him that I can't quite put my finger on…Oh wait a minute, I get it," he suddenly laughs. "He's gay!"

"Mark," I groan loudly, knowing where this is going. Mark has being going on about Sheldon all morning but despite Naomi, Addison's and Sam's assurances, he still thinks he's not good enough for Amy.

"Mark!" Amy admonishes with shock. "You are unbelievable," she mutters. "You know I shouldn't be surprised that you're behaving like this! You'll have to excuse me if I don't take relationship advice from a man whore though," she giggles lightly.

One thing you learn in our family, very quickly, is that you cannot take Mark seriously in the slightest.

"Maybe Mark fancies him," I joke causing Amy to laugh hysterically.

"Hey!" Mark shouts from the back. "That was uncalled for," he huffs, leaning back against the back seat with a pouty expression. I swear he is worse than a five year old at times.

"I did catch a lot of secret glances being sent Sheldon's way at dinner last night," Amelia giggles making me laugh. Winding Mark up can be so much fun, especially when he stupidly takes the bait.

"They were looks of boredom," Mark snorts. "That man has the power to put anyone to sleep. I'm guessing he's convinced himself he is awesome at hypnotherapy."

"He is very good at it," Amelia whispers defensively. I can tell by the way her brow is creasing that Mark has got to her which only means she really has fallen for Sheldon.

"Amelia, the patients will be pretending to sleep just in order to drown him out," Mark laughs.

"Enough Mark," I warn before Amelia retaliates.

"I'm just saying," he murmurs.

"Yeah, well don't," she whispers defensively as she parks the car in the practice's car park. "The moment I want your relationship advice, I'll ask for it."

"Fine," Mark murmurs huffily as we all get out of the car, to see the sun shining brightly in our eyes.

"I need to get a decent pair of sunglasses," I murmur.

"You don't have any?" Amy asks me slightly shocked, as I walk around to her side.

"Never need any in Seattle," Mark laughs. "It's hail, rain, snow, more hail, more rain, more snow."

"That's true," I laugh. "You need clothes for summer all year round in LA and you need to dress for winter all year round in Seattle."

"I don't understand how you can put up with so much rain," Amy laughs as we walk into the busy lobby of the practice.

"You get…" I start.

"Amelia!" Pete calls loudly. We met him and his wife Violet yesterday afternoon when Naomi gave us the tour of the practice. He seems like a decent guy. The paediatric doctor was a nice guy too, a little odd but he seems good with his patients. Naomi did warn us that he was weird before we went in though.

"What's up?" Amelia smiles as he runs towards us.

"We just had an emergent call from the Homeless Shelter we donate time too. I know you haven't been before but I really need you to go now," Pete asserts as soon as he has reached the three of us.

"Can't…" Amy starts.

"I would but I've got a consult," he explains. "It's a patient of Sam's but he's in surgery. Addison is on her way but she won't get there for another thirty minutes and by then it could be too late. She said I wasn't to ask you. She was really insistent on it but there is no one else that can do it."

"Why would she not want me to go?" Amy asks, confused.

"Probably because she knows how important it is that you spend time with Mark and Derek," Pete explains, turning to the two of us. "But there's no reason they can't go with you, if they want to."

"That's fine," I smile assuringly at him. "What's wrong with the patient?"

"Remember that the name your given won't be his birth name. They rarely ever give their birth name. I was told over the phone that it is a tension Pneumothorax. I'm assuming there is a first aider on the scene," he explains quickly.

"So you didn't diagnose it?" I ask lightly.

"No," he shakes his head. "They did. But going what they told me, I suspect they are right and you'll have to check out his friend because apparently she has taken ill too."

"Okay," Amy nods. "We'll let you know what happens. Let's go you two," she smiles at us.

"Thanks guys," Pete smiles as he runs through the busy lobby to get on with his consult.

* * *

As we run inside with the medical bags that Amy keeps in the back of her car, we find an attendant waiting for us.

"What happened?" Amy demands as we fall into stride with her.

"He had a collapsed lung that's been treated. He was struggling to breathe so he had to be intubated…"

"Intubated?" the three of us ask together, unsure whether we heard right.

"Look, he came in with his friend about an hour ago and they both looked worse than ever. He collapsed and the female he was with, checked him over, she said something about him having a collapsed lung. She said she needed a needle to allow the air out. She then got one of the attendants to run next door to the medical supply team. You know the company who make different equipment for treating…"

"We know it," Amelia interjects impatiently.

"Anyway, she got him intubated and one of the attendants is bagging him now if you want to check him over," he explains hurriedly.

"Show us the way," Mark urges at the attendant, before the three of us share a confused look.

"Was his friend a doctor?" I ask, trying to work out how else someone would know what to do in these circumstances.

"I have no idea," he shrugged, as he led us through double doors to a big canteen style dining area where our patient was lying in the middle of the floor, between two tables, with a tube down his throat helping him breathe with another attendant bagging him.

There are twelve homeless people in the room, spectating as the female attendant continues to squeeze the bag to help the patient breathe.

"Okay," Amy breathes slowly in shock.

"What the hell?" Mark breathes, flabbergasted by it all. I have never seen this before.

"How did the attendant convince the company to give you the supplies?" I ask as I watch Amelia and Mark check him out.

"Equal breath sounds on both sounds," I hear Amy murmur.

"I told them it was a matter of life and death," the attendant who was bagging him explained to me.

"How do you know to bag him every three seconds?" I ask her, watching what I see nurses do every day.

"Pupils, equal and reactive," Mark murmurs. "Seriously? What the hell?" I hear him ask in a whisper as Amy and I share a look.

"She told me too," the female attendant shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"Where is she?" I ask.

"She is in the ladies bathroom," the guy murmurs. "It's just through those double doors," he explains, pointing to the doors on the right of us.

"Derek," Amelia interrupts with a small smile on her lips as well as a look of adoration. "She saved his life."

"I'll be damned," Mark murmurs.

"I honestly don't know how she did it," the attendant whispers, seeming as shocked as us. "She's sick too and she has been so weak the past few weeks. She has grown weaker, more fragile."

"What's her name?" I ask the attendant as he looks at me oddly. "I'll need to go check her over. Make sure she is okay," I urge.

"I don't think that's a good idea," the attendant whispers. "She is incredibly frightened of new people. Especially doctors."

"I understand," I nod. "But at least let me try," I urge.

"It's Amy," he whispers. "Her name is Amy."

"Okay," I smile; grabbing Amy's other medical bag. "You might want to find them somewhere else to sit until the ambulance gets here," I murmur pointing to the crowd of homeless spectators.

"I didn't call an ambulance," the attendant murmurs in panic. "I just called you."

"We did when we were in the car," Mark assures him as he stands up. "Look, I know they don't give their real name but we need to know the name he is known as just now?" he questions.

"It's Michael," the attendant murmurs.

"I'm just going to check on his friend," I nod at them before I make my way through the double doors to see the sign for the ladies bathroom.

I still can't quite get my mind round this. She has to have had some medical background because there is no way she could have known that otherwise. When I reach the door, I knock it gently so I don't startle her.

When I walk through the door, I instantly hear sobbing coming from the far end of the bathroom. I soon discover she has locked herself in one of the cubicles. I dump the heavy medical bag on the sink worktop before standing outside her cubicle door.

"Amy," I prod gently. "Your friends going to be okay," I quickly assure her, knowing that it is probably the most important piece of information I could give her. "You saved his life."

Sobbing.

"Why don't you come out here for a second Amy?" I ask softly. "I promise I won't hurt you but I need to make sure you're okay."

More sobbing. Her breathing sounds shallow and I can tell she is in the middle of having a panic attack. It wouldn't surprise me if she has pneumonia though, considering her living conditions.

"Amy is a pretty name. My sister's name is Amy," I smile trying to get her to open up. "I'm Dr. Shepherd."

"Go away," she pleads in a whisper. She is so quiet that I almost couldn't hear her.

"No, Amy. I can't do that," I breathe. "I need to make sure you're okay. So why don't you come out or at least unlock the door so I can see you."

"Please, please, please," she pleads, gasping for air.

"Amy, I know you have suffered a shock but I promise you that Michael is okay. You did brilliantly and the ambulance will be here soon enough to take him to the hospital," I explain.

"No hospital," I hear her gasp as she chokes on a sob. She's panicking badly and I need to get in there.

"Michael has to go but you don't have to go if you don't want to," I breathe. "But I do have to check you out," I urge.

She'll need to go to hospital too. Her breathing sounds bad and that hasn't been something that has just developed.

"Go away, go away, "she pleads like a mantra. "Go away Derek."

"I can't," I explain. "Wait…I didn't tell you my name."

How could she possibly know my name?

"Go away," she continues. "Go away, go away. Go away Derek."

I'm sure I didn't tell her my name. It like she's telling herself though. It doesn't feel like she is talking to me.

Another choked sob and a violent cough to go with it.

Right, that's it.

I quickly climb onto the toilet seat in the next cubicle to hers and poke my head over the wall. I can see her sitting up, knees to chest and arms wrapped tightly around her as a sign that she feels the need to protect herself. She keeps whispering that mantra through the coughing, the sobbing and the shakes. Her entire body is shaking like a leaf. She must be exhausted. How am I going to convince her to come out?

"Amy," I whisper from above. "Look at me," I plead, feeling a wave of nausea.

Amy looks up and I feel myself gasp as my body goes completely rigid with shock in the same way hers does as we mirror each other's confused expressions.

"Meredith?"

**The more comments I get, the much quicker I will update Xxxx**


	18. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Okay everyone, I hope you have had a fab Easter and haven't eaten too much chocolate! Thank you to everyone who commented on my last update and I only hope I don't disappoint you with this one! Please let me know what you think of it! I beg of you!**

**Derek's Point of View**

Over the past year, I spent a lot of time wondering how much Meredith had changed since she left. Whether her appearance had changed dramatically or not? But of all the scenarios and pictures I had in my mind, not one of them involved Meredith looking the way she does right now - sad, terrified, weak, scraggy, worn out with greasy hair that is clung to her head even though it is pulled back in a ponytail. Then there's the old, ripped clothes she is wearing. She was never one for following fashion but this is unreal. This is my Meredith though. There's no mistaking those beautiful eyes of hers.

I can't quite wrap my mind around this. So many questions are running through my head. How did she manage to let this happen? How did she even get into this state? And why…Crap! Of course she couldn't call me because she thought I was dead.

Gasp.

Meredith leans her head on her knees and continues to rock back and forth, in silence now, ignoring me.

"Meredith," I start, gently. I know I'm going to have to behave cautiously here yet all I want to do is jump over this stupid wall and pull her into my arms. How am I supposed to restrain myself? "Meredith, why don't you unlock the door so we can talk?"

She's not even looking at me now. Why is she ignoring me? Why isn't she surprised to see me? Why…? Oh shit! She thinks I'm a hallucination. She's asking me, the hallucination, to go away. She's convinced I'm not real.

"Meredith, it's Derek. Meredith, it's really me," I state, hoping it's enough to convince her.

"No, no," she sobs. "It can't be you," she whispers quietly.

"It is Meredith," I whisper pleadingly. "Please Meredith, just unlock the door and you can see for yourself."

"No," she states bluntly, before she starts to cough loudly.

"Meredith, look at me," I plead, once she has finished coughing. I need to get her out of here. I need to do it fast. However, I don't want to do it at the cost of terrifying her any further. But I will if I have to. "Just look at me," I repeat.

Another sob escapes her chapped lips but she doesn't look up.

"Meredith," I sigh before her head finally, slowly moves to look up towards me. She looks hesitant to make eye contact at first, as her eyes focus on the hand I have gripped onto the wall.

Finally when she does look into my eyes, her eyes bulge as she lets out a half gasp, half sob "Derek!" she screams before she begins to hyperventilate and in that moment we lose eye contact once again.

"Meredith, you need to listen to me," I order gently. "You need to take slow deep breaths," I whisper as I find the strength to push myself up and over the cubicle wall. If this had been over a year ago, I could guarantee Meredith would be choking with laughter, not sobs.

"Finally," I mutter as my legs touch the floor. When I turn, I try not to be disheartened by the fact that Meredith has moved right back against the toilet seat as if she's trying to put the distance between us. Although, that's not exactly possible considering the size of space you get in this cubicle.

"Meredith," I breathe, trying my best to muster a smile as I crouch down in front of the toilet. She's still hyperventilating but she's doing her best to squeeze her knees to her chest as if she needs protecting from me.

Gulp.

"Meredith," I assert, taking a hold of her hand. She flinches and tries to move it out of my grasp but I won't allow it. This is for her own good. At least that is what I am telling myself. I give her hand a gentle squeeze and manage to make eye contact with her in order to give her a little reassurance with a small smile before I look at my watch and place my fingers on her wrist in order to take her pulse. I can sense she is trying desperately to escape the confined space but I know and she knows that she doesn't have the energy. She would have had to have been running on Adrenaline for quite some time now. It's a powerful drug that she has obviously run out of.

I can tell just by looking at her and listening to her breath sounds from this distance that she has pneumonia. Her pulse is rapid and is showing no signs of slowing down. Her hand is shaking in my arms so I do the only thing I know how to comfort her. I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. Her hands feel clammy. Her cheeks are flushed. She's sweating which suggests a temperature. All signs of pneumonia. It wouldn't surprise me if she knows it herself. One of the unusual symptoms of pneumonia is hallucinating. She could still be thinking of me as a hallucination. Especially if she knows she has pneumonia.

"How?" I hear her gasp as I gently reach up my hand to graze her forehead.

Shit! She has a fever.

"How…I…I…I don't…"

I gaze into her eyes and I know exactly what she is asking. The tears are streaming down her face as I feel mine begin to water but the last thing I want to do is break down in front of her when she needs me the most.

"Meredith, Rachel lied to you," I answer honestly, maintaining eye contact. "She lied in order to get you out of the picture."

"But…"

"The death certificate was fake," I whisper, as I watch her shocked expression change to one of fury. There's the Meredith I love. However as quickly as she came, she left, just as suddenly. "Meredith, I am not a hallucination. I promise you, I'm not. I'm right here," I assure her.

"You-have-to-go," she breathes out slowly as her breathing becomes more erratic than before.

"No," I shake my head. I did half expect her to do this; to push me away. I want to yell at her for it but I'm not going to because it will get us nowhere. "I'm not leaving Meredith," I tell her firmly, keeping her hand in mine as she tries her best to pull it away from my grasp.

"Derek," she pleads, as the tears continue to stream down her face. She doesn't even sound like Meredith. She looks, sounds and acts like a shell of the person she once was. What the hell has happened to her? I always come back to this. What could have happened that led to this?

"No Meredith," I continue, ignoring the fact she's giving me a pleading look. "I've been looking for you for so long now and there is no way in hell I'm letting you go, so you had better get used to having me in your life because I am not letting you leave again."

Meredith just stares at me through her glassy, tear stained, baggy eyes. "Michael is about to be taken to the hospital," I start to explain even as I wonder just who Michael is to her. "You are going to sit here, keep calm, focus on your breathing whilst I go and call for an ambulance…"

"No!" She screeches at the top of her lungs, squeezing my hand tightly as if she is pleading with me not to leave her.

"Yes Meredith!" I snap. "I'm giving you two choices here. I either call an ambulance and I sit with you here whilst we wait for it or I go out there and I get Mark and Amy to help me drag you…"

"No, no, no, no, no," she gasps, shaking her head violently. "No, no, no…"

She's beyond hysterical which isn't helping. I need to get her to the hospital to treat her but the suggestion of going to the hospital is making her behave this way.

"I won't do that. I promise I won't if you let me help," I suggest gently. "But no matter what Meredith, I am getting you to a hospital. You have pneumonia and you need to be treated."

"No Derek," she cries, clutching at my arms now. "Please no!"

"It's okay," I whisper, pulling her into my arms, ignoring the smell that immediately attacks my nostrils. My heart breaks just listening to her. Having her close, I can feel how tense she is and I know it's because she isn't comfortable. I can also feel how warm she is. I need to get her out of here fast. "Meredith, I'm going to do everything in my power to help you," I whisper in her ear, as I lift her up and sit on the toilet seat with her in my arms.

"Wh…what…if…if…I don't want it?" she gasps out, although it comes out sounding muffled as she is leaning into my shirt.

"Then that's just tough because you are getting it whether you want it or not?" I chuckle lightly but I know she knows I mean every word.

"Derek," she cries, as she tries to gasp for breath.

"Slow, deep breaths," I murmur, stroking her back with one hand as I pull my blackberry out of my jean pocket. "Try and stay calm Meredith," I order gently, noticing that her whole body is beginning to shake all over again. She's not going to like what I am about to do. I hit the appropriate speed dial and wait for an answer. "Mark? Get in here," I order before hanging up.

"No!" she screeches again, although it comes out a wail thanks to the fact she can barely breathe.

"Meredith, stay calm," I whisper, using my hand to turn her face in order for her to face me. "I'll do the talking. Just stay calm," I demand as her head flops against my shoulder from exhaustion.

"Derek?" Mark calls as he comes into the bathroom.

"Yeah," I sigh, thankful he is here to back me up. I'm going to need him here.

"The ambulance is here," he announces. "And Addison arrived just as you came in here," he informs me as Meredith continues to sob into my shoulder.

"Shh," I whisper to her gently. "Mark, we're going to need another ambulance and my medical bag on the sink unit?" I question. "Can you pass it through here?" I ask.

"You'll need to unlock the door first," he laughs. "So how is the hero of the hour? You did brilliantly, by the way. Your friend should pull through," Mark whispers as I feel Meredith flinch in my arms as she hides her face into my chest. This isn't going to go down well.

"Mark," I warn. "I…I need you to stay calm."

"Okay," he breathes out and I don't need to see him to know that he's giving me an odd expression through the door. I stand up and unlock the door before gently sitting back down whilst Mark stretches the door open.

"Dude," he groans in shock. "What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be her doctor?"

Meredith grips onto my neck for dear life, all the while she continues to gasp for breath.

"Mark, go and call an ambulance!" I demand as I feel Meredith's body go tense in my arms.

"Derek? What the hell are you doing?" He asks again, not backing down.

"It's Meredith, Mark," I answer, looking him directly in the eye.

Mark lets out a laugh. "Is this your idea of a stupid joke?" he asks but the laughter quickly vanishes when he sees I am serious. "Derek," Mark starts seriously. "She's not Meredith."

"Yes, she is," I tell him firmly, holding her tighter to me. It's kind of like I need to hold her to me as tight as possible just for the reassurance that she is in fact in my arms. "Meredith," I whisper into her ear. "I know this feels impossible right now but I need you to look at Mark's ugly mutt of a face, if only for a second," I joke. "Please Meredith," I plead as Mark gives me a worried glance as if I have completely lost the plot.

"Derek, Meredith has…" Mark starts but is caught off with shock when Meredith sends Mark a quick glance before hiding her head in my shoulder once again. "Oh. My. God," he chokes out, as Meredith sobs louder into my shoulder. "Meredith," he cries in dismay, taking a step forward but I shake my head at him. Meredith's too jumpy right now. "How?...what?...how?" he begins to ask, looking between me and the woman curled up in my arms.

I'm about to fill him in when I hear Meredith groan my name before her body goes limp in my arms.

"Mark! Ambulance now! Quickly!" I shout as I stand with her in my arms and step outside the cubicle in order to lay her down on the floor. I hear Mark quickly run out of the door whilst I quickly check that she still has a pulse. "Don't you dare leave me!" I cry into the crook of her neck. "Do you hear me Meredith Grey? Don't you dare leave me! You can't," I plead. "Not when I've just got you back!"


	19. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Carolyn's Point of View**

I've been a mother for over forty years. I've been through many highs and lows, good and bad moments with all my children. I've been there through the snotty noses and the drama of their first loves. One thing I always pride myself on knowing is when one of my children is lying to me. It doesn't matter whether it is face to face or over the phone, I can always tell when they are lying.

The last person I expected to receive a phone call from this afternoon was Derek. When I saw his name flash across my screen, I instantly felt my mind fill with dread. He's my son and I love him but he can be so stubborn. Unfortunately, he gets that from my side of the family. He hasn't returned one of my phone calls since I left Seattle therefore my mind instantly filled with dread when I saw his name flash across my screen because it could only mean one thing.

Disaster.

Lie number one was when he told me not to worry. Lie number two was when he told me everything was okay. Lie number three was when he told me that he needed me to fly out to LA immediately because he was having trouble consoling Amy as her boyfriend ended their relationship. Lie number four was when he told me he was fine. Lie number five was when he told me he was having a good time in LA.

Something was off the moment he came on the phone and that unsettled feeling I had only increased with intensity when he hung up. His voice was urgent and as kind and pleasant as he was, I got the sense that I wasn't allowed to say no. I had to come whether I liked it or not. He had even already booked my ticket on the next flight out and had even reserved me a seat. Derek has always been a kind hearted and considerate person, ever since he was a young boy. However, there is something about this act of kindness that makes me wary.

I know something is going on over there and I know Amy is connected in some way. The other thing I know…I need to prepare myself. I can't explain why. As a parent, instinct takes over and for the most part, it very rarely makes sense but you go with it because a paternal instinct comes naturally. You can't shake it off, no matter how hard you try.

I text Derek just before I boarded the plane to let him know exactly when I would be arriving and he responded by telling me Mark would be collecting me at LAX. I'm quite pleased about this because Mark has never been good at hiding anything from me. He's the worst liar of them all. Well, Meredith used to be the worst, but now…I could always tell when she was lying as she would ramble nervously, fidget with her watch and avoid eye contact. Meredith was never one for subtlety.

I miss her so much. It hasn't helped, not being able to talk to Derek about her. I want us to be able to grieve together. I want us to grieve for Meredith, as the family we once were before I ripped us apart by telling Cristina what I really thought. It breaks my heart every time I think about the expression on Derek's face when he caught us in the closet.

I make my way through the crowded airport with my rather heavy carry-on bag over my worn out shoulder. I can't think about the pain of it though because I just want to find Mark and have him tell me what is going on. I'm hoping Amelia isn't hurt but something is telling me that she is. A parent senses when her child is in pain. I sense Derek's pain but I've sensed that for the past year and a half so that is nothing new.

"Mom!" I hear a voice call. I turn to see Mark standing with a small smile on his face as he gives me a small, half-hearted wave.

Uh-Oh.

Mark may be smiling but I am drawn to the fact that he has bags under his eyes from crying and he looks exhausted.

"What's happened?" I ask, as soon as I have pushed my way through the crowd and I am standing in front of him, ignoring the hustle and bustle going on around us.

"Mom," he sighs. "It's good to see you," he smiles and I know it is forced. "Let me take your bag," he whispers, already sliding it off my shoulder. "Did you have a good flight?" he asks, trying to look enthusiastic.

"Mark," I warn sternly. I don't mean to be harsh but I don't want him to beat around the bush. I know something is wrong. I can sense it.

"Just tell me," I plead as he avoids eye contact with me.

"Mom," he sighs, taking a deep breath before looking back at me. "I…we…"

"What? What is it?" I ask with a sigh. "What?" I push. I'm prepared for whatever he has to tell me.

"We've found Meredith," he smiles with tears in his eyes. "We've found her mom."

Except that!

* * *

"Homeless? Are you sure?" I ask for the third time as we make our way in to St Ambrose Hospital. Somehow, this is too hard to believe. "How could Meredith end up homeless?" How did she let this happen to herself? Why didn't she come to me?

"I don't know mom," Mark sighs. "But right now, that's not what you should be focusing on."

"Well, what the hell should I be focusing on Mark?" I ask, struggling to understand or rationalise anything.

"Mom," Mark whispers, taking me by the arm and pulling me into an empty hallway just beside the Emergency Room. "Meredith is in a bad way," he starts to explain in a whisper, as if he doesn't want anyone else to hear yet there is no one around to hear us anyway.

"Because she was living on the streets," I finish for him.

"What's with the attitude mom?" Mark asks lightly.

"Mark Jeremy Sloan, I am…"

"Mom!" He snaps, losing his cool.

"Mark!" I snap back. I know he's trying to help me make sense of what I feel but how can he when I can't make sense of it?

"You thought she was dead and now you know she isn't which means you feel guilty for giving up, even though most people in your position would have given up a long time ago," Mark starts, staring me down with sorrowful eyes. "You find out she is alive but close to death and that there is a good chance that she will die which makes you scared, pissed off and hurt," he explains, not allowing me to interrupt him. "Understandably," he adds gently. "But here's the thing mom. There is a young woman upstairs on a ventilator because her heart and lungs are in bad shape. Sam can't operate until the pneumonia has settled. You are scared, angry and confused. I get that but your son is upstairs in one hell of a state because he is convinced that a few hours ago was the last moment he had with the love of his life and she spent that time terrified, convinced that he was a hallucination, which is hardly a surprise considering she thought he was dead!"

Okay, maybe he does have better insight than I do but Meredith can't die. She can't die. Not after everything we have been through. Not since it has taken us so long to find her.

"Are you trying to reduce me to tears?" I cry, as I feel myself begin to sink to the ground. However, Mark is quick to help pull me back up.

"Mom," he breathes, holding me close in his arms. "What I'm trying to say, but apparently failing miserably, is that it's okay to feel what you're feeling but Derek needs you now more than ever as does Meredith. This isn't her fault mom. We won't know the full story until she wakes up so we have to spend the time being strong for her. Not wasting time, looking for answers that we won't be able to get. They have to come from the horse's mouth."

"Oh Mark," I cry. "Why did this have to happen to her?" Why couldn't she have come to me? How scared must she have been? "Where is the fairness in this?"

"I don't know," he murmurs honestly, pulling me back slightly, to look at me. "But she is so strong Mom. You have to remember that."

"I know," I nod. I was always in awe of Meredith's strength, since the moment I met her.

"Just wait," he continues, trying his best to muster a smile. "She'll pull through this, fall into Derek's arms and soon enough there will be many mini Grey-Shepherd's taking up the Christmas table," he laughs.

"Oh, I hope so," I smile sadly. "I really hope so Mark because they both deserve…they both deserve…"

"They both deserve their happily ever after," Mark finishes for me.

"Poor Derek," I whisper, as I feel fresh tears roll down my cheeks. He doesn't deserve this either. He will be so worried about her.

"Yeah, which is why I just did what I did mom. Like I said, Derek and Meredith are going to need you but I want you to remember I am here too mom. You let them lean on you as well as the rest of us and whenever you need someone, you lean on me," he whispers sincerely.

"Mark?" I question, looking into his big blue eyes.

"Yeah?" he murmurs, quietly.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I ask, feeling myself smile since the first time I arrived in LA and making Mark laugh. "Are you okay, sweetheart?" It's not until now that I realise, I haven't even asked him.

"I'm okay," he nods. "I'm worried and a little shaken up after finding her in the state she was in but on the whole, I am okay," he smiles, assuring me.

"I can't imagine that being easy," I murmur, giving his arm a quick squeeze. "On either of you," I add.

"I think it was hardest on Meredith Mom," he whispers as he stares at his feet. "She was…she looked…her face was…she was terrified mom," he murmurs, lifting his face to look at me through his tear filled eyes. "She was terrified mom," he repeats in a whisper.

"Sweetheart, she would be. She's been living…"

"Of us mom," he sighs and I can tell this has hit him just as hard as it has hit me. "She was terrified of us," he explains, and I can see him swallow the lump that has risen in his throat. No words can even explain the look in his eyes.

What am I supposed to say to him? Meredith was the very one who got Mark to go to Seattle to sort things out with Derek. She was the very one who got the two of them into the same room together and played mediator as the two of them fought it out. Basically, if it hadn't been for Meredith, Derek would have never forgiven him for sleeping with Addison. Meredith gave Mark his brother back and for that, I know he always felt indebted to her.

Mark and Meredith hit it off from the moment they met. They instantly behaved like brother and sister. Mark was always giving me reports on what Meredith and Derek were up to. He loved hanging out with the two of them, even though he felt like the third wheel most of the time. To him and everyone else in the family, Meredith is his little sister.

What do I say to comfort him? What do I say to make him feel better?

I place my hand firmly on his shoulder as he looks at me with his big, sad, puppy dog eyes. "We will get her through this," I whisper firmly. "We will get her through this," I repeat for emphasis as Mark gives me a slight nod.

* * *

**Mark's Point of View**

I can't believe I broke down in front of Mom. It was the one thing I swore I would never do. I tried my damn hardest to keep my emotions in check when explaining to her the state we found Meredith in but that felt impossible to do when I saw the hurt flash through Mum's eyes. Once I had told her everything I knew, she kept focusing on the homeless part instead of the part where I had to tell her Meredith was really sick. I've never seen mom behave so cold and angry. She didn't even behave that way when I told her about sleeping with Addison.

I know she's hurting and I hated having to push her into accepting this but I needed her to realise before she comes face to face with Meredith and Derek. Derek sent me a text when I was at the airport to say that Sheldon had finally managed to drag Amelia down stairs for a cup of coffee which filled me with instant relief. She had been distraught when she found out that Meredith was the other homeless patient. She has me worried because I know how close she and Meredith were. She won't be taking it well - Meredith has been living a short distance from where she works.

As mom and I round the corner, onto the ICU floor, we instantly spot Derek down the corridor, outside Meredith's room, talking to one of the nurses responsible for Meredith's care. He looks a little less stressed than what he did when I left him fifty minutes ago.

"Derek!" Mom and I call at the same time. If only I had a camera. As Derek turns his head when he hears our voices, Mom bolts faster than lightening towards him and in a matter of seconds her son is in her arms. I swear it looks like a Hallmark moment, asides from the fact Meredith is in the room beside them fighting for her life.

As I make my way into Meredith's room, I sneak a glance at Mom as I hear her gasp and turn to see that she has moved her head from Derek's shoulder to take a look at Meredith, lying on the bed, hooked up to several different monitors and machines. I watch as Derek pulls Mom towards a seat out in the hall, in order for her to catch her breath and to try and take this all in.

I watch Meredith closely as the machine assists her breathing. How could this have happened to her? Meredith is an amazing woman who dedicated her life to saving people and it was something she was bloody good at. She doesn't deserve any of this.

"Do you have any idea the trouble you've got yourself into?" I whisper as I take the seat beside her bed. I take her limp, bony hand in mine. I shouldn't be able to feel every single bone but I do. "Can you imagine Cristina's reaction?" I ask, letting out a little laugh. "She went ballistic that you chose to be homeless here instead of there because at least then you would be local," I laugh. "But that's typical Cristina, isn't it?" I ask, wishing that I would be able to get a response but I know I can't.

I look through the glass to see Derek watching me with a small sad, smile as he holds his mom close in a warm embrace.

"And poor Owen," I whisper, leaning in to stroke her cheek with my cold hand. "He's going to have a real hard time holding her back, trying to keep her under control. She's desperate to fly here but I had to tell her not to. Derek wants to get you transferred to Seattle sooner rather than later. Sam's not keen on the idea but Derek is insisting. I think he's convinced himself if you wake up here then you won't want to return to Seattle with us. You'll basically be as stubborn as you've always been," I add as my voice catches in my throat.

"He'll never leave your side Mer," I chuckle. "You do realise that, don't you? Hell, you'll be lucky to go to the bathroom without Derek accompanying you," I joke and then realise how awkward it feels to be the only one laughing in the room.

"Meredith," I sigh as I squeeze her hand gently, terrified that I may break a bone. "You can't leave us. Who's going to keep Amelia in line when you're gone? Who's mom going to moan to about me or Derek? Who's going to help me pull the hottest chicks in town and then yell at me for taking advantage of them? Who's…who's going to put Derek back together again after he breaks into a million pieces because you're gone again?"

"Meredith, you have to come back to us," I plead as I feel fresh tears roll down my face. "You have to," I insist.

Oh my god.

She squeezed my hand. She just squeezed my hand back.

"Derek!" I call, as I see him and Mom turn to look at me through the glass. "Get in here!" I demand.

"Meredith?" I question her in a whisper as Mom and Derek comes barging into the room.

"What's wrong?" they ask in unison, looking rather perplexed.

I turn to tell them the best news of today when we hear the alarm go off beside Meredith's bed.

Shit!

She's coding.

* * *

"You're sure she squeezed your hand?" Amelia asks me for the third time since she came into the waiting room to sit with me, Mom and Derek.

"I'm sure," I sigh, as mom and I continue watching Derek pace the floor. He hasn't spoken a word since the nurse ushered us in here.

It had been an hour since we were pulled out of Meredith's room. Addison and Charlotte King came barging in, calling the code and demanding that Sam was paged immediately. They worked on her while one of the nurses ushered us into the waiting room. It took the nurse, me and Mom to drag Derek away from watching them try and bring Meredith back to life. He insisted on staying but there's no way we could allow him to watch that.

Amelia came running in fifteen minutes later demanding to know what had happened. Sheldon came with her and tried his best to calm her down but she wasn't having any of it so he did the only thing he knew that would comfort her. He went to stand outside Meredith's room and make sure everything was okay.

However, that was thirty minutes ago and he hasn't been back since.

"No news is good news, Derek," Mom whispers. I know she's trying to comfort him but I know that won't help him.

Derek stops pacing the floor and turns to look at Mom with a stone cold expression. An expression I could only describe as one of defeat. "They've been working on her for an hour mom," he whispers. "How is that good news?" he asks sarcastically.

"Derek," Amelia sighs. "I…"

She's about to say something but stops and Mom, Derek and I turn to see why. Sam is standing outside the waiting room, watching us with a look of dread on his face. Mom, Amelia and I instantly stand as he makes his way into the room.

"Sam?" Derek stutters out in a whisper.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers sorrowfully, looking directly at Derek. "We did everything we could…"

I hear Mom and Amelia scream and gasp beside me as I watch Derek's eyes roll back and thankfully I react in time to catch him before he hits the ground.

I told you Meredith. Who's going to pick up the millions of pieces he's just broken into?


	20. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank you to everyone who commented on yesterday's update!**

**Derek's Point of View**

Why do I feel so far away? I feel as if I'm floating. I can hear talking going on around me. I'm aware that there are voices. I can't make out what they are saying though. I can't even make out who is talking. I struggle to make out where I am or what has happened.

"Derek," I hear someone whisper next to my ear.

Okay, I can hear a little better but why do I still feel like I'm floating?

What happened?

Where am I?

"Derek?" I hear Mark question and I finally manage to allow a groan to escape past my lips.

"Derek?" Mark questions me. "Derek? Wake up!"

What the hell happen…Oh Meredith! No!

No!

Something happened to Meredith.

"Derek?" Mark questions again, sounding like he's in a panic.

"Meredith!" I groan loudly.

"Derek, wake up!" Mark insists. How can he seem so close yet so far away?

_"I'm so sorry…"_

_"We did everything we could…"_

"She's gone," I cry. "She can't be gone…"

"She's okay Derek," I hear Mom whisper. "She's okay," she repeats softly.

"What?" I ask, suddenly more alert. I manage to open my heavy eye lids, squinting at the bright light as I do, and come face to face with my mother, staring at me with concern.

"She's alive," she whispers as I try to sit up. However, Mark makes a quick appearance at my side and holds me down.

"Dude, you passed out," he chuckles, holding me down against the gurney. "At least try and look as if the room isn't spinning before you try and sit up," he smiles at me.

How can he be smiling when we were told Meredith was dead?

"One problem at a time Mark," I groan. "Meredith is okay?" I ask, staring at Mom.

"Addison managed to save Meredith. A nurse was sent to tell us but she got pulled into another code…."

"Why the hell didn't Addison come and tell us?" I ask, feeling anger and relief all at the same time, as Mark lets me go.

"Because Sam needed her help," Mom whispers, suddenly looking sad and sharing a glance with Mark.

"But Sam was paged to help Meredith," I think aloud. "How…"

"Sam was in the OR when Addison paged," Mark explains to me as Mom looks to the ground as if she's nervous about what Mark is about to tell me. "He couldn't leave but as it turns out, he needed her help once she and Charlotte managed to get Meredith stabilized."

"Then why the hell did he come in and tell us that he did everything he could? We only say that when the patient is dead so who the hell would he have been talking about?" I question, finally managing to sit up and look between my Mom and Mark as they are on either side of me. They share a glance, once again and for the third time today, I am filled with dread. "Who was Sam talking about?" I ask slowly, emphasizing every word.

"Derek," Mom whispers, catching her breathe and looks at me sadly. "It's Michael. He was talking about Michael."

Shit!

"No…He can't…What...How…He…" I stutter out.

"Derek," Mark starts. "There was…"

"This will destroy Meredith," I murmur, trying to get my head around this. "When she wakes up and I tell her that he is dead. It will destroy her all over again."

"You don't know that," Mark whispers trying to rationalize this for me. "We don't really know who Michael is…or who he was to Meredith. He could have just…"

"They were close Mark," I whisper. "You can't tell me this won't hit her hard because it will. She's been through enough. She's been through enough pain. She doesn't deserve this," I cry.

"Derek," Mom breathes, taking hold of my hand. "This is where we have to stick together as a family and help her through it. We have to be strong for her."

"No matter how hard she tries to push us away, and we know she will, we push back until she realizes that she has no choice but to lean on us," Mark adds.

"Awfully poetic of you," I smile at him. "You been at the Scotch by any chance?" I ask, chuckling slightly.

"That would be a no," he laughs. "But I could really do with one. Fancy it?" he asks lightly.

He has to kidding with me!

"No way!" I insist. "I have to go…"

"You," Mom intervenes, pointing straight at me. "Have not had a bite to eat today and barely had anything to drink so you are going to go with Mark and I don't want to see you back here for at least an hour!"

"But…" I start.

"But nothing Derek," Mark sighs. "Amelia is sitting with Meredith and Mom is going up there now. They will call us if there is any change."

"She went into cardiac arrest Mark! I can't just…"

"Derek!" Mom interrupts in a warning tone. "Meredith is going to need you when she wakes up and how can she lean on someone who has run themselves into the ground?" she questions me. "Amelia and I will call you if there is any change. I promise."

"You promise?" I question hesitantly, turning to Mark who's giving me a look that says I shouldn't be questioning her.

"I promise," she whispers soothingly, rubbing her hand up and down my back just like she used to do for me as a kid when I was sick and would never sit at peace. Somehow, Mom rubbing my back always made me calm down.

"Okay," I nod reluctantly. "Was there any change in her status when you last checked?" I ask Mark just for my mind to be put at rest.

"Sam checked her ten minutes ago and he said that all her stats were good, considering," he smiles encouragingly. However, we both know that even though they are good under the circumstances, it doesn't mean that Meredith is out of the woods yet. Far from it, in fact.

"Did Charlotte get the General Surgeon Fellow to start her on dialysis?" I ask, as my last conversation with Charlotte dawns on me.

"Yeah," Mark sighed. "They started that pretty quickly after they got her heart going again and Sam has doubled her dose of Steroids."

"Hold on a minute," Mom interrupts, as I finally move off the gurney to stand beside Mom. "Dialysis?" she asks perplexed.

"Yeah," I sigh, realizing that I had forgotten to explain that bit to her. "We think we might be able to avoid a transplant but only if the Dialysis takes affect fast."

Mum gasps with shock. "But with the Pneumonia…How…What…"

"Mom," I whisper, pulling her in for a hug. "I promise you that I will make sure she has the best doctors treating her. I promise. Meredith will have the very best fighting her case," I assure her even though I have little hope. I feel as if we need a miracle and the sad thing about this is that if anyone deserves a miracle right now, it's Meredith. "I promise," I whisper into her hair, but I think I'm trying to convince myself more than her.

* * *

**Amelia's Point of View**

Today feels unreal. It feels like it has been an ever ending nightmare right from the moment Mark came running out of the bathroom in the homeless shelter. The expression on his face is one I will never forget as long as I live.

Sheldon has been amazing. He seems to sense exactly what I need. At first he was pushing me to talk but he quickly realized that the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. That's why I love him. Yes, I Amelia Shepherd am in love with a man. It's hard to believe that I have actually managed to meet someone who can put up with all my flaws and doesn't freak me out when talking about a future together.

"I only wish that you and Derek get the future you both deserve Meredith," I smile sadly, taking her hand in mine. She looks so Un- Meredith like. She is so weak, lifeless. How did she become reduced to this? If Rachel could see what she has done, would she smile? "You both deserve the whole happily ever after experience after all of this. You know, together," I whisper.

"I am so sorry Meredith," I breathe as I feel hot tears in my eyes. "I spoke to you after your surgery. I'm the one who told you the state of Derek's injuries. I should have waited. I should have known that you weren't ready to hear that," I cry. "I am truly sorry Meredith but I promise that I will make this up to you. I'm going to be here. And I promise you can moan to me, all you want about Derek because I know he will be a bit of a pain. He'll never leave you alone after this," I laugh lightly.

"Oh Meredith," I sigh. "I wish you were able to see how much he loves you," I whisper as I sense someone at the door and turn to see Addison giving me a small smile while Sam looks a little apprehensive standing behind her.

"Hey," Addison smiles. "How's she doing?" She asks, sounding genuinely interested.

"Fine," I mutter, staring at Meredith. I can't look at them. How can I after what they've done?

"Are you okay?" She asks me as I sense Sam picking her chart up from the table behind me.

"You both knew," I blurt out, unable to hold back. I can't understand how she could know such a huge piece of the puzzle and not tell me about it. I don't understand it at all.

"Amelia…" Addison starts.

"No," I mutter. "Don't you dare try and wriggle out of this Addison. When Mark came out of the bathroom, he hadn't even said anything when you looked at him and said 'It's Meredith, isn't it?" I start, turning to see her looking at Sam with a guilty expression. "Come to think of it, you told Pete not to ask me to go to the shelter."

Sam and Addison look at one another and back at me. Am I missing something?

"How long have you known?" I ask, looking between the two. "Come on," I snap. "How long?"

"A couple of weeks," Addison whispers.

Oh god.

Oh crap.

"But we weren't sure," she adds, trying to defend herself. "We couldn't be sure."

"Amelia," Sam interrupts. "We wanted to be sure before we told you."

"You should have told me!" I fume, vehemently. "This is your fault," I point to the both of them. "If you had told me when you first suspected then, she," I explain, pointing to Meredith, "may not be on a ventilator fighting for her life! The past few weeks have been wasted when they could have been spent helping Meredith," I add.

"Amelia," Addison whispers, pleadingly. She looks sad but as horrible as it sounds, I do not care right now. "We did…"

"You did nothing Addison!" I shout as anger gets the better of me. "That's the entire point. You did nothing! As did you," I add turning to Sam.

"Amelia, you need to calm down," he whispers. "And for what it's worth, Addison wanted to tell you but we talked her out of it. We..."

"We? Who's 'we'?" I question. He did say 'we', didn't he?

Addison and Sam look at one another and the only thing I can see in Sam's eyes is hesitation and regret.

"Naomi," he whispers, looking to the ground.

"So let me get this straight," I whisper, feeling a sudden pain in my chest. How could they do this? "You, Addison and Naomi have known for three weeks."

"Amelia, we couldn't be sure," Addison whispers sorrowfully. "Of course I wanted to tell you but we wanted to be sure. We didn't want to cause you any more pain," she explains. "Amelia, you're my friend, I would…"

"You're no friend of mine!" I snap.

"Hey," Sam whispers in warning as I watch Addison retreat with a painful expression.

"You knew," I cry, staring at her. "I'm sorry Addison but I can't forgive you for that!"

"Hey!" Derek calls as he's coming running into the room with Mom and Mark following quickly behind. "What's wrong?" he asks, obviously taking in my tears.

"Nothing," I assure him, as I turn to see Addison looking to the floor. "This is all a little overwhelming, you know," I whisper.

"It'll be okay sweetheart," Mom assures me and before I know it she is rushing to my side and pulls me into her warm arms.

"Mom's right," Derek smiles. "And I've got some good news," he adds.

"Oh yeah," Sam whispers. "What's that?" He asks curiously.

"I've just got off the phone with Richard," he explains with a small smile. "He's treating Meredith's case as a high priority, VIP case which means there will be a helicopter ambulance here in two hours to take her there."

Yes!

That is great news.

"No way," Sam quickly, shuts the idea down. "She's not stable. I'm sorry Derek…"

"She needs her family around her Sam," Derek pleads. "I need to get her to Seattle because if I don't do it while she unconscious then she'll never come back because she will be too afraid."

Derek looks at Sam hopeful but going by the expression on Sam's face, he isn't going to sign off on this.

"Please Sam," Mark whispers, looking at his old best mate, pleadingly.

"I can't sign off…" Sam starts.

"Please Sam," I cut him off, happy at the fact Mom still has her arms around me, holding me close.

"There is no way I can allow it," he breathes, looking at Derek with pity. "I'm sorry man."

Derek looks crushed as he sits on the bed next to Meredith, looking at her like he wants her to defend the idea too.

"Sam," I hear Addison whisper to him. No one else can hear as Mark is too busy checking that Derek is okay and Mom is busy trying to whisper words of comfort in my ear. I don't know how I do it but I manage to tune her out while focusing on what Addison is saying. "You owe me this," she mutters, giving him a warning look. "Sign off on it," she warns.

"But…"

"Sign off on it. Let her go home," She whispers and as Sam nods, she turns and gives a smile of recognition.

"Okay," he sighs reluctantly. "I'll allow this if her blood pressure remains stable and there are no further episodes," he warns us all.

Derek jumps to pull Sam into a guy hug. He looks so happy at the idea of her coming home and for the first time in a long time, I feel so happy for him.

Everything will remain stable. It has to because Meredith has to go home where she belongs and there is no way in hell she'll be going without me!


	21. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Derek's Point of View**

It's hard to believe that it has been a week since we left LA. It's even harder to believe that I haven't left Seattle Grace since we got back. I've been on hand to help with consults when they were needed but I haven't seen the inside of an OR since I operated in LA. There's no way I could and the last thing I felt comfortable doing was leaving Meredith's side. She needed me whether she was sleeping or not. Besides, I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up. I know that's selfish but I can't help it.

As much as we all hoped and prayed for her to wake up before today, I am glad she hasn't because I don't want her to feel that pain. I don't want her to have to fight for each and every breath. It scares me that they still have to keep her on the ventilator but I know it is in her best interest for now. It was a risk to bring her back to Seattle, especially since she wasn't considered stable and looking back, I know I should have waited but at the time, I couldn't and I wouldn't have anyone give me 'the speech' on waiting. It's one, as a surgeon, I have given so many times and one which I will probably still continue to give. However, I'll be aware of exactly how the other person Is feeling because when it comes to someone you love, patience isn't something you have a lot of when you feel time is running out.

Everyone has been great since the moment we arrived back. Izzie, Alex, Cristina and George visit every morning before rounds, they have their lunch with us and they stop by before they go home. There have been a couple of nights where Cristina has stayed on to talk about a cool surgery she performed that day. Richard and Adele have dropped by every morning as well. Richard has been popping in, in the afternoon with coffee for him and I. He'll stay for about half an hour before he gets back to running the hospital. My sisters have been perfect at flying back and forth between States and are constantly on the phone to Mom, Amelia or Mark for updates. Mark drops in every spare moment he has. Amelia and Mom take it in shifts to be here too. They're staying at mine, keeping everything in order for when I eventually brave the journey home. And as for everyone else, they pop in now and again, making sure I don't need anything and that Meredith is stable and doing as okay as can be given the circumstances.

There hasn't been one person who hasn't told me to go home and get some rest but with everyone popping in and out of Meredith's room, I have to stay so I can have some private time with her. It's not that I don't appreciate what everyone is doing and I completely understand them all wanting to spend time with her but my moments alone with her are my favourite. I like to think that she can hear me; that is why I talk to her about anything and everything. I tell her what has happened over the past year. I tell her about the guilt I feel for not talking to Mom for two months but how we have managed to sort that out. I made a confession and told her what I did to Rachel that night in the restaurant and how she wouldn't have to worry about her being in our lives anymore. I talk to her about stupid stuff too. Like how Mark's jokes are beginning to really annoy me more than usual or how I wish the nurses would stop gossiping about the fact I talk to her. They seem to forget that I can hear them when I sneak out of Meredith's bed in the I.C.U to go to the bathroom. I also tell her about her mom. I wish I could tell Ellis that she is okay but according to Mom, she hasn't had one lucid moment since we came back from LA. The nurses have been really good though and they have promised to call if she does so that mom or I can head over there to tell her the good news. It would be fantastic if she became lucid after Meredith's surgery so that we could tell her that she is awake and well on the way to making a full recovery.

Today, Teddy is going to operate. And the nerves I felt a week ago are back in full force. The idea of Teddy having to cut Meredith open again makes me sick and angry. How could she have been so stupid, as to walk out of this hospital over a year ago when Teddy had only operated on her chest hours prior to her leaving? She put herself at risk by doing that. However, the rational part of me knows, at that point, she didn't care what happened to her. She was hurt. She was heartbroken and she clearly had no real clue as to what she was doing….or did she?

Mark keeps telling me that I need to stop torturing myself. I'll find out the answers when Meredith wakes up and when she is ready to tell me. He emphasizes that point repeatedly. I'll have to make sure not to push her and allow her to come to me. When did Mark become such a whizz at Psychology?

"Meredith," I sigh, squeezing her limp hand. Every time I do that though, I instantly become aware just how skinny she is. I mean she was always skinny but she has lost too much weight and the dieticians have labelled her malnourished simply because she hasn't had regular nutrition. It hits me every time I walk into this room. It hits me every time I take her hand in mine because I'm terrified to even squeeze it slightly in case I break any bones. Addison broke two of her ribs when performing CPR last week. Her weight makes surgery an even bigger risk because if she ends up with an infection, she has no more weight to lose and no energy to fight it off.

"Teddy and one of her Cardio fellows are going to come in here in a few minutes to take you to the OR," I begin to say, doing my best to control my emotions and remain as calm as possible. "Mom, Mark and Amelia are waiting for me in the relative's room. They're going to sit with me while we wait for news on how everything is going. Cristina has decided to teach the interns in the skills lab today…I know," I sigh. "It's weird, right? The idea of her taking time to teach interns instead of hiding out in the OR," I chuckle, as I lean forward to kiss her, white, cold cheek. "Don't you dare leave me again," I whisper in warning. "Meredith…you…I….you and I need to have time together. This can't be it. What we had can't be it. I'm not saying that I didn't love having you as my best friend. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for what we had but it isn't enough Meredith. We need more. We deserve more," I whisper pleadingly. "You-can't-leave-me."

"Do you hear me?" I whisper in her ear.

"Derek…" I hear from the doorway. I turn my stiff, sore neck to see Teddy and Owen standing in the doorway.

"The OR is prepped and ready," Teddy smiles. "I've got an intern coming into the OR with us so they can come out and give you an update every hour," she assures me.

"You okay Derek?" Owen asks quietly, grabbing Meredith's chart from the slot beside the door.

"Yeah," I sigh. "How's Cristina doing?"

"Oh, you know," he shrugs, non-committedly. "She's being Cristina."

"She's basically doing what Meredith does in a crisis and is pretending everything is okay and that she is fine?" I ask with a small smile.

"Yeah," he laughs, handing the chart to Teddy.

"Would you like another moment alone with her Derek, before we take her in?" Teddy asks softly, looking at me with a look mixed with sorrow, pity and friendliness. Kind of like the look everyone has given me since we got back from LA.

"No, no," I shake my head. "I've said all I need to say," I admit, looking directly at Meredith while I sense Owen and Teddy watching me closely.

"I will do my very best work in there Derek," Teddy assures me, stepping forward to place her hand on my shoulder and giving it a friendly squeeze. Glancing up from my seat, I can see that she is being genuine and she's not being a typical cocky surgeon about it. "I promise."

"Thank you," I sigh, feeling the dread sink in once again right in the pit of my stomach, slowly overtaking my entire body. They have to take her from me. She has to go and I have to wait. Once again I have to wait. "Okay, you can take her," I whisper, staring at her underweight figure instead of the two surgeons in the room.

"Are you sure?" Owen asks me, pulling up the bar, on the bed, on his side, in order for him to steer it.

"I'm sure," I whisper, holding back my tears. "I can't say goodbye again so please, just go," I plead.

"Okay," Owen whispers, as Teddy steps in front of my chair to pull up the bar on this side and help Owen guide her out of the room.

"I promise someone will be out every hour Derek," she assures me. "You have my word."

And with that, they were gone, wheeling the woman I love down the hallway towards the elevator to take her to the OR.

"I love you Meredith Grey," I whisper into the empty room. I only hope I get the chance to tell her in person.

* * *

**Cristina's Point of View**

Interns.

Stupid bloody interns.

I would love nothing more than to be in the OR right now but instinct is telling me to be available just in case I am needed to help with Meredith. Frankly, I should be the one operating on her, not Teddy but thanks to the stupid rules about operating on friends and family, I'm not allowed too.

Stupid logic.

Stupid rules.

I would love to know who made the rules because they are stupid and if Meredith were awake then she would agree with me too. I know she would want me operating on her. Of course she would. Who wouldn't want the best?

"Dr Yang?" I hear a voice question me, causing me to turn from the charts I had been filling at the nurses desk, to face a rather nervous looking Thatcher Grey with a woman on either side of him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I snarl.

Okay, I'm a bitch but who cares? Meredith certainly doesn't care and I know one thing for sure – he can't be here when she wakes up.

"Cristina…" the old man stutters, looking sad. Oh no, he can't seriously think that I'm going to fall for that? Can he?

"Look," I start firmly, glancing between the three of them. "Today is an incredibly difficult day for my family so I think it would be best if you all went home."

"And come back tomorrow?" the young woman asks hopefully. She is way too perky for my liking.

"No," I snap. "You don't come back. You leave Meredith and this family alone."

"We just want to help," The older woman pleads and I can only assume that she is the mug who's married to the idiot.

"Help?" I question. "You seriously want to help? Then leave," I insist. "You're no good here. Meredith needs her family around her. She needs the people who love her, around her."

"That's not fair!" The younger woman cries, looking stricken with what I've just said. Ironically, I see the pain in her eyes that I once saw in Meredith's when she came back from the one and only visit she made to her father in twenty years.

"Fair?" I question, clenching my fists in anger. I can't hit her but I want to. "None of this is fair!" I seethe, not caring that everyone was turning to watch what was going on. "Meredith is lying on an OR table fighting for her life right now! You three never bothered to help when she went missing over a year ago and now you show up as if you actually care!"

"We do care," The older woman cries, grasping at her husband who seems too busy focusing on everyone around him instead of on what is happening with Meredith. "Oh, Cristina, I can't imagine how hard this is on…"

"Don't do that," I warn, pointing at her. "Don't patronise me."

"Cristina, we just want to know if she's okay," The younger woman pleads. "I want a chance to know my sister!" she shouts. "I know what my father did was terrible," she starts, taking a step forward, away from her father's side so she is merely a breath away from me. "I know that today must feel impossible for you and for Dr Shepherd but all we want to know is that she is okay and to see if there is anything we can do," she whispers.

"She will be fine," A voice whispers from behind me and I turn to see Derek staring Thatcher down. "And if you really want to help," he breathes, "then get him out of here because he doesn't belong here and he doesn't deserve to be here after the amount of tears he has caused Meredith to shred."

"Thatcher, maybe we should…" The older woman starts.

"Mom," the young woman whispers. "Why don't you take dad home?" she suggests, turning to face her mother who looks rather hurt, under the circumstances. I'm aware there is a lot of whispering and commotion going on around us but I can't care about that when they have the nerve to show up here as if they deserve to be here.

"Are you okay?" Derek whispers in my ear.

"Not really," I mutter, not bothering to take my eyes off the family exchange going on in front of us. "You?" I question.

"Not really," he sighs, and I can tell he's feeling the same weight on his shoulders that I feel on mine.

"When was the last time that Johnson was out with an update?" I ask, feeling my stomach fill with that stupid flip flop feeling that it had been doing all day, whenever I pictured Meredith lying helpless on the OR table.

"About thirty minutes ago," he breathes. "She's stable and all seems to be going well just now."

"Good," I murmur. "Good." If it was anyone else in the OR, I would be asking specifics. In fact, I would be demanding them but right now, I can't because it is too hard. What you don't know can't hurt you? Right?

"It shouldn't be too much longer now," he whispers and I can't tell whether he is trying to assure me or himself.

"No, it shouldn't," I whisper but that bad feeling I have doesn't seem to want to shift from my side. It's as if it's glued to me and no matter how many times I try to shake it off, It won't budge.

"It's okay mom," the younger woman assures. "I'm going to stay here. I'll keep you both posted."

"Hold on," I interrupt. "You are…"

"Shut up," she mutters under her breath. "You two go and I promise I'll call as soon as there is any news," she whispers, before giving her mother and father a kiss on the cheek and then we all stand still in shock as the older woman leads Thatcher around the corner towards the door to the stairs.

"You…"

"I'm staying," she breathes fiercely, turning to stare me down. Oh no, I'm not having that. "You may be able to insist that they leave but I'm not. I won't be bullied into leaving. I have never met Meredith. I only found out about her existence last year when she went missing and I'm telling you right now, no matter how hard you try, I am not going anywhere because I want to know she's okay! I want to know that there is still a chance for the two of us," she insists.

"You…" I start again.

"Cristina," Derek breathes, placing his hand on my shoulder. "She can stay," he whispers.

"What?" I ask with shock, turning to face him.

"Let her stay," he whispers, giving me a pointed look. This is one of those moments that I'm supposed to understand but can't. Meredith's normally here to decipher them for me. Damn her! She has to be on the bloody OR table when I need her here to help me.

"You can't be serious?" I ask him as he walks around the nurse's station towards an unsure looking Grey sister.

"Derek Shepherd," he whispers, holding out his hand as some kind of peace offering.

"Lexie Grey," she smiles, shaking his hand.

"I think I'm going to vomit," I mutter, before turning back to my charts at the station. I sense Derek giving me a disapproving look but I couldn't care less. Where does he get off, allowing a Grey sister to stay? That'll be another thing that Meredith will end up pissed off at him for. He always has to interfere. He can't help himself. It's like an illness.

"Are you and Meredith close?" Lexie asks in pathetic, sweet, innocent voice.

"You could say that," I hear Derek answer. I can't take this.

Before I even turn, I end up catching a glance of Carolyn Shepherd standing outside the conference room across from the nurse's station, with tears rolling down her cheeks as she looks between me and Derek.

"Carolyn?" I question, feeling my eyes burning.

I sense Derek turning to glance in the direction I am looking. "Mom?" I hear him question. I can feel his nerves as well as hear them in his voice.

"She's in recovery," Carolyn breathes, coming towards us. "She made it! She did it!"

"Oh Meredith," I cry and finally feel that sense of dread unglue itself from my side.

Meredith Grey, I hope you know I'll be kicking your ass for this when you wake up.


	22. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Derek's Point of View**

I thought I would feel relief but instead all I feel is worry and frustration. I thought that part would be over but obviously not. Sure, I felt relief when Mom had told Cristina and me that Meredith had made it through the surgery. However, that was three days ago and now all I am filled with is the fear, the worry and the frustration that Meredith may not wake up.

How is this fair?

Meredith and I have never had a chance…Okay, maybe that isn't true. There were plenty of chances but I never took them because I was too much of a cowardly. The problem is that I don't even know if Meredith ever has or ever will love me. Could I even take a chance now? That might be enough to send her packing for good and if that is the case then I don't know what I'd do without her. I need her in my life, even if it is just as a best friend. Let's face it – having Meredith Grey as a best friend is pretty special. Sure, I want nothing more than for her to be mine, allowing me to love her but I won't risk telling her if it means me losing her.

Besides, even if I did have the courage to tell her – I couldn't. I already have to drop the bombshells that I am alive, that we brought her back to Seattle, that Michael is dead and to top it all, her estranged father, step mother and half-sister are sniffing about.

Lexie is a lovely girl but she is rather pushy. I know she's probably overwhelmed and I don't know her well enough to judge her but as harsh as it sounds, she isn't my main concern or priority. I've left Mom and Mark to deal with her for the past three days she has been here because if I attempted to get to know her then I know Meredith would see it as being a betrayal. Cristina said as much. I hate to admit it but I think she is right. If Meredith woke up to discover that I had bonded with the half-sister she hadn't even met before then she would never forgive me for it. There would be no going back.

As for Thatcher – I don't know how he found out Meredith was here and frankly I don't care, as long as he doesn't come back to bother her. I still can't get over his attitude fifteen months ago when I insisted that he visited me in the hospital so I could explain what had happened to Meredith. I know Meredith had only visited him once since she had started her internship all those years ago at Seattle Grace, but I hoped he would be able to help me find her. If there was anything connected to her past then maybe he would be the key into helping us find her. Well, apparently that was asking too much of a coward like Thatcher Grey. What did he do? He shrugged his shoulders saying he didn't know anything and couldn't help. He asked if I needed money to help pay for a private detective and after I shut him down of his offer, he walked out without so much as a second glance backwards.

Who does that? What kind of man does that? What kind of father does that?

As for Meredith, I'm exhausted from watching her. I'm exhausted hoping that she will wake up at any given second. I hate seeing the tubes and monitors plastered over her body. And the thing I hate the most is seeing the shell of a woman that she has become. She looks lifeless. Her face is gaunt and her hair is nothing like it used to be. She doesn't look like the Meredith who I watched do a happy dance on her first shift as a Neurosurgical Attending but I know she is in there, somewhere. I just hope there is enough fight in her to break out of the shell she has become.

How did we get to this?

How did it come to this?

How did I allow it to come to this?

I would give anything to go back a few years and pluck up the courage to tell her the truth. It is three simple words. How could I have been so scared to tell her those three simple words? Can you really consider them simple though when they can change a person's life forever?

"Derek," I hear from the door. I turn from staring out at Seattle's sunrise, to see Richard shifting on his feet at the door.

"Hey," I sigh. Taking him in, I see he looks even more worn down and exhausted than I do.

"No change?" he asks, glancing at Meredith's still form.

"No change," I confirm. I have never stopped to think about how this affects him. He sees Meredith as his daughter and to find out she had been living homeless couldn't have been easy. Now there's the fact that she's fighting for her life. She's his daughter and like me, he wants nothing more than to wake her up.

"Uh," Richard groans. "When she wakes up, I don't know whether I want to pull her into my arms and never let her go or yell at her until I have no voice left," he breathes, walking into the room and sitting on the chair, the other side of Meredith's bed. I follow suit and sit in the chair across from him, Meredith's still body lying between us.

"I know what you mean," I chuckle harshly.

"There's only one question that I keep asking myself…"

"Why didn't she come to you?" I ask, knowing that is exactly what he asks himself every day.

"Yeah," he murmurs, staring at the monitor that's recording Meredith's heart rate and blood pressure. "I don't get it Derek. I don't get why she didn't come to me. I can understand why she felt she couldn't turn to your family. I know things have been awkward between Meredith and me in the past but I thought we were past all that. I thought she felt she could turn to me," He sighs.

"She did Richard," I tried to assure him but he looks sceptically at me. "Honestly," I insist. "She did. After the accident, I have no idea what went on in her head but I imagine it became too much for her to deal with and with everyone focusing on me and my injuries and then to find out I was dead," I breathe, gulping back the lump in my throat, "I guess she felt more alone than ever. Isolated," I add, watching Richard nod in agreement.

"Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?" he questions.

"No, it doesn't," I mutter. "It definitely doesn't."

I really shouldn't broach the subject now but I have to. It's not fair to keep him waiting.

"Richard," I sigh, as he stares at me expectantly. "About me returning to work…I…uh…"

"You won't want to return until Meredith is on the mend," He smiles. "It's okay Derek. I fully expected that. Meredith is going to need you around and…"

"Actually, I want to take a leave of absence," I blurt out, not wanting to hear him say anymore.

I wish I had a camera to take a picture of his shocked expression.

"What do you mean a leave of absence?" He questions, baffled.

"I mean that I need to take a break from surgery," I start to explain. "Meredith has a long recovery ahead of her."

"You're right but she'll have her entire family around her to help," he insists. "The responsibility won't just lie with you Derek," he assures me. "We'll all be there to help."

"I know," I sigh. "But my reason for taking a leave of absence isn't just about Meredith. I never stopped…"

"You never stopped?" My old mentor asks, looking at me curiously.

"After the accident, I was so focused on getting out of the wheelchair, on walking again and mainly on finding her," I whisper, indicating to Meredith. "I need time to reconnect with Meredith as well as help her recover," I explain. "And I just want…I want…"

"You want time to breathe," he finishes for me.

"Yeah," I smile. "Exactly. I need to take some time to breathe. I feel as if I've been holding my breath for the past year and a half and that I still am. I won't be able to until she wakes up and when she does, I want to be able to enjoy breathing again. I want to enjoy living again."

"That makes sense," he nods.

"It does? You're not mad?" I ask him incredulously.

"Mad?" he asks, looking at me bewildered. "Derek, when Meredith finally comes home from the hospital, I've already warned the board that I'm taking a couple of weeks off and I haven't been through half of what you have in the past year."

"Thanks Richard," I smile, and I swear I just saw Meredith's hand twitch slightly.

I'm seeing things. I have to be, knowing my luck.

"Don't worry Derek," he insists lightly. "It will all work out."

"I hope so Richard. I really hope so," I breathe. Somehow, I manage to feel that it really will be. It feels like a foreign reassurance since I haven't felt it, never mind believed it in over a year.

"I…" She's moving. Her hand is moving. "Richard, get Teddy in here now!" I demand, standing up, stroking Meredith's face as she begins to fight the intubation. I hear Richard at the nurse's desk, barking orders.

"Meredith, can you hear me?" I whisper soothingly. "Meredith, it's me, Derek. You're okay," I assure her. "I promise you're okay. You have tube down your throat, helping you breathe. Try not to fight it," I insist. "I know it's hard."

Suddenly, her hand is up in the air and clutching at my shirt. I use my hand to gently guide it round her back and lean in so I'm holding her close to me. She needs to know I'm here.

"Meredith, can you open your eyes for me?" I ask gently. "Can you do that for me?"

Her eyes pop open and I can instantly see the fear and confusion reflected in them.

"Teddy's on her way Mer," I smile down at her, as she clutches my shirt tighter. I place my free hand over hers and gently squeeze it. "You've given all of us one hell of a scare."

I would cry with relief if she wasn't looking so terrified. The last thing she needs to see is me breakdown in front of her. Especially not when she has just woken up and doesn't have a clue what's going on.

"What happened?" Mark demands, coming into the room, followed by Teddy, Owen, Richard and Cristina. I catch a glance of Mom, Amelia, Izzie, George, Lexie and Alex through the glass before I turn back to see Meredith glancing at everyone more terrified than ever.

"Guys, can you give us some room?" Teddy asks gently.

"But…" Cristina starts, not taking her eyes off of Meredith who's eyes are fighting the exhaustion that wants to take over.

"Hang on Mer," I whisper. "Hang on just for a few seconds more."

"Come on Cristina," Owen insists, taking her by the arm. "Give them some room and then you can come in and sit with her."

"I'm right outside Meredith!" she shouts as Owen drags her out of the room along with everyone else.

"Derek, I need you to take a step back for a second," Teddy smiles at me.

"Sure," I nod, gently removing my arm from around Meredith's, now sleeping form. "We can remove the tube now, right?"

"Her vitals are good," she smiles, looking at the machine before placing her stethoscope on Meredith's chest. "Breath sounds are equal," she murmurs before indicating for the nurse to hand her Meredith's chart.

"Teddy?" I question desperately.

"We'll take the tube out and have her started on 100% oxygen and see how she does with that," she whispers, looking directly at me, before making a fist and gently rubbing Meredith's chest.

"Meredith, can you hear me? It's Teddy," she starts. "Meredith, I really need you to wake up for me."

Meredith's eyes flutter open again and I can see, once again, she looks at Teddy with nothing more than confusion.

"Hi," she smiles at her. "Meredith, I promise you don't have to stay awake for long but I need you to take a deep breathe in and out for me so I can take this tube out. Okay?"

Meredith gives her a very small nod to indicate she has understood and I can now feel the tears streaming down my face.

She's awake. The day is actually here where Meredith is back home – safe, sound and awake.

Before, I can even register what is happening, Meredith is coughing violently as Teddy has already moved to the top of Meredith's bed and has removed the tube from her throat.

"Okay Meredith," she soothes, placing a hand on her shoulder.

I jump forward and take Meredith's hand again as Teddy moves back to the other side of the bed and the nurse places the oxygen mask over Meredith's face.

"Meredith, I need you to stay awake for one more second," Teddy whispers next to Meredith's ear. "Meredith," she whispers, rubbing her chest to wake her again. She finally opens her eyes again and I squeeze her hand in mine. I know it's natural for her to be this groggy but I want nothing more than for her to be awake so I can talk to her. I need her to know I'm alive. "Meredith," I hear Teddy whisper. "Can you tell me where you are?" she asks gently.

"Hosp…hos…" Meredith tries.

"That's good Meredith," Teddy assures her.

"Can you remember what happened?" Teddy asks hopefully but Meredith is quick to give a little head shake.

"That's okay Meredith," Teddy assures her, sensing Meredith's panic at not remembering.

"Can you tell me who this is?" Teddy asks, pointing at me. I sit with anticipation as Meredith's head slowly turns to face mine.

"No," she murmurs so softly, I almost didn't hear her.

"Mer, it's me," I whisper, feeling as if I've just been hit in the chest with a giant big brick. "It's me, Meredith. It's Derek."

"Derek," I hear Teddy warn me but my eyes don't leave Meredith's as she squints her eyebrows, trying to figure out whatever it is that's going on in her head.

"Derek?" she murmurs in a question.

Yes! She recognizes me!

I feel myself smile with relief as I stroke her cheek. "Yeah Mer, it's me," I whisper. She looks as if she's about to start crying and the last thing I want to do is push her. I know we can't talk about what happened now and I can't explain to her why I'm still alive so I whisper the only thing I should.

"Sleep Mer," I whisper soothingly, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "I'll be here when you wake up," I whisper, squeezing her hand one last time before her eyes flutter shut and she leaves me once again.

Only this time, I know she hasn't gone far and I know that she will be back…

**So, what do you think?**


	23. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Meredith's Point of View**

What the hell?

_"…stubborn…"_

Who is that I hear talking?

They sound very close, yet so far away.

_"You're defending her and…"_

Where am I?

What happened?

Oh god, my head.

It's pounding.

My throat…so dry.

The voices sound so familiar.

Is that an oxygen mask I feel?

What the hell happened to me?

Why does my body feel really funny?

Who is that?

_"All I am saying is that you may want to give her a call to say thank you."_

Who?

_"And all I am saying is that she knew where Meredith was for weeks and never bothered to tell me. I live with the woman Derek..."_

Derek?

I'm confused.

How can she be talking to Derek?

_"…I spoke to her every day and she didn't bother to tell me! So in my opinion, no, she is not entitled to a phone call!"_

Amelia?

Wait…she just said Derek, didn't she?

_"Keep your voice down. I know you're mad at Addison…"_

Addison?

Did she seriously just say Addison?

_"…but she's the reason that we could bring…"_

"I don't care Derek!"

"Uh," I groan.

Shit! That escaped my lips.

"Meredith?" I hear someone murmur.

"Derek," I croak through the oxygen mask. Is that really him?

I feel someone lift my hand and squeeze it tightly in theirs.

"Hey Mer," I swear I hear Amy whisper.

"Am…Amy…" I croak out.

"Yeah Mer, its Amelia," I hear Derek whisper. "Can you open your eyes for us?" he asks as I feel him stroke my cheek with his finger.

I'm confused. What happened? How can I hear Derek? Why am I lying on a bed with an oxygen mask over my face? What? Why? How?

"Derek," I hear Amelia whisper. She sounds so sad.

"Meredith," Derek whispers more urgently.

Right, open my eyes.

"Ouch," I groan as I my eyes begin to move but quickly shut tight when the light shines in my eyes.

"It's okay Mer," Derek soothes me, continuing to hold my hand as well as stroking my hair. "Just try again."

"Is your head sore Mer?" Amy asks gently.

"Head," I mutter quietly. "Throat," I add. It is so dry.

"Water," I hear Derek whisper.

"Please," I cry, finally able to open my eyes. And realize he was asking Amelia to get water.

"Hey, there you are," he smiles down at me.

Oh god, it's really him.

"Amy's pouring you some now Mer. It's okay," he whispers, leaning down to pull my mask down. "She'll be two seconds Mer, I promise."

"It's you," I murmur, unable to decipher a clear thought in my head. What else could I say? 'Why the hell aren't you dead?' He'd think I was bonkers. Mind you, he probably already thinks that.

"It's you too," he laughs and I swear I can see tears in his eyes.

It's really him. I can't take my eyes off him as he moves to adjust the bed into a sitting…oh shit. My eyes finally leave Derek's and I start darting around the room as I feel myself move from a lying position to a sitting position.

What the hell am I doing in hospital?

"Hospital?" I murmur as I catch site of Amy at my other side. "No," I croak.

"Yeah," she breathes, looking concerned as she holds a cup of water with a straw to my mouth.

"Sip slowly Mer," Derek warns, taking my hand again. I can feel his eyes on me and something about it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Ooh, cool liquid. That feels so good.

"Slow Mer," Amy whispers.

Every bone in my body is aching. My heart feels as if it's beating a mile a minute. I feel dizzy and light headed and then there is the constant pounding in my head but I don't care as the ice cool liquid hits the back of my throat.

"Nice?" Amelia asks with a laugh when a moan escapes my lips.

"Yeah," I sigh, suddenly feeling embarrassed, as I start taking in my surroundings again while she places the glass back to the side and Derek adjusts the pillows at my back.

"Comfortable?" he asks with a huge smile.

I nod unable to find the words. How do I talk to him? Why is he smiling like that?

"Amelia?" Derek questions. "Can you give Meredith and I a minute?"

"Sure," she nods with a smile. "I'll be right outside if you need me," she smiles, pulling me into her arms.

Ouch!

"I've missed you so much," she whispers in my ear, as I stare at the wall ahead. What do I say to that? "We're all really glad to have you back with us Meredith," she breathes, before she walks out the door.

I silently plead with her to stay but it is too late and now I am left alone in a room with Derek. We both watch Amelia leave and that's when I notice the side of the room is glass. Taking a close look at the nurses as they all stand around the nurse's station gossiping, all taking sneaking glances at me while they're obviously talking about me, I suddenly realize that I recognize some of the nurses.

"Meredith," Derek breathes, putting the oxygen mask back over my mouth but I yank it back down. "Meredith, I know it's uncomfortable…"

"Derek?" I croak. "What hospital am I in?" I ask with a plea. I ignore the pain in my chest as I focus on Derek's guilty expression. "What hospital?" I ask again, not caring how hard it is.

He moves once again to put the oxygen mask over my face again as a pained expression comes over his face. "Seattle Grace," he murmurs, watching me closely. "You're at Seattle Grace Hospital."

"Get out," I mutter, turning my head away from him.

"No, Meredith," he sighs, "We really…"

"Get out," I insist before my mask steams up from all the coughing.

"Just relax," he whispers, checking the machines beside me as I pull my hand from his tight grasp.

"I. Said. Get. Out." I continue. I won't back down on this, no matter how much he wants me to.

"Okay," he sighs, and I can tell just by the way he says it that it is the last thing he wants to do. "I'm going to go and inform everyone that you're awake and then I'll be back Meredith," he warns me, making his way towards the door. He keeps his eyes on me in the hope I'll acknowledge him and what he has said. But I won't. I can't. "We need to talk so I'll be back in thirty minutes. And I know you don't believe this now but I did this for you. I did what I thought was best for you."

Shit! I curse myself silently.

Why can't he leave me alone?

And why the hell did he think bringing me back to Seattle Grace was the best thing?

How could it possibly be for the best?

"Mer?" he questions from the door, sounding aggravated.

I just want some peace and quiet. I want my head to stop pounding. I want every bone in my body to stop aching. I want to not feel so weak. I want the nurses to stop gossiping as I feel their eyes burning into my back as they clearly talk about me. I want to know how my best friend could be dead one minute and alive the next? I want to know everything and yet, I don't.

How can that be?

"I'll be back," he whispers, coming forward hesitantly, placing a kiss on my cheek. I bite my cheek to hold in the tears. I won't react to him. "You have no idea how happy I am that you're awake."

Finally he's gone and I can let the tears flow.

* * *

I only have a short window which isn't making things much easier but I have to do this. I have to go. I just have to. My body has never felt this weak but even if it means getting down on my hands and knees and crawling out then I'll do it because I can't bare the idea of being here for everyone to watch me all the time.

I know Derek has everyone gathered to discuss the fact I'm awake so energy or no energy, I am out of here.

Someone has been shopping for me and bought me some new pyjamas and lounge wear. It was agony getting changed and I had to put my oxygen mask back on for a second before I decided to move. I was terrified about getting caught by the nurses but the nurses have been called in on a code which means I'm just about free.

As long as I am careful then no one will catch me. I just need to get out the door and jump in a Cab. Derek's left his coat and his wallet over the chair.

He won't mind if I borrow a few dollars for a Cab, will he? Technically it makes me a thief but I need to get out of here. I need to get away.

Grabbing hold of the chair, I store the cash in my pocket and begin to move towards the door, by leaning against the glass wall, concentrating on my breathing as I go. I feel a burning sensation in my chest but I don't care.

I don't care that I'm gasping for breath.

I don't care that I feel light headed and dizzy.

I do not care because I need out of here.

The hallway is empty which I would if I could, breathe a sigh of relief about. There's gurneys along the hallway which I can lean my weight on and drag myself along the long hallway. I have to stop every couple of seconds in order to control my breathing. I can finally see the double doors that will take me to the elevator. Maybe I had better take the stairs though. It might be safer. There will be less chance of me getting caught, as I know Derek has always been obsessed with elevators since I have known him, so the likely hood of him being in one is incredibly high.

Yes, I'm inches from the double doors. I can…

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" A voice I recognized instantly bellowed from the other end of the hallway as I lost my balance and everything went black…


	24. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Meredith's Point of View**

Oh shit! I'm in trouble.

Thirsty…

I can tell I'm already back on the hospital bed with the IV drips hooked up to my arm as well as having the blood pressure cuff attached to my other arm. I can feel the stickers holding the ECG leads in place on my burning chest, helping to read my heart beat. And then there's the bloody mask over my mouth to help me breathe. I shouldn't be dependent on oxygen. I'm a thirty two year old woman. The last thing I should be dependent on is oxygen. I shouldn't be lying here as weak as can be.

"Meredith," I hear him murmur urgently.

"Alex," I croak out.

"Care to tell me what you were thinking?" He groans.

"Thanks," I mutter, although it comes out a little hoarse. "Nice to see you too," I breathe, opening my eyes, trying to adjust to the bright light. "What happened?"

"You passed out," he whispers, looking down at me before looking at the monitors and writing stuff in my chart. "Meredith," he sighs, placing my chart on the table. "You are dependent on ninety per cent oxygen right now…"

Ah…

"I…"

Ouch…

"How you even managed to find the strength to do what you did, I will never know. But what the hell were you thinking?" He asks, a state of indifference crossing his face.

"I…"

Burning…

"We just got you back Meredith!" he shouts, beginning to pace the side of my bed, back and forth, taking my dizziness to a whole new level. "Do you have any idea what it would do to Derek if he came back to this room and found you gone?"

My head…

The burning…

"Meredith," Alex sighs, standing at the top of my bed. "He walked into that room with a huge smile on his face, telling everyone you are awake. Carolyn is crying tears of joy because you are finally safe and back here. Everyone is so happy! They need you now more than ever Meredith! And you bolt the first chance you get!"

I don't think I have ever seen Alex so mad. He doesn't get it though. No one could get it – no matter how hard they tried.

"Meredith?" he questions, looking as if he's finally got control of his anger. "Do you have any idea what it would do to Derek if he knew that the moment his back was turned, you got changed into the clothes Carolyn bought you, took money out his wallet and was ready to walk out of here?" he asks somberly.

Oh fuck!

He knows I took the money.

"Don't worry," he assures me. "I put it back. And as for this little escapade, Derek and the rest of them won't know you tried to leave here."

"Thank…"

"As long as you promise me that you will never do it again," he whispers and I can hear the warning in his tone.

My throat is so dry that I can't even muster an answer so I just do my best to nod.

"Wa…"

"What's up?" he asks, coming back to the side of the bed, taking my hand. Why do they all do it?

"Water," I gasp out.

"Shit! Sorry Mer," he whispers, turning to pour a glass of water for me.

I'm so thankful to him because instead of adjusting the bed, he scoops the top of my body up into a sitting position, pulling my oxygen mask down and holding the glass in front of me to sip out of. I feel really weak and I can tell my body won't even allow me the luxury of being able to hold my body up myself. Alex is there for me to lean on – thankfully.

"Better?" He asks me after I've taken a few sips.

"Yeah," I sigh, feeling relieved. How the hell can I still feel so tired? "Alex?"

"Hmm?" he questions, gently placing me back along the bed.

"Who changed me?"

"Into your hospital gown?" He laughs at me. "One of the nurses but don't worry about her opening her mouth. I've bribed her to keep quiet," he smiles at me.

"By sleeping with her?" I ask groggily as he places the mask back over my mouth.

"No," he chuckles. "I would never do that. What do you take me for?" he asks with a smirk.

"Course not," I mumble. "Alex?" I question.

"Yeah?" he smiles.

"When did they operate on my heart?" I ask, feeling as if air was trapped in my lungs.

Ouch…

"Four days ago," Alex answers, looking stricken. "Teddy had to operate because there was a lot of damage," he explains looking solemn. "Don't worry though," he quickly adds. "Teddy thinks you'll make a full recovery. It may just take some time."

"The pneumonia didn't help, did it?" I ask in a whisper causing Alex to look at me with shock.

"You knew you had it?" he asks perplexed, taking the seat by my bed.

"I suspected," I confess, opting to stare at the ceiling instead of looking at his hurt, confused expression.

"Why…"

"I'm scared Alex," I gasp out, still finding it difficult to talk. "I'm so scared," I cry. "I was so scared. It just…It doesn't go away."

"That's why you tried to leave," he states. "Meredith," he sighs, standing back up so I can see him.

"I don't know if I can do this Alex," I cry.

"I know," he whispers, gently sitting on my bed and pulling me in for a gentle hug. "But running isn't the answer," he soothes.

"Bullshit," I joke.

"No it's not, because the wisest woman I know taught me that," Alex murmurs. "I consider her a little sister."

"Big sister," I correct with a giggle. "I'm older."

"Only by a month," he says mockingly. "I'll always be your big brother Meredith. Always."

"Thank you Alex," I murmur.

"Sleep Meredith," I hear him whisper, but my eyes are already trying to slam shut and I feel myself drift into darkness once again.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View**

"What the hell happened?" Derek demands, as he comes running into the room just as I stand up from Meredith's bed. He's panting and out of breath, looking worried as he glances at Meredith before looking back at me.

Oh shit.

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying to play it cool.

Thanks a lot Meredith.

"I mean one of the nurses said they caught her outside this room…"

"She was coming to find you," I interrupt, thinking on my feet. "She wanted to see you. I managed to catch her and bring her back in here before she did any major damage."

"What the hell was she thinking?" He snaps, rubbing his hands over his face. He looks exhausted. "Why didn't you page me?" He snaps at me.

"I was about to but I had to get her oxygen levels steady and her blood pressure down as well as allowing the nurses to help her change…"

"Change?" he questions, looking perplexed.

Shit! Why do I always end up putting my foot right in it?

"Yeah," I sigh. "She found the clothes that your mom bought and decided to change before…"

"But she can barely hold her own head up with…"

"I have no idea how she did it man but all I know is that she managed it, causing her blood pressure go through the roof. She popped three stitches on her wound and her oxygen levels shot down but she's stable for now," I explain, hoping he doesn't yell at her for this. She's scared enough as it is without him having a go.

"Oh god," he mutters, watching her closely.

"She's fine now," I assure him. "It was just a blip."

"A blip that could have been avoided," he whispers, going around to sit on the chair by her bedside, on the opposite side of me.

"True but she was clearly desperate to talk to you," I lie.

I am so going to hell for this.

"She kicked me out the moment she discovered she's here instead of LA," Derek murmurs, looking directly at me.

"She's scared Derek," I confess. "She's confused. And let's face it, she hasn't been given any answers as to what has happened."

"We don't have any answers either Alex," Derek responds.

"True. But Meredith's not in a position to give them," I probe gently. "You are and if you really want to help her then you need to give her them."

"I know," he nods.

"She's in a lot of pain and she's scared," I reiterate. "She needs you to be honest with her. She needs the truth so she can start to make sense of everything and so the both of you can get onto an even keel and move on from this," I explain.

"And if I don't think she's ready?" he questions me.

"Ready or not, she has to know and if you don't tell her really soon then you risk losing her for good," I admit. "She needs this Derek," I repeat. If he doesn't tell her everything about Rachel and what he has been through the past year then Meredith will find it so easy to get up and walk away again. He can't let that happen.

Derek nods as if he finally hears what I've been trying to tell him.

"Her stitches are okay?" He asks me.

"Yeah, I fixed them up without any problems," I smile.

"Thanks Alex," he whispers, breathing a sigh of relief.

"She's still our Meredith, Derek," I smile. "She's still our Meredith."

"I know," he chuckles. "I know," he repeats.

"I'll leave you to it. Just page me if you need me," I murmur, walking towards the door.

"Thanks Alex," he says, looking a little better than he did when he came in.

"No need to thank me," I murmur. "She's my sister."

With that, I walk out the door leaving him to think about what I've said while I go to check on the rest of my patients.


	25. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thank You to everyone who commented on my last chapter. I hope you are all having a good Saturday and I hope you enjoy this update…**

**Derek's Point of View**

Right now, I don't think I've ever been so angry at my mother. I know she was right. I needed to leave Meredith's side for an hour, get a shower, a shave and grab something to eat. That's exactly what I've done but I hate the fact I have not been with her for the past hour. Mom promised me she would have me paged if she woke up but whether she is awake or not, I want to be there. I want it to be my face that she sees first. I want it to be me that she confides in. I want it to be me who she allows to comfort her. I want it to be me.

I know that's selfish. Alex did a great job of helping Meredith earlier but a small part of me had been envious that she had confided in him, not me. That much had been clear the moment I had walked in and seen the way he was holding her. It's stupid to be jealous because I know for a fact that Meredith and Alex see each other as nothing other than brother and sister.

However, when Alex walked out the door, all I could think was, 'How would I cope if Meredith fell in love with someone else?' How could I possibly deal with that? Would I even be able to pretend that I was happy for her?

It's stupid to jump the gun considering she isn't even out of the ICU yet but my mind can't help itself. My mind has had nothing but time to wander down various avenues. Avenue's that I hadn't even considered until they were sprung upon me when I had the free time to allow my mind to think. I get that I'm over thinking everything. I understand that I'm worried. Somehow, that isn't stopping me from doing it. I just can't help myself.

Somehow, I'm going to have to because Meredith needs me as her best friend, not someone who is desperate to claim his undying love for her. That just sounds way too corny but it is true. I really want to tell her because even if she doesn't feel the same way – which she probably won't – then I can find a way to accept that and move on but still find a way to have her in my life. It's the uncertainty of it all that's killing me but I can't be selfish here because Meredith's first priority is to recover and my priority is helping Meredith to do just that. I refuse to let her do this alone which I know she will try to do because if there is one thing that I know will not have changed is Meredith Grey's stubbornness. It's who she is. She's always been like that and it was one of the many reasons I fell in love with her.

Uh…stop it, Derek!

"Hey sweetheart," Mom smiles at me as she continues to knit whatever it is she's knitting. "You look so much better."

"Hey mom," I sigh, walking into the room, I have grown accustom to over the past week. "No change?"

"Still sleeping soundly," Mom whispers from the chair I usually sit at. I come forward and give mom a kiss on the cheek before leaning over the bed to give Meredith a kiss on the cheek too. "Dr Altman says that sleep is the best thing for her to be doing right now."

"Yeah," I nod, gently sitting on the bed beside Meredith's legs, taking her hand in mine. I always do this. It has become a habit. One I am learning to enjoy.

"Don't worry Sweetheart. She'll be awake soon," Mom assures me. I turn from looking at Meredith to see my mom smiling at me. "I heard a little story from one of the nurses ten minutes ago."

"Oh yeah?" I question, knowing what is coming.

"Apparently someone got herself out of bed by some miracle. She managed to get herself dressed and made it out into the hallway before collapsing. The nurse even mentioned something about stitches being popped," My Mom laughs.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask with shock. How could she laugh at something like that? "Mom, she is on 100% oxygen right now. She's supposed to be getting weaned off of it. The levels aren't supposed to be brought back up," I argue but Mom continues to smile at me. What the hell am I missing?

"Oh Derek," she sighs with a smile, placing her knitting beside me on the bed. "Don't you see? Don't you get it?"

No, I clearly don't!

Mom must see my confusion as she decides to continue. "Derek, what do we always say about Meredith? She has fire. She fights for what she believes in but she is also…"

"…stubborn," I finish for her, feeling a smile play on my lips.

"Meredith is barely awake from heart surgery and is already insistent on getting ready herself and going a walk to find you," My mom laughs lightly. "I'm not saying it isn't serious or what she did is right but for me, it means that my daughter is still in there, fighting like she always has. To me, it means that she has a long recovery in front of her but she'll get there. She may have been wrong today Derek," Mom sighs softly. "But it has given me hope because the feisty girl we all fell in love with all those years ago is still in there."

"That's true," I nod with a smile. "I never really thought of it like that."

"That's because you are so worried about her," Mom observes, "Which is more than understandable."

"Thanks mom," I murmur.

"Nothing to thank me for," Mom shrugs. "Now, did Mark take you down stairs for something to eat?" She asks me expectantly.

"Of course," I chuckle. "He told me he was under strict instructions from you that if I didn't eat then he was to force feed me."

"That boy," Mom says, making a tutting sound. "I said no such thing."

"Yeah right," I mock lightly.

"Derek Shepherd, you do not mock your mother," She chastises me lightly.

"I'm not." I feign innocence.

"Uh-huh," she nods, giving me a knowing look.

"What? I'm not," I defend myself, trying not to laugh.

"You're becoming as bad as Mark," she laughs.

"Hey!" I breathe in shock. "That's low mom. That was low."

""You're two peas in a pod. Always have been and always will be," Mom smiles at me with a look of pride.

"That's not true," I try to defend myself, taking a glance at the monitor that is monitoring Meredith's OB's.

"It's true," Mom smiles. "Meredith knew that better than anyone and she hadn't even met Mark," Mom adds. "She managed to bring you two together the way no one else could."

"I know," I murmur, continuing to watch Meredith closely. Even though she looked as gaunt and unhealthy as ever, I could still see the Meredith I fell in love with all those years ago. "It's funny," I whisper.

"What is dear?" Mom asks me curiously.

"I used to constantly get at her for eating so much unhealthy food. I would have a real go at her anytime I found out she had cold pizza or left over grilled cheese for breakfast. Now, I would give anything to see her eat a slice of pizza or a big slice of hot chocolate fudge cake. She's so skinny Mom," I murmur sadly.

"She's malnourished Derek," Mom whispers. "It's to be expected of someone…of someone who…who has lived on the streets."

"I know," I sigh, reaching forward to grab Mom's hand with my free one. "We'll help her through it though. And let's face it, once she is home and smells your home cooking, there is no way we'll be worrying about her weight."

"Fudge cake," I hear Meredith croak from the bedside making mum gasp and stand from the chair as I turn to see Meredith's eyes flutter open. "See, I told you," I smile at Mom. "Not long out of surgery and she already wants your home made fudge cake," I whisper, keeping my eyes focused on Meredith who I know will try and move that oxygen mask any second.

"And brownies," she smiles through the mask.

"I think that can be arranged," I smile down at her.

"Hey Mom," she whispers hesitantly, turning her head slightly to face her.

"Hey sweetheart," Mom murmurs with tears streaming down her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," she nods slightly, going to move the mask.

"No, Mer," I assert. "That needs to stay on. Not enough oxygen is getting into your lungs without it," I whisper, continuing to watch her closely. She looks sad and unsure what to say next. She's going to start crying any minute if I don't steer the conversation onto a happy topic.

"Is there anything we can get for you sweetheart?" Mom asks, walking around to the other side of the bed and taking Meredith's other hand.

"No," she whispers, shaking her head slightly.

"Cristina's been in and out the past few hours to see if you're awake. She's desperate to see you," Mom smiles. "You know what she's like. She has to be the first in," Mom laughs and although I watch Meredith smile slightly, I am drawn to the fear I see deep in her eyes. "All the girls send their love," Mom assures her. "Amelia's staying here just now so hopefully, if you're up for it, you can see her a little later."

"Okay," Meredith nods but I can see the reluctance in her eyes.

"Are you sure there's nothing we can get you?" I ask her. I am desperate to do something to help. "Do you need some more pain relief? Do you want me to move the bed so you're sitting up slightly?"

"Si…sit..up," Meredith breathes.

"Okay," I nod, squeezing her hand as I move off of the bed to grab the remote and hit the button to tilt Meredith up slightly as Mom leans behind Meredith to adjust her pillows.

"There," Mom breathes, standing back. "Is that better?"

Meredith nods before she looks back at me.

"What's wrong?" I ask, feeling panic rise within me. "Do you want some pain relief?" I ask again as I see Mom hit the morphine pump before Meredith could even answer.

"Expla…expl…explan…" Meredith tries to get out but can't seem to muster the strength.

"Explanation?" I query gently, sitting on the bed just like before. "You want me to explain?" I ask her, as she looks between Mom and I with frightened, bulging eyes.

"Maybe now is not the right time for this," Mom whispers, clearly unsure that explaining things to Meredith right now would be the best move. But Alex's words from earlier still haunt me. I could run the risk of losing her once again if I don't tell her. None of us will be able to fob her off for long. Furthermore, she deserves to know the truth. If I keep putting it off and she doesn't get the answers she wants then that could add unnecessary strain. I can't do that to her.

"Please," Meredith pleads, glancing between Mom and me. As she makes that pleading sound, I feel my heart break at the sound. I can't deny her what she wants, even if it ends up hurting us both in the process.

"Okay," I sigh reluctantly, sharing a wary glance with Mom as she sits on the other side of me, mirroring my tense body as we both keep a firm grip of Meredith's hands.

"What…What happened to Michael?" Meredith breathes out looking panicked as Mom and I look at her stunned.

Oh Shit!

**Please, Please, Please, please, please, please, please, please comment….**


	26. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Cristina's Point of View**

I cannot believe Derek Shepherd could be so stupid. In fact, I can because he is stupid. He's a stupid brainless brain man who needs to learn to grow a pair. How could he be so stupid? Telling Meredith that Michael was dead has to be the most idiotic thing he has ever done. Three days ago he told her and since then Meredith hasn't uttered one word, and it is all thanks to the stupid brainless brain man.

I used to love when Meredith called him that. She called him that and a 'jackass' when she first met him. He had riled Meredith up badly. It was quite entertaining actually. Even then, we all knew there was something between the two of them. I was always convinced he would end up hurting her and three days ago I was proved right, or you could say that I was proven right when he brought that bitch Rachel into all of our lives. I mean just how stupid could that man be? I'm convinced he has no brain cells. If he's lucky enough to have one then you can guarantee that he shares that one brain cell with Mark Sloan. He's just as stupid as Derek. He has his charm to rely on while Derek has the hair to rely on.

Derek had a go at me for having a go at him. I think I hit a nerve but seriously, what did he expect? Did he expect Meredith to fall into his arms? None of us know who this Michael is and just what his connection to Meredith was. For all we know, they could have been homeless lovers. Although that does sound crazy, Meredith is a little crazy therefore it wouldn't surprise me. Derek looked hurt when I suggested they were lovers. I actually thought he was going to punch me with the look he had in his eyes but Mark hurried him outside to take him for a walk to get some fresh air. I know my words hurt him but I think I know what is eating away inside of him – Meredith asked where Michael was instead of asking about Derek. He'll never admit that though.

Here goes!

You can do this Cristina!

You are Cristina Yang!

Dr Cristina Yang.

"Hey Mer," I whisper, trying to sound chirpy. God, I feel pathetic. I must sound it too. "How are you feeling?" I ask the still figure, lying, curled up in the bed. She's been lying in the same position for the past three days – curled in the fetal position, staring out the window, not bothering to acknowledge or react to anyone who talks to her or touches her. Surprisingly, if you go to stroke her arm or squeeze her hand, she doesn't flinch nor does she respond to the touch. Derek says he would rather see her flinch because then we would all at least know that she knew we were there. Right now, we can't even be sure of that.

Correction – they aren't sure of that.

I know she is in there. I know she can hear me. I know she is being stubborn and trying to deal with this in her own way, by doing the one thing she does best – avoiding. Normally, I can cope with her avoidance. Only this time, her avoidance is pissing me off as I am standing here, trying to be nice and she is ignoring me, making me look like an idiot.

"Meredith," I murmur in a firm voice, walking round to the side of the bed where I could look into her eyes, that is, if she actually opens them for me. "Meredith!" I snap loudly making her jump slightly and open her eyes.

Glancing at her heart rate, I can see it is dropping slightly while her blood pressure is rising which is what none of us want but it may be the only way for us to get through to her.

"Meredith!" I snap again, watching the monitors closely before glancing at her to see that she hasn't even bothered to open her eyes. "Open your eyes Meredith," I demand.

"Cristina!" Someone hisses from the door. Turning, I see Derek standing in the doorway and he is looking both rather shocked and pissed off.

Crap!

"Can I have a word please?" He asks and I can tell he's doing his best to keep his voice low as well as trying to stay calm.

This isn't going to be good.

Making my way out into the hallway, I feel his eyes on me the whole time, except when I pass him in the doorway because I watch as he glances over at Meredith to check that she is okay.

"What the hell are you trying to do?" He demands, his eyes bulging with anger.

"She needs to snap out of it," I hiss at him, losing my cool. "She can't keep doing this to herself and to us! We can't pussy foot around her anymore Derek!"

"Snap out of it? Pussy foot around her?" Derek asks me, looking bewildered. "This isn't something that she can just snap out of Cristina," he breathes, staring me down with a curious look. "You can't seriously think it is that simple Cristina?"

"Think about it," I sigh, hating that I was caught. I wanted time alone with Meredith so that I could get through to her. I shouldn't have to explain my actions to him. "This is the exact same way she was before the accident. It was a month before you could even get her out of bed…"

"It would have happened sooner if I had been there Cristina," Derek sighs, looking sad.

"Yeah, it would have if you hadn't listened to that whore of yours!" I snap. "And if you just had went out and got a bloody back bone so you could have stood up to that bitch for once then none of this would have ever happened!"

"Excuse me?" Derek asks, looking taken aback. "Are you blaming me for this?"

"What is going on here?" I hear Mark ask as he comes to stand beside Derek and I. Derek has both a look of shock and regret written across his face.

"How dare you!" He seethes at me. "You have no right Cristina!" He snaps "No right!"

"What the hell is…"

"Shut up Mark!" Derek and I shout at the same time.

"I don't have the right?" I seethe. "She is my best friend!"

"She's the love of my life!" Derek barks in my face, before turning his back on me, to rub his hands through his hair, clearly stressed out. I share a worried glance with Mark before he gives me a look of fury.

I'm speaking my mind. If they don't like it then that is tough because nobody is going to change the way I am and they are certainly not going to change the way I think and see things.

"She's the love of my life Cristina," Derek murmurs softly, as he turns back to face me. "She's the love of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret getting together with Rachel. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret not telling Meredith how I really feel about her. Cristina, she's the love of my life and I will do everything in my power to make sure that she gets through this," he whispers adamantly, staring me down as Mark watches his friend closely.

"If you want to get her out that bed and on her feet, you will have to fight with her, as well as for her," I explain.

"That makes no sense," Mark scoffs as Derek shares a gaze of uncertainty with him.

"Meredith doesn't respond to being babied," I start seriously. "What did you do on the day of the accident to finally get her out of bed?" I ask. "You fought with her. You were persistent and you didn't give up," I insist. "Only this time, you have to fight a lot harder, with her," I add. "She won't respond to pussy footing around her. You have to be harsh in order to get a reaction Derek," I sigh. "And if you don't do it then I will," I inform him seriously before I turn and walk down the hallway away from them.

I feel their eyes burning into my back as I walk away but I don't care. I know my best friend and I know what she needs. She needs someone to be tough with her, in order for her to discover that there is a reason for her to fight for the life she once had. Fighting with Derek made him confess his love for her so surely Derek will be able to argue enough with her to get her to reveal something that will help us, help her through this.

He has to be firm, otherwise we are all screwed…

* * *

**Mark's Point of View**

"She's right," Derek sighs as we sit at one of the canteen tables with a steaming cup of coffee in our hands.

"Right about what?" I ask, unsure of what he is getting at. Sipping my coffee, I watch as my best friend looks to the floor with nothing but sadness written all over his face.

"It's my fault," He sighs. "I knew what Rachel was like. I shouldn't have…"

"Hey!" I interrupt, leaning forward so only he could hear me. "None of this is your fault. You couldn't have known what Rachel was going to do. I'm pretty sure Meredith doesn't blame you either Derek. You fell in love and no one can blame you for that."

"I didn't fall in love," he whispers, staring off into space.

"What?" I question him.

"I didn't fall in love with Rachel," He sighs, finally looking me in the eye. "I think…I think…"

"You fooled yourself into thinking you were in love with her because deep down, you were convinced that you and Meredith would never happen," I finish for him as he suddenly looks bewildered.

"Since when has Mark Sloan become wise on matters of the heart?" Derek asks, making a scoffing sound.

If only he knew.

"Since I've watched you become gutless to tell the woman you love that she is the love of your life," I retaliate with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"Mark! It's Meredith," He argues defiantly, looking at me as if I'm crazy. "The chances of her feeling the same way are about one in a billion."

"Look man, I can't pretend to understand what you've been through and are still going through but from what I can see, luck is on your side," I sigh.

"Luck is on my side?" He fumes. "How the hell do you work that out?"

"Because we found her," I smile, still unable to believe it myself. We've had her home for a week and I still can't believe we found her. Derek stares at me trying to absorb the point I'm getting at. "Of all the places Amelia chose to work, of all the places Meredith could have been, of all the homeless shelters Sam and Addison help out at and of all the weekends we chose to fly out, we found her," I explain. "Derek, against all odds, she is here. She's home Derek."

"Where she belongs," he murmurs softly, staring at his cup of coffee.

"Exactly," I nod, enthusiastically.

"Do you think what Cristina said is true?" He asks me quietly, looking almost scared that I might not give him the answer he wants to hear.

"Derek, the majority of what Cristina says is a load of…"

"But I did bring Rachel into our lives," Derek interjects meekly. "I was the one who…"

"Derek," I sigh. If I could kill Cristina right now, I would. As if Derek isn't suffering enough. She has to go and add to his worries. "Did you hold a gun to Rachel's head and tell her what to do?"

"No," he sighs, rolling his eyes.

"Derek, forget everything else. You can't be held accountable for someone else's actions. You only have one person to be focusing on and that is Meredith. Forget the rest of it. All you need to be doing right now is helping Meredith. She needs you and I can guarantee that she doesn't blame you. Who cares what other people's opinions are? Let's face it, Cristina's opinion's aren't exactly popular or true to real life," I scoff lightly as Derek looks bewildered. "What?"

"You're right," he smiles.

"I am?" I ask, feeling proud of myself. I don't exactly hear that very often from Derek. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard that from Derek.

"But so is Cristina," He laughs. "I know what I have to do," he smiles, bolting up from his chair and making his way out of the busy canteen like a bolt of lightning.

"What?" I call after him, but I have been too slow. What the hell does he mean by 'Cristina was right?' How the hell could Cristina Yang be right?

"Hi," I hear a familiar voice murmur by my side before they move to sit on the seat that Derek has just vacated.

"Hi," I stutter out, aware of how gorgeous her hair is in when it flows softly against her shoulders.

"So, did you ask him?" she asks me awkwardly.

"No," I sigh, hating how she looks instantly disappointed. "I know you want to see Meredith, Lexie but she isn't even talking to Derek right now, never mind anyone else. Derek just had to intervene between Cristina and Meredith as Cristina lost her temper and has had enough," I explain.

"Is Meredith okay?" Lexie asks me, clearly concerned.

"We don't know," I answer honestly. "She still hasn't said anything."

"Has she eaten anything yet?" She asks me, bright eyed and hopeful.

"No," I shake my head, feeling as worried as she looks. "I know you're desperate to see her Lexie and I promise I will ask but I have to do it at the right time."

"I know," she nods, fiddling with her fingers, obviously nervous – just like Meredith.

"You're so like her," I sigh.

"I am?" she asks with a small smile.

"You are," I nod, mimicking her smile. God, she is so pretty.

Bad Mark! So bad!

This can't happen again!

It would be bad! Very bad!

"Look, I know this is bad timing but I have to remind you that if by some miracle you are allowed in to see Meredith, then…"

"I know. I know," she repeats, rolling her eyes. "I am not to mention my Mom or Dad. I am not to mention how happy my childhood was and if I am asked to leave then I have to…"

"I'm sorry," I murmur sincerely. "I know this isn't easy. We're all just super protective of Mer," I shrug apologetically.

"I get that," she assures me. "But I'm not here to hurt her. I just want to get to know my sister. And I know that my father is the bad guy to everyone here but to me, he was wonderful," she smiles sadly. "He was the perfect father to me. He came to every dance and music recital. He attended my home coming dance and my graduation," she smiles with tears in her eyes. "He attended every parents evening and he was the one who said that I'll make the world's most perfect surgeon when I told him what I wanted to do with my life…"

"And that's great Lexie," I whisper, reaching across to take her hand and squeeze it. "No one is trying to take that away from you Lexie. We don't mean it to seem as if you don't deserve all those happy memories or that you're the bad guy here Lexie but you have to remember that Meredith never got any of that. Not even from her own mother," I explain gently. "When Meredith told her mother that she wanted to be a surgeon, Ellis laughed in her face and told her she didn't have what it takes."

Lexie looks at me with a shocked expression while holding onto my hand gently.

"I didn't know," she smiles sadly.

"Why would you?" I ask with a smile. "Look, you should know that if you really want Meredith in your life then you had better be prepared to fight your case," I tell her honestly.

"Fight my case?" She asks me, looking bewildered.

"Yeah," I murmur. "In order to have a relationship with Meredith, you'll have to convince her it is worth it. You'll have a case to fight because Meredith won't accept this so willingly. What I will say is that it will be hard work but when she lets you in, it is so worth it," I assure her. "She's one person who will always have your back," I smile knowingly.

"Talking from experience?" she asks with a smile as I quickly nod. "Do I want to know?" she asks.

"No," I laugh.

"I didn't think so," she giggles, making my heart leap.

However, she quickly looks nervous and starts to avoid eye contact again.

"What?" I question her, worried. I give her hand another gentle squeeze.

"Did you…you didn't…did you tell him?" she stutters out, watching our entwined hands closely.

"Tell who, what?" I ask confused.

"Did you tell Derek?" She asks me, giving me a suggestive look.

Oh!

"You mean did I tell Derek that bad thing that happened? That never really happened therefore can't be discussed?" I ask, chuckling.

"Yes…no…yes, wait…did you just say bad? You thought it was bad?" she stutters nervously again. She's blushing and I can't help but adore how cute she looks.

"No," I laugh. "It was memorable. In fact it was beyond memorable and no, I didn't tell Derek," I smile smugly, making her seem smitten. "I have a free hour right now," I smile at her suggestively.

"I really should get back," she whispers, biting her lip the way Meredith used to do when she was around Derek.

"On Call rooms on the fourth floor aren't being used right now," I smile suggestively.

"Meet me there in ten minutes," she whispers before jumping out of the chair and dashing out of the canteen before I can say 'okay'.

This is so wrong. So very, very wrong but it feels so good!


	27. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Derek's Point of View**

I don't know which part I hate most – the fact I have to do this or the fact that I am actually agreeing with Cristina Yang. Okay, doing what I am about to do has to be what I hate most but agreeing with Cristina Yang has to come in at a close second. Better yet, the fact Cristina Yang gave me this idea comes in at a close second. The only other time Cristina and I have agreed is when it came down to how painful it was when Meredith was missing.

It's eating me up inside to know that Meredith is in pain and what makes matters worse is she is shutting herself out from everyone who is trying to help her. She won't eat. She isn't sleeping. She isn't even talking. Everyone is worried about the fact that she isn't eating because the longer this goes on, the further she is slipping away and causing more complications with her post-operative condition. I can't allow her to slip like this.

I think the part that is eating me up the most is; I have no idea who Michael was. I have no idea what his relationship with Meredith was – which worries and scares me the most. Do I really want to know? He was another man in Meredith's life. Is it him she wishes to be alive instead of me? I dread to think the significance he had in her life. Of course, I can't admit that to her.

I hate what I am about to do because I am about to say things I don't think but I know it is what I have to do to break down the walls she has built around herself to protect herself from everything and everyone. I can't allow her to do that - especially when we just got her back. She has to know there is a better solution, such as talking to me. But then, what if she's frightened to talk to me? What if she no longer trusts me? What if she doubts me as I was the one who brought Rachel into all our lives?

This isn't about me though. It's about Meredith and I need to do this for her.

**Meredith's Point of View**

Why is it no one can understand that I want to be left alone? That's all I want. Is it too much to ask?

Everybody has been in to give me a 'pep talk' – Carolyn, Amelia, Mark, Alex, Bailey, Owen, Izzie, George and, of course, Derek. However, it's still hard for me to believe that he is really alive. Never mind that he is in the same room talking to me. I still don't understand what the hell happened. I know Rachel did something but I can't get my mind to concentrate enough to figure out what she did. And frankly, right now, I can't allow myself to care.

I'm trying to focus on Michael and what happened with him. I can't remember much of that day. Everything happened so fast – most of it is a blur. Every time I do try and really focus on that day, I end up clutching the oxygen mask on my face and gasping as I fight to regulate my breathing. I don't know what is wrong with me but I can't focus and I can't concentrate.

I feel so useless.

I feel so cold.

I feel so lonely.

I feel empty.

I feel clueless.

I feel to blame.

Basically, I feel like a failure.

"Meredith," I hear a familiar voice breathe from the doorway. His voice sounds pained but I can't allow myself to care. I won't allow myself to care. In the long run, it will be best for him. It will be best for all of them.

"Meredith," He tries again, seeming rather persistent and determined for that matter. I sense him making his way into the room, around my bed to stand where my face is lying.

Breathe, Meredith. Breathe.

"Meredith," He sighs, crouching down to my eye level. He leans on the bed and I can feel his eyes on me but I make sure my eyes focus on a point on the wall behind him. I can't make eye contact with him because I know I'll melt.

Go away Derek. Please, go away.

"Mer," He smiles sadly at me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. My hair must be so greasy and yucky as I haven't been allowed to shower. It's been bed baths from nurses I vaguely recognise. The little dignity I had left officially disappeared when I became homeless so when it comes to bed baths, I just block out everything and everyone.

It's amazing how nurses want to chit chat about anything and everything when they are giving you a bed bath. This morning, it was about how sweet Derek was. They went on and on about how lucky I was to have someone like him who cares so much. Then they kept saying he really was Dr McDreamy.

It was just not what I wanted to hear.

"I need you to talk to me Meredith," Derek insists, as I make a huge error. I make the mistake of glancing his way. I quickly move my eyes back to a spot on the wall but not before I see a small smile crease Derek's lips. "I saw that."

I want to smile. I want nothing more than to fall into his arms but I need to fight against that feeling. He and everyone else are better off without me. I thought that when the accident happened and that hasn't changed, despite the fact that Derek is alive.

"Come on, Meredith," he pushes me, whilst lifting himself up and sitting on the chair beside my bed. "You can't go on like this…We…we can't go on like this. You have to talk to me Meredith because I am done with the silence," he argues without raising his voice.

No. No. No!

I'm not giving in.

"Okay, I suppose this is the best way for you to prove your Mom right," he whispers. What the hell is he on about? "Your Mom always said you were weak and if you want to prove her right by lying here and staying mute then who am I to argue," he breathes, crossing his hands over his chest and staring at me while I look into his eyes, in sheer shock.

Did he really just say that?

**Derek's Point of View**

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. She is looking at me through big, sad eyes and I'm the one hurting her. But how else can I pull her out of the shell she is living under? I want nothing more than to pull her into my arms but she won't allow me to. She won't allow me to help her through this.

"Coward," I mutter, wincing. I can't do this. I shouldn't be saying this.

She doesn't even flinch nor does she look at me.

Crap!

"Okay, if you want to lie here and feel sorry for yourself then that's fine. If that's what you really want to do for the rest of your life," I murmur, watching her closely. "I doubt you'll ever be discharged from the hospital though," I add, knowing that will panic her, even if she doesn't show it.

"Poor, sad, Meredith," I whisper as I feel my chest tighten. Ouch. I watch closely as the machine on the other side of the bed begins to beep as it indicates her blood pressure is rising.

"I know what you're doing," She murmurs, still staring at the wall. "And it isn't going to work."

"You've left me no choice," I admit painfully. "I want nothing more than to talk to you but you have made it clear you don't want to so there's only one more thing for us to do. Argue," I whisper, feeling a new sense of determination. "If you don't want to talk then we will do the next best thing to that. We'll argue," I explain. "So come on," I urge. "Let's do what Grey's do best!"

Standing from the chair, I begin to pace thinking about what to do next. What the hell am I doing in the first place?

"I'll even go first," I start. "I know you must blame me! After all, I was the one who brought Rachel into our lives. I didn't pay close attention between you and her. I knew you didn't really get on but I thought you at least tolerated each other. I then find out that she even threatened you. I knew none of that and it terrifies me that you didn't feel you could come and talk to me about it," I whisper sadly. "I don't blame you for blaming me Meredith. I wasn't there for you when you needed me most but I am here now. I'm here to help," I insist, watching her closely, standing at the bottom of the bed. "Amy didn't mean to break your confidence. She had to tell me so if you want to yell and argue at someone for it then argue with me," I demand.

Come on, Meredith. At least if you argue with me, I know you are in there. I need you to argue with me.

Nothing.

"You've missed so much Meredith," I confess. "There were times where all I wanted was you and it was eating me up inside that I didn't know where you were and if you were okay…That was the worst part. Not knowing if you were okay. Mom was the same. She missed you so much," I whisper. "You're her daughter. For the first few months, she couldn't stop crying," I continue.

Nothing.

"She was a great help when I was recovering. The wheel chair was a horrible thing to get used to but thankfully I didn't have to get used to it for long. Mom even moved in with me. She was a trooper. I felt so bad that she had to go through that. I felt bad that she had to help me while she was hurting so much. Everything was my fault Meredith. Not yours…."

Did I hear right?

Did she just murmur, 'Stop it'?

Am I getting through to her?

"If I had been there after you had quit instead of leaving you then none of this would have happened. The accident wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't be lying here after having major heart surgery." I murmur. "The accident wasn't your fault Meredith and as for what Rachel did…I'll never be able to forgive myself for what she did to you…and to Mom. We all needed you Meredith and it's because of Rachel, you weren't here. I hate what she has done to us…to all of us…especially you," I whisper.

Nothing.

I'm getting nowhere here.

"Okay, your turn," I breathe, trying to smile even though I know she isn't looking at me. "Anything you want to say? Anything you want to tell me?"

Nothing.

"Meredith, please," I sigh, pleading. "I feel like I'm losing you again."

Nothing.

"For god sake," I mutter, losing my cool. "Do you have any idea how much I've missed you? Do you have any idea how much I still miss you? Who am I supposed to moan to when Mark wants to go out drinking and have me as his wing man? Who am I going to talk to when my sisters are driving me around the bend? Who the hell are you going to talk to Meredith?" I argue, losing my cool.

Nothing.

"Who am I going to moan at about the fact my mother walked into my room just as I'd woken up from a dirty dream and seen me with a huge, flipping boner Meredith? Who am I going to talk to about that Meredith?" I ask vehemently, storming towards the door. 

Wait…what?

I feel myself being pulled back by a sound. I turn to see Meredith facing me. She's giggling. She's actually giggling.

Music to my ears.

"It's not funny," I inform her, crossing my arms over my chest, but watching her, it isn't long before I'm chuckling hard. It feels good.

Scarily, I even begin to feel relief.

I don't know how it happens but one minute I am standing in the doorway of Meredith's room and the next I'm sitting on the bed, lifting Meredith and pulling her in for a hug.

"I've missed you," I whisper softly, in her ear.

"I've missed me too," she giggles in my ear, making me laugh even harder.

"I've missed you too and for what it's worth…I don't…blame you," she whispers softly, after a moment. I don't want to let her go but I know I have to because this isn't exactly a good thing.

"Thank you," I murmur. Gently, I hold her close with one arm while I prop up her pillows with the other and then gently ease her back onto them.

She looks unsure. Should I sit on the chair by the bed? Should I go? Should I…

"He has a family," she murmurs softly, twiddling her thumbs.

"What?" I ask, unsure, watching her monitors closely. She's pulled the oxygen mask off and considering she hasn't eaten in quite a few days. She hasn't even been able to move from the I.C.U yet.

"He has a family," she whispers, looking at me closely. "He left behind a family."

"Michael?" I ask gently.

"He told me all about them," she smiles sadly. "I never told him anything about you guys," she confesses, breaking contact with me. "I couldn't…It was too hard…He told me so much and in turn…"

"It's okay," I whisper, trying to soothe her.

"It's not," she whispers, looking back me. "It's really not," she coughs.

"Meredith…I…who is Michael?" I ask, watching her reaction to my question, closely.

"He was a good friend," she shrugs.

I hope to god she didn't hear me breathe a sigh of relief there?

"He was great company for me. I spent a lot of time with him," she whispers, looking as if she is about to cry.

"I'm so sorry Meredith," I murmur sincerely.

"It's not your fault," she smiles at me with a small shrug. "Just one of those things."

"Take it from me, you were a great friend to him," I smile at her. "I should know." She smiles at me and for once I feel as if everything is okay.

"We can talk about it all but there is one thing we have to do first…"

"No, no," she breathes, shaking her head.

"Mer…" She needs to eat. She can't refuse to eat.

"There's one thing I have to do first," she insists.

"What's that?" I ask, once again, feeling unsure.

"Take the mickey out of you for your mother catching you with a boner, "she giggles loudly.

"Not funny and not fair," I laugh, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, please," she mockingly pleads.

"I'll make you a deal," I smile. "I'll let you make fun of me if you eat," I suggest.

"Fine," she whispers. "But can I have…"

"I've already ordered your dinner," I smile at her as there is a knock on the door.

We both turn to see the pizza delivery guy at the door of Meredith's room.

"How did he sneak in here?" I ask aloud.

"I'm having pizza after heart surgery?" she asks with a small smile.

"A couple of small slices," I warn her as I pull my wallet out and go towards the door. "I meant it Meredith. And no telling Cristina or Teddy for that matter," I add.

Ten minutes later and Meredith has demolished three slices of pizza. I warned her only to have two but she then threatened to tell the sisters about what happened with the boner and as much as that humiliated me, it was the giggle that pulled me to say yes. She looks content – finally.

**Carolyn's Point of View**

Finally. They're laughing together. They're smiling together. They're happy together. They're together. I know Meredith shouldn't have had any pizza but if that's what it took to make her happy and to get something in her stomach then who can complain?

This is what she needed. This is what he need as well. And this is exactly what I needed to see and to hear. I kind of feel like an amateour spy, standing at the nurses' station of the I.C.U, watching them. They can't see me, thankfully.

When Mark had called and said Cristina and Derek had argued, I became instantly worried but by the looks of things, it has pushed him into pushing Meredith.

Words can't explain how happy I am right now. Maybe things really will be okay now.

"Carolyn," he whispers, from the hallway entrance to the I.C.U.

"Tom," I smile softly at him. He looks so handsome in his dress shirt and trousers. He's even holding flowers in his hand.

"Everything okay?" He asks me with a look of worry in his eyes.

"Everything is just perfect," I smile genuinely as I turn to look at Meredith and Derek through the glass window one last time.

"Are you ready to go?" He asks me unsure. "We have reservations for 8 but I can postpone…."

"I'm ready to go," I breathe, as I link my arm in his.

"Good," he nods, looking relieved. "I've been looking forward to this all day," he smiles.

"Me too," I nod. "Me too."

And for once, I walk out of Seattle Grace hospital feeling nothing but happiness. Everything was okay and everything will remain okay as long as I have anything to do with it.

**Please let me know what you think?**


	28. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Derek's Point of View**

"Mer, we have to talk," I sigh, walking into her room. She can't keep doing this. "I…God…Are you okay?" I ask her, feeling my heart beating faster. My eyes instantly go from her pale complexion to the irregular beatings on the monitor, then to the fact that she can barely keep her eyes open.

"She's fine sweetheart," I hear my mother murmur as I sit on the bed and take Meredith's hand in mine. She still looks so pale and then she's…

"Why is her hair wet?" I demand, turning to see me mother in the bathroom doorway but quickly turn back when I hear Meredith groan. "What did you say Mer?" I ask, much more softly.

"Shower," she mutters, with difficulty from behind the mask.

"You gave her a shower?" I turn and ask my mother as she gives me a stern, warning look.

Uh-oh.

"Derek Shepherd, watch your tone," she warns. "You have no right to snap at me. And for your information, no, I did not give Meredith a shower. The nurses did. Meredith was keen to have one so I asked Dr Altman and her physical therapist if it was allowed and Dr Altman signed off on it. She did warn us that it would weaken Meredith significantly but after an hour or so on the oxygen and she will be fine," My mom explains calmly.

"You should have waited for me," I tell her as I turn back to face Meredith to see her smiling behind the mask, even though she still looks ill. "What?" I ask, aware of how surprised I sound.

"Something's never change," she murmurs and Mom and I laugh before I lean down and give her a gentle cuddle. As I pull back, I see the strain on her face and I know she is in pain.

"Pain?" I probe gently, aware that she can still be as stubborn as ever at times. She shakes her head only proving she's still as stubborn as ever.

"Sweetheart," we hear Mom murmur in a warning tone. I smile at Meredith as she smiles back at me, aware that if she doesn't admit to being in pain then Mom will most definitely have a point to make.

"A little," I can hear her confess.

"I'd say much more than a little if the grimace that's over your face is anything to go by," I smile, ignoring the worry I feel. "I'll go get the nurse. You need something stronger than just morphine and tramadol."

"Der…"

"No arguments Meredith!" My mother and I say at the same time. My Mom and I share a small smile before both turning and staring Meredith down.

"I'm being ganged up on," she mutters, crossing her arms over her chest and pouting, like a petulant child in a mood.

"It's for your own good," Mom assures her, as I watch her take the seat by Meredith's bed.

"I'll be back in a moment," I whisper, enjoying watching them both sit so close to one another. I've never seen Mom looks so happy and relaxed. Everything is finally falling into place.

Mom and Amelia are acting as if all their Christmases have come at once, with Meredith being home. I'm just not so sure that Nancy, Kathleen and Sophie will be the same. Thankfully, they're not my priority. They're Mark's and it is up to him to keep them away from Seattle for as long as possible – at least until Meredith gets home. Poor Mark. It is not a task I envy him taking on. It's the last task I want to take on right now.

* * *

**Meredith's Point of View**

Ugh… I hate this. I hate this feeling when the drugs have knocked you out and you're just coming round. It's like having the flu without dealing with all that green gunk.

Literally.

I suppose the good thing is that my chest doesn't feel so tight. I hate that I only had a shower and it was enough to make my whole body weak. I shouldn't feel this weak but I do and I really should be used to it considering how weak I became, living on the streets.

"You okay?" I hear Derek whisper by my side.

"How do you know I'm awake?" I ask, feeling myself smile, not bothering to open my eyes.

"Your breathing," he breathes and I can tell without looking, that he is smiling.

I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to see him sitting on the chair by my bed, smiling at me. Oh, how I missed that smile.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asks gently, standing up to lean over me and pull my oxygen mask off my face.

"I'm fine," I assure him.

"Can I get you anything?" He asks, fluffing my pillows.

"You're hovering," I state the obvious as Derek finally pulls back to look at me.

"I'm just trying to take care of you Meredith," he sighs, sitting on the bed, facing me.

"I know you are," I whisper, taking his hand. "Are you okay? Is something bothering you?"

"I'm fine," he smiles at me but I can tell he isn't as his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes this time.

"What's wrong?" I push, feeling my concern grow within me. "Is it Rachel?"

"What? No," He shakes his head vehemently. He seemed surprised when I mentioned her name. "Derek," I sigh. "You know you can talk to me about her," I assure him. I'd rather not hear her name ever again. Especially from Derek's mouth but I can't exactly say that to him.

Strangely enough though, I don't want him talking to anyone else about her. I want him to confide in me so if it means that I have to hear her name then I will because I really want to be the one he turns to.

"I know," he nods. "But I'd much rather talk about you."

"Me?" I stutter out, feeling myself blush slightly. I hope he doesn't notice.

"You okay?" He asks me, looking concerned. "Your cheeks are rather flushed," he states.

Shit.

"Uh…It's just…it's very hot, in here," I splutter out, using my hand to fan my face.

"Really?" He questions, looking skeptical as he uses the back of his free hand to feel my forehead and cheeks. "You feel a little warm," he whispers. "I'll go get a thermometer," he smiles at me, getting up from the bed.

"Derek," I grab his hand. "There's no need. I'm just a little warm," I insist, feeling myself lose my patience. I'm sick of being treated like a baby.

"Mer, please," he pleads. "Just let me do this. I don't want to take any chances. I'll be back in a second," He assures me, squeezing my hand before letting it go and walking out of the door.

I hate the hovering. I absolutely detest it but I know I have to allow him to. After all, I was the one who left him behind. I owe him this.

"Got it," he smiles, coming back into my room, thermometer in hand.

"Okay," I nod as he comes round and sits on the bed again, leaning forward to put the small probe in my ear.

After a minute, he seems relieved. "Normal," he smiles broadly at me as he checks the reading after it beeps.

"Told you so," I murmur. "Derek," I sigh. "You really don't have to worry."

Silence.

Derek's face has suddenly become serious in such a way that it sends a shiver down my spine. He doesn't look mad thankfully but there's something about the serious look on his face that I don't like. His eyes are set on mine showing that he is determined.

"I do," he mutters seriously, standing back up again to move towards the window. "I really do," he insists.

"Derek?" I question hesitantly.

"You were fucking homeless Meredith!" he snaps making me flinch. "You have just had heart surgery. You've barely spoken about what happened and even when we try and talk about it, you focus on me and avoid every question about you…"

Oh, he noticed that.

"…You have fired three nutritionists within the space of five days Meredith! You have…"

"I don't need a nutritionist," I argue gently. I'm trying to remain as calm as possible which isn't easy when he is snapping. Sometimes, I used to be convinced that Derek and I were born to fight.

"Homeless Meredith," he mutters, watching me closely.

"I don't need a nutritionist Derek," I repeat for emphasis. Okay, I have fired three of them and I'll keep firing them because I don't need one.

"Homeless, Meredith," he repeats again, continuing to stare me down, making me wince once again.

"Why do you keep saying that?" I snap.

"I want to hear you say it," he whispers, with a determined glint in his eye. "I want to hear you say those words."

"What?" I ask, stupidly. I know what he wants me to say but how can I say it? The moment I say it out loud, I will have to then face it and that is the last thing I want to do.

"I want to hear you say 'I was homeless…' " He whispers softly but I can tell by the look on his face that he isn't going to drop it.

Shit.

"Why? Why do you need to hear me say it?" I demand. "What's the point?" I slip out.

"What's the point?" he repeats my question, appearing shocked. "The point is Meredith, is that it happened and you need to acknowledge it if you ever stand a chance of fully recovering and moving forward with your life."

No. No way.

"I can't," I mutter, staring at my hands. I can't look at him because I could swear I see a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

"Why not?" he prods, much more gently, as he sits across from me on the bed.

"I don't need a nutritionist, nor do I need a physical therapist," I whisper, changing the subject. "I'm recovering from heart surgery not from a severe case of encephalitis. They're not necessary."

"Oh, they're necessary," he argues softly, pissing me off. "You're malnourished…"

"I am not…"

"Homeless," he interrupts me. "Say it," he demands.

"Derek, I swear…"

"Say it," he interrupts again.

He can't be serious. How the hell doe's me saying it help him?

"I can't," I confess.

"Why not?" he asks gently, taking my hand but I'm quick to pull it away. That was stupid, considering I now sense his hurt but it was an automatic reaction.

"I just can't," I whisper, shrugging my shoulders.

"That's not an explanation Meredith," he pushes, in his typical Derek style. "Why can't you say it?"

"Just because," I shrug my shoulders again, aware I was probably coming across like a petulant child. Real smooth Meredith.

"Come on Meredith," he whispers, trying to be encouraging.

"You're aware what you're asking me to do right?" I ask him, finally making eye contact and I can see his facial expression change from one of concern to one of contentment.

"I am asking you to face what has happened," he smiles sadly. "I know it is big and scary. I know that you don't want to…"

"I…"

"You'd rather hide under your banner of avoidance," he chuckles, knowing what I was about to say. "I know," he assures me. "But you have to do this."

"Why? Why do I have to do this?" I persist.

"Do you want out of this ICU room? Do you want to be discharged? Do you want to try and build your life again?"

"No," I whisper adamantly.

"Really?" he questions sarcastically. "I suppose you don't mind nurses having to give you a shower and then ending up in bed with an oxygen mask over your face because the little energy you had was used for taking a shower? I suppose that doesn't bother you?"

I shrug my shoulders, unable to find my voice to argue with him. What does he want me to say?

"Meredith," Derek warns. When is he going to drop the issue? Why does he have to push this? Is it really such a big deal to him?

"Fine," I sigh. "I went away and now I am back," I smile mockingly. I look at Derek and I am surprised to see him fight the smile that's forming at the corner of his mouth.

"Very funny," he shakes his head. "Meredith," he breathes, taking my hand once again, much more hesitantly this time, though. "Where did you live?"

I mumble it so quietly so he can barely hear me.

"Meredith?" he groans loudly.

"I-lived-on-the-street," I spit out in detest as I feel tears build in my eyes.

Crap

"Thank you," he smiles at me, standing up and moving round to sit by my side and pull me into his arms. "Thank you," he repeats in my ear.

"Why are you thanking me?" I question.

"Because you've just done an incredibly brave thing Meredith," he whispers, holding me close to his chest and I can't help but sink into him. "You are so brave Meredith and I am incredibly proud of you."

"I'm not," I whisper, feeling defeat sink within my chest.

"Oh, you are," he murmurs. "I'm here Meredith. I'm right here," he assures me and right now that is all I need to know.


	29. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Lexie's Point of View**

Mark will kill me when he finds out that I am doing this. I've been warned time and time again not to, but my patience has reached its maximum. The sex from Mark has certainly helped distract me but now, I need to see my sister. Mark and Derek looked overjoyed when Teddy announced that Meredith was being moved from the ICU, to a private room on the surgical floor. The relief that came across Derek's face was surreal. One minute he looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and the next he looked like he was the happiest guy alive. Right now, I think it is safe to say, he is.

It wasn't until after Dr. Altman left that I found out that nobody had told Meredith that I was waiting to see her. I am a fourth year resident at Mercy West hospital and right now I am working my ass off there before coming straight to the hospital to sit and wait for news on my sister. A sister who is not even aware of the fact, that I have been sat outside her room waiting. Mark says he understands my frustration but I think that's just his way of fobbing me off. How could he possibly understand?

I am sick and tired of putting Mom and Dad off. They want to know how she is doing because they're concerned. They want to know that I have seen for myself that she is okay. I don't agree with the way my father behaved – not for a second. But I shouldn't be punished for something that my father did. I know it was a shock to Meredith when she found out Molly and I existed but surely getting to know one another isn't completely a horrific idea. I'm aware that what I am about to ask is a lot of her but all I want her to do is at least consider it.

Thankfully, Derek was making one of his trips back home so that he could grab a shower and get freshened up, as well as picking up some new sweats for Meredith. Now that she is out of the ICU, she is allowed to wear her own clothes. I can imagine that is a big relief. Most patients detest the idea of wearing the hospital nightgown – especially for long periods of time.

Nobody has ever really had a chance to have some one to one time with Meredith because Derek was practically living in the room with her. I would give anything to be in a room with her – with or without Derek. I've been patient. I've been understanding. However, enough is enough. I can't wait any longer.

"Going somewhere," I hear a familiar voice murmur from my side.

Crap.

"I was just watching her sleep," I lie, turning my head to look at Richard Webber. "I wasn't going to go in and disturb…"

"Liar," he smiles warmly at me. "You're far more like Meredith than either of you realise," he whispers as he walks towards me, so no one else can hear him.

"I've not been given the chance to realise it yet," I scoff.

Shit.

The words were out my mouth before I even thought about what I said.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, watching Richard Webber's face closely. "I know that must sound insensitive. Especially under the circumstances but I…"

"On the contrary, it is more than understandable," he whispers and there's something about the way he says it, that comforts me. "The past week can't have been easy for you," he murmurs, leaning against the gurney that I am sitting on.

"Thank you," I breathe, turning back to look at Meredith. "She looks so peaceful. You would never tell…tell…that…."

"That she has been to hell and back?" Chief Webber finishes for me. "Meredith is one feisty woman. If anyone can survive this, it's her."

"Do you think she'll ever make it back to being the person she was?" I ask hesitantly, unsure whether I want the honest answer or whether I want him to reassure me and tell me all is and will be ok.

"No," he shakes his head. "She'll never get over what happened if she does that Lexie. It's about moving forward, not back. The journey will be hard but she'll get through it and come out the other side a much stronger person because of it," he explains, watching me closely. "I promise you that," he assures me.

"You can't promise me that," I shake my head.

"I can and I have," he nods firmly.

"How do you know?" I ask, unable to stop myself sounding sceptical.

"Because I know Meredith," he shrugs. "I see her like…she's my…I…uh…" Something in Chief Webber's demeanor changes and I realize what he is trying to say.

"You know because you know her well and as far as you're concerned, she is you daughter," I state, not needing to put it as a question. His face suddenly looks guilty and I feel bad for being blunt. It's not like I said anything bad though? "It's okay," I assure him. "I'm glad Meredith had you to rely on," I confess. "It's just…I…uh…"

"You want the chance to get to know her," he finishes for me. "That's not an unreasonable request Lexie. The circumstances just make it a whole lot more complicated."

"I'm sick and tired of people telling me that!" I snap. "I'm aware things are hard right now but I feel like I am being punished and held at arm's length because of my father's mistakes."

"Derek is incredibly protective of her Lexie," he whispers, basically stating the obvious. "I'm aware it hasn't been easy for you and I want to help because Meredith deserves a relationship with you and you deserve one with her so I have an offer that may help you with Meredith and with the rest of the family," he smiles.

"How do you mean?" I ask, unsure where he is going with this.

"How would you feel if I said the Chief Resident position, here at Seattle Grace was yours?" He asks.

"What?" I question him, unable to hide the shock. Did he really just offer me what I think he did?

"I'm offering you the position of Chief Resident at this hospital," he states seriously. "I'll allow you time to think about it but I have to warn you that if I don't have an answer within the week then…"

"I'll take it," I whisper as I watch Meredith scrunch her nose as she sleeps, blissfully unaware of what is going on outside her hospital room.

"You will?" Chief Webber asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

"I will," I nod. "I need to be here," I smile. "I want to be here," I finally assert, unable to take my eyes off of Meredith.

"Can I give you a piece of advice?" He asks me gently and I can feel his eyes on me, watching me closely.

"Sure," I murmur, knowing where he is going with this.

"When you go in there, there isn't a doubt in my mind that she'll push you away. It's Meredith's way of testing people. Keep coming back Lexie. Push through the walls she's built around herself," He explains.

"You're going to let me go in there?" I ask in shock. Is he actually allowing me into her room?

"Who am I to stop you?" He questions, smiling warmly at me. "I think it's safe to say that you've earned the right to go in there," he nods, making me smile.

I know my father cannot stand Richard Webber but if this man is the key to me having a relationship with Meredith then I am going to accept all the help he has to offer. I'll deal with the aftermath of it when it happens.

"Well, I had better go and get your paper work drawn up," he smiles. "Just drop by my office before you leave so you can sign on the dotted line. That's if you're sure that you…"

"I'm sure," I assert, smiling at him.

"Well, okay then," he smiles, outstretching his hand and I gladly take it. "Welcome to Seattle Grace," He smiles assuringly, shaking my hand before letting go." Good luck," he murmurs, patting my shoulder and I can't help but smile at him before he walks away.

"Oh, and Lexie," He whispers, turning back to face me with a serious look on his face. "Whatever you do, do not tell her about you and Sloan," he warns before heading down the hallway.

"How do you know about that?" I shout as my cheeks turn a bright shade of crimson.

"I'm the Chief!" he calls, not bothering to turn back around as he continues walking down the hallway. "I know everything!"

Before I can even think about denying it, he is through the double doors and out of sight. Perfect. Just perfect. My new Chief of Surgery knows I'm having regular on call room sexathons with his Head of Plastics. How embarrassing…

It's moments like this where I need a sister to talk to. Sure, I could talk to Molly but she stays in Chicago with her husband. It's hardly local. I really need Meredith. I really need her to be my big sister.

**Meredith's Point of View**

Oh god.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Derek already hibernates in my room with me. I am literally with him 24/7 because he will not allow me out of his sight. Why does he have to be in my dreams as well? He was in my nightmares when I was living on the streets and I was unaware that he was actually alive.

Why does his face have to be everywhere I turn? Why can't I even close my eyes without seeing him there as well?

Why do I have a weird feeling that someone is in the room? I bet it is him watching me sleep again. I can feel his eyes on me. I'd continue to pretend to be asleep but he knows that I am doing that. No point in avoiding the inevitable.

"What did your Mom cook for…" I stop as my eyes fully open and I see a young woman, looking hesitant as she sits on the chair beside my bed. She looks familiar but I can't quite place where I would know her from.

"Hi," she smiles warmly at me, as if she has known me her whole life.

"Hi," I stutter out, feeling awkward. "Are you waiting for Derek?"

"No, no," she shakes her head, smiling awkwardly. "I…uh…I'm Lexie."

"Okay," I nod, feeling like an idiot. Who is Lexie?

"Lexie Grey," she whispers, sounding a little more confident than before.

"Get out," I breathe, without even thinking about it. There is no way in hell that I am going to sit here and make small talk…

"I know you're mad and you have every reason to be but I have something to say and then I'll go like you've asked," she murmurs, standing up. "I can't believe what our father did to you…"

"He's not…"

"He's not your father," she whispers. "I know that and I don't blame you for hating him. You have every reason to hate him. He's not your father Meredith but I am your sister and I want to get to know you…"

"There is no…"

"Stop interrupting," she warns. Who the hell does she think she is? "I am a good person and I could be a good sister to you. I am not my father any more than you are."

"Really?" I mutter. "You could have fooled me," I breathe, wishing Derek hadn't thrown my magazines away; I could really use one to hide my face in and pretend not to be listening to her. She can't seriously expect me to sit here and listen to what she has to say?

No way!

"I'm not mad that Derek and everyone else have kept the fact away from you that I've been sitting around, waiting on the surgical floor since you've been found, wanting to meet you and see that you were okay," she whispers as I feel my blood boil. Derek knew she was here? "I don't hold it against them because they were trying to protect you. And I definitely don't hold it against you because you didn't know and it was their actions, not yours," She smiles sadly.

I am going to kill Derek for this.

"Lexie…"

What does she want from me?

"I don't hold their actions against you, especially since you didn't know so why should I be punished for something my father did and something I didn't even know about. I didn't even know you existed until a few years ago Meredith," she argues, staring me down. "By the time I had thought about it and was ready to meet you, you had vanished!"

"I…uh…" What can I say to that?

"I've accepted a job here at Seattle Grace so I'm going to be around a lot more Meredith," she smiles. "Feel free to push me away as many times as you want but I'll keep coming back because I want you in my life whether you like it or not," she breathes, smiling sadly and before I can utter a response, she has walked out of my room, leaving me speechless for the second time this month.

Did she actually have a point? Would I be stupid to push her away? I've never had a sister. I have never really wanted one. As far as I am concerned, I have all the family I ever wanted or needed. What would be the point of having her in my life? We're only connected by biology and if society has proved anything, it is that biology stands for nothing when it comes to making and keeping a family.

"Hey," Derek smiles, walking into my room looking refreshed. "Did you manage to get a few hours' sleep?" he asks, as he walks round my bed to dump a bag on the chair Lexie had just vacated, and to give me a peck on the cheek. "You ok?" he asks, seeming worried.

He must sense my mood.

"Oh great," I mutter, looking up at him. "I just met Lexie Grey," I admit and Derek's smile completely turns upside down.

"What…I…uh…"

"Anything you would like to tell me Derek Christopher Shepherd?"


	30. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Derek's Point of View**

Things have been rather tense between Meredith and I since Lexie made her way into Meredith's room seven nights ago. I don't understand why Lexie did it. Surely she understood that Meredith needed rest and not to be hounded by family members she hasn't even met before. Her entire family barely did anything to help when Meredith disappeared and yet she thinks it is okay to come swooping in and simply just ignore mine and Mark's instructions? I believe Lexie is a nice person. Furthermore, she is nothing like her father. However, that doesn't mean that she had the right to do what she did. She had no right barging in here and exposing our lie. It wasn't even a lie. It was merely withholding the knowledge of the situation in order to protect her. Meredith is the only person I care about right now. She is my number one priority. I make no apologies for that.

Besides, what was I supposed to do? Just come out with it and say, 'Hey Meredith, I know you've just woken from heart surgery and that you are trying to get used to being back in Seattle but I have to tell you, one of your long lost half-sisters has been sitting outside your room, waiting to meet you.' Yeah, right? That would have sent her blood pressure through the roof and quite frankly, I was aware of just how overwhelming everything was and still is for her. There was no way I would throw Lexie into the mix of things that Meredith already had to deal with.

I can't focus on that though. I can't focus on Lexie as I have to break the news to Mer that she gets to come home tomorrow. I assumed that if we reached this point that I would feel nothing but excitement. Instead, I am filled with a weird sense of dread.

I should be excited. Meredith is well enough to come home. However, all I feel is panic thanks to what I witnessed last night. I have already tried telling myself that I am being paranoid but I have given up because it is not working.

Last night, Mom had been going on about things they could do together once Meredith was discharged. Amy started rabbiting on about going on shopping trips and having girl's nights out. They were both so caught up thinking up things that they could do together, clearly so happy to be reunited, that they never saw the expression on Meredith's face. The moment Mom mentioned about coming home, she flinched. I could see exactly what her expression said – 'I don't have a home'.

By the time visiting was over and I had managed to usher Amy and Mom out of the hospital, Meredith had fallen asleep and I never had the chance to speak to her about the 'coming home' situation. Mom was assuming that she would want to come back to mine. She may be more comfortable at her old house. However, Meredith doesn't know that I bought back her Mom's house.

There are many things she is yet to know about and I dread the idea of having to tell her.

"Are you okay?" I ask gently, taking the seat by her bed. Watching her closely, I still can't get over how much better she looks. She has come so far. Thankfully her kidneys weren't as bad as originally expected and all she needed was a strong, long course of IV antibiotics. Food is still a huge issue, as she is still considered to be malnourished. Of course she is malnourished. She hasn't had a home cooked meal in a year and a half. All that will change once we have her home though.

"Fine," she mutters, continuing to stare at the same page of the magazine that she was staring at when I came in.

"Are you sure you are fine?" I ask pensively, inwardly groaning. Why the hell can't she see why I would keep Lexie being here from her?

"I said I was, didn't I?" She snipes, making me groan loudly.

"I know you're mad…"

"I'm not," she breathes, passive aggressively, aggravating me even more. When the hell is she going to listen to reason?

"Yes-you-are," I grit out. "And as much as I understand…"

"Big of you," she mutters under her breath.

"I've had enough of this Meredith," I warn her. I need to stay calm. I need to stay calm because getting angry and losing my cool isn't going to do her any good.

"Enough of what?" she demands, looking agitated.

"Enough of this tension Meredith," I sigh, snatching the magazine from her arms as I feel annoyed at the fact she still hasn't even glanced my way. "We need to talk."

"All we do is talk," she whispers smarmily, fidgeting with her hands, refusing to look at me.

"All I do is talk. All you do is snap at me," I correct. "We haven't had a conversation since…since…"

"Since I found out you have been lying to my face about Lexie being here?" she snaps, finally looking me in the eye.

"I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you," I defend myself. What can I say or do to fix this? Trying to make Meredith see that I was simply protecting her is impossible, considering Meredith doesn't believe she ever needs protecting. In fact she has made it clear on multiple occasions that she doesn't want anyone trying to protect her.

"That is such a cop out," she mutters. "You should have told me."

"When? When should I have told you?" I demand, feeling myself begin to lose my cool. Somehow, I could not help it. "When you had just woken up from major surgery? When I had to tell you that Michael was dead? When you wouldn't talk to anyone? When I had finally gotten you to talk to me? When Meredith? When?"

"Derek Shepherd!" I hear form the doorway. Meredith and I turn to see my Mom standing in the doorway with a bunch of flowers in her hands and a 'How dare you!' scowl on her face.

I am in big trouble.

"What do you think you are doing?" she demands, not taking her eyes off of mine as she dumps her handbag and the flowers on Meredith's side table.

"Mom, I am just…"

"I know exactly what you are doing," she states angrily. "What I want to know is, why you are going about it in this manner?"

Uh-Oh

"Mom," Meredith whispers. "Derek and I are just having…"

"Oh, I know Meredith," she scorns, looking down at Meredith. "You're both as bad as one another."

"What?" Meredith and I ask at the same time. We glance at one another before back at Mom.

"You're both as bad as one another," she repeats. "Meredith, you need to think about when Derek could have told you about Lexie. There honestly wasn't the best time but that doesn't mean he wasn't going to tell you and it doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel what you feel. However, when you feel that way, it is not healthy to keep it bottled up," Mom explains, giving Meredith an encouraging smile.

"See," I smirk at her. However, I quickly regret it as both woman turn and glare at me. I hate how they manage to stare me down.

"And as for you, young man," Mom starts. "I…"

"Don't you mean old man?" Meredith giggles.

"Hey," I whisper, automatically jumping on the defensive. "I am not old."

"Those grey hairs of you say differently," My Mother mocks, causing both Meredith and herself to giggle.

"Grey hairs? What grey hairs?" I demand, running my fingers through my hair before running into Meredith's bathroom. It's then I hear hysterical giggles and realize that they were joking. "Not funny," I seethe.

"That was hilarious," Meredith laughs uncontrollably. She is grasping Mom's hand as both their faces go red and tears stream down both their faces as they continue to chuckle.

"I am so glad that my hair amuses you," I mock.

"Oh, it's not your hair," Meredith giggles, trying to compose herself and failing miserably. "It's your vanity," she says between giggles as Mom bends over with hysterical laughter.

"Oh, charming," I murmur, unable to stop myself from smiling.

"You walked right into that one dear," Mom chuckles, standing a little straighter and looking me in the eye.

"You two are ganging up on me now. That is not fair," I mutter. Why does Meredith always have to take the girls' sides?

"Now, young…old man," Mom whispers, composing herself. "I have a bone to pick with you too," she whispers, staring me down as Meredith wipes the tears from her eyes.

"Oh yeah?" I ask with a sigh as I plonk myself back down on the chair, by Meredith's bed.

"Yes," she nods. "You left rather early this morning. Do you really think I am blind Derek?" She asks me, matter of factly. What the hell is she on about?

"Mom," I start, stupidly. "What the hell are you…"

"We don't say hell," Mom warns me pointedly. "And I am warning you Derek Shepherd, I raised you to respect your Mother."

"I do respect you Mom," I whisper, giving her a curious look. What point is she trying to make. "Did you hit your head this morning Mom?"

"Derek," Mom warns. "I am talking about you sneaking out of the house early this morning to come here and talk to Meredith," she sighs, as I see a flicker of hurt cross her eyes.

"Mom, I…"

"She flinched last night when I mentioned her coming home," she breathes. "I know."

"I didn't," Meredith pipes up.

"You did," Mom and I echo, glancing at her before facing one another across the bed again.

"Mom, I wanted to talk to Meredith about…"

"…About her getting home tomorrow," Mom finishes for me.

"What?" Meredith gasps. "I'm getting home tomorrow?" She looks between Mom and I with surprise. Way to go Mom!

"Yes," I sigh as I watch Mom's determined face turn to one of shock.

"You hadn't got around to telling her that bit?" Mom asks pensively.

"Nope," I shake my head, feeling anger rise that it has been let slip. I wanted to be the one to tell her. I also wanted to approach the topic gently. "I cannot believe…"

"Don't-you-dare-start-on-me-Derek-Shepherd," Mom mutters, staring me down, making me feel like I did when I used to steal the last cookie out of the cookie jar as a boy.

What has gotten into her today? She was fine last night. I didn't see her this morning because I snuck out the house, being sure not to disturb her.

"I wasn't blind to the way Meredith became agitated last night…"

"I wasn't!" Meredith shouts, clearly agitated.

"Yes, you were," Mom and I snap.

"Meredith Grey, you have flinched every time the word home has been mentioned," Mom scowls. "And as much as I understand, enough is enough. We are all getting nowhere here," she explains, composing herself. "You, young lady vanished from our family," she whispers, pointing at Meredith and I can see her gulp knowing this isn't going to be pretty. "Now that is understandable under the circumstances you were put under. However, we have all been here missing you like crazy. We've been worried sick. And don't even get me started on how we were convinced…how we were…"

"…Convinced I could be dead," Meredith finishes for her, making me wince. We hadn't discussed that factor and it wasn't a factor I wanted to discuss.

"I didn't," I mutter. I can't have Meredith convinced that I thought she was dead. Mom stares at me with a look I cannot decipher while Meredith looks at me with a hesitant expression. "I didn't," I repeat, sulkily.

How could Mom think it was okay to tell Meredith that?

I need to get out of here. I need some air. Before I can even rise up from the chair though, I feel a hand grasp mine. I turn to see Meredith giving me a hesitant smile as I thread our fingers together, allowing her hand to squeeze mine tightly. She gives me a small smile before we both turn to look at back Mom.

"I know Derek," Mom whispers sorrowfully, nodding her head and sitting on the bed. "But here's the problem, you are so adamant about protecting Meredith that you forgot the promise we made to one another. We promised we'd stick together. We promised to lean on one another. You won't lean on anyone Derek. You are so adamant about protecting Meredith that you can't see what it is doing to you…"

"Mom, I am fine," I insist, feeling heat on my cheeks. Why did she have to say this in front of Meredith?

Meredith scoffs loudly, letting go of my hand and I suddenly feel bare and cold. What the hell was that for?

"You've barely left the hospital," she whispers. "You have barely left my side for that matter," she argues lightly.

"I don't want to," I shrug, feeling embarrassed by the way I have both women's eyes on me. "We have a lot of catching up to do," I reason.

"And we have a lot of time to do that," she smiles at me.

"But we almost didn't," I whisper sadly. I shouldn't have said that because I can see it has upset her but I couldn't help it. It's the truth. "You almost died Meredith…and…and…"

"There is no getting away from that," Mom interjects, being her usual 'voice of reason' self.

"There isn't," Meredith sighs. "But we have a lifetime now Derek. We-have-a-lifetime," she emphasizes, watching me closely.

"I know," I smile assuringly. "I know," I repeat.

"Derek, you can't protect Meredith any more than any of us can escape what happened," Mom smiles at me, before turning to Meredith. "Did you know that he has employed Mark to keep the girls in New York until Derek thinks you're ready to see them?" She asks Meredith.

"Mom!" I snap.

"Derek!" Meredith snaps.

She did not just do that. Why the hell would she tell her that?

"I was just waiting until I thought you were ready," I explain to Meredith sheepishly.

"You think having me sit here and thinking they hated me is a better option?" Meredith asks and I can see the anger flash in her eyes.

"Mer, of course they don't hate you," I whisper, feeling like a complete fool. I touch her arm and smile sheepishly. It's official - I am an idiot. "I just didn't want to overwhelm you with everything."

"Of course they don't," Mom assures her as well. "Derek was just trying to protect you and they desperately want to see you. Sophie has been on the phone every hour, since she found out you were found, trying to find out how you are and when she can fly out. It's a miracle she hasn't ignored Mark and Derek and flown here of her own accord," Mom laughs lightly and even though Meredith smiles slightly, I can see she is hurt. "You can't carry the whole load of this Derek. You have to share the load," Mom smiles at me. "And you, Meredith Grey, have a big decision to make."

"What decision?" Meredith asks, looking bewildered.

"Whether you want to come home to Derek's or you want to go to your Mom's house," Mom smiles at her.

"Ugh…Mom…"

"But I sold my Mom's house…" Meredith laughs awkwardly, looking between Mom and I.

"You did," I smile warmly at her. Here goes nothing… "But I bought it back."

"What?" Meredith gasps. "Why would you do that?" she asks. Her voice shakes and I can see the remnants of tears in the corners of her eyes.

"So that when it came to this moment, you would have a choice," I smile at her, lifting myself onto the bed beside Meredith and pull her into my arms for a hug. "But there is one condition."

"What condition?" she questions, against my shoulder.

"That you either live with me or I live with you," I smile pulling Meredith back from me so she could see I was serious. Mom makes a fake coughing sound. "That you live with us or we live with you," I correct myself before smiling at Mom.

"You didn't need to do that," Meredith whispers, wiping at her eyes.

"Oh sweetheart," Mom smiles at Meredith. "By the way, the flowers are from Tom," She smiles warmly. "He says that he can't wait to see you."

"Oh, that is sweet," Meredith breathes. "Tell him I said thank you," she whispers, turning to look at the bunch of Daisies Tom bought her; her favourite flowers. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume he had a little crush on Meredith.

"I will dear," Mom smiles, standing up. "Now, who is for coffee?" she asks sweetly.

"I am," Meredith and I echo, smiling at one another.

"Good," she nods, heading towards the door. "Now there is one more thing I have to tell you," she smiles, turning back to face both of us.

"What's that?" I ask, not liking the determination that she has on her face. This can't be good.

"As a condition of your discharge Meredith," Mom starts. "You have to go for counselling sessions twice a week."

"What?" Meredith gasps.

"It's for the best Meredith," I smile at her, trying to be encouraging. To be honest, I'm relieved they're making Meredith do this. She needs to talk to someone impartial. "You need this. You need to be able to talk about what happened," I inform her. I really think this will help her.

"I'm glad that you see it that way Derek," Mom smiles, "because you've to also attend counselling sessions twice a week. One of the two will be a joint counselling session," She explains.

"What?" I gasp, standing up.

"It's mandatory!" she warns and before I can say anything else, she is gone.


	31. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note; Hi everyone, thank you all for your words of encouragement with this fic. I was going to wait a couple of days to post this update but I thought better of it since it's finale week and I wouldn't want to be seen as cruel. Hope you all enjoy this update. Let me know what you think. **

**Carolyn's Point of View**

I love to clean. I feel refreshed when I clean. For me, it is the perfect way to de-stress and after yesterday, it is something I really need. Plus, Meredith is coming home today therefore excited doesn't even come close to summing up how I feel. Although, Derek and Meredith aren't exactly happy with me right now.

"Okay," Derek sighs, walking into the kitchen and picking up his car keys from the kitchen table. "I'm off to get Meredith."

"Isn't it a little early? It's just past 7," I sigh as I check my watch.

"Yeah, well I want to get there before she has her first therapy session," he whispers, clearly pissed off.

"Derek," I chastise lightly, pulling the duster out from the cupboard under the sink. "I am your mother. You have no reason to speak to me like that."

"I understanding insisting that Meredith attend therapy sessions but why the hell did…"

"You know why," I cut him off, calmly but firmly. "You-need-this-Derek," I breathe, turning to look at him. "Whether you see it right now or not," I add.

Looking at him closely, I can see that he hasn't slept a wink all night. I know he hates the idea of therapy but there is no way he can move forward with his life, whether he and Meredith come together or not, if he doesn't face what happened and find a way to deal with it. I hate to add to his stress right now but I really should warn him that his sisters will be here tomorrow.

"Derek, I…"

"I get it mom," he sighs, pouring coffee into his to-go mug. "I just don't like it," he whispers, turning back around to peck me on the cheek before he began to walk towards the door of the kitchen. "I'll call when we are leaving the hospital," he calls.

"Bye dear," I call, feeling his nerves. I know, like me that as much as he is excited to be bringing Meredith here, he is also nervous.

"Bye mom," he shouts, just before I hear the front door slam. My poor boy.

"The coast is clear?" I hear Tom shout from the stairway a second later.

"All clear," I shout, laughing as I realise I can't dust the living room until I've done the dishes from last night's midnight feast.

Tom is so sweet. I honestly thought that Derek would catch me hiding Tom in my room last night. It's not that he would have heard anything. I would have never done…anything…with my son in the next room. I felt like a sneaky teenager last night. I didn't realise how much I missed the intimacy that came with having a man in your life. Something has to be said about having a man to hold you, especially when you are struggling to cope with the feeling that your family is sinking. Tom keeps me going. That doesn't mean to say that he replaces Christopher in the slightest but I need Tom. I love him and I don't want to spend another moment without him.

The only question is…how the hell do I tell my children?

"Good morning," I feel Tom smile from behind me as I fill the basin with warm soapy water in order to wash the dishes. "It is such a beautiful morning," he breathes beside my ear as his arms sneak around my waist to pull me close to him.

"It is," I smile, turning my head slightly to look at him. "It really is."

"We'll tell them when you're ready," he whispers seriously as I gasp. He read my mind. "Don't worry Carolyn. We'll wait until you're ready," he breathes, kissing my forehead. "You've not to worry." And for once, I don't because he makes me believe that everything will be okay.

**Cristina's Point of View**

"Meredith, you have to breathe," I insist as I sit on the bed, facing her and pulling her hands away from her neck. She's already left a few scratch marks as her hands instantly went to her neck the moment the panic attack began.

Why today Meredith? Why, when you have been doing so well?

"Cris…Crist…" she gasps out.

"Don't talk," I chastise. "You need to reserve your energy," I whisper, squeezing both her hands in mine. "Just concentrate on your breathing."

"I…I…"

"Mer, will you listen to me and just focus on your breathing," I insist. "Nothing else," I add firmly, watching her closely.

Eventually her body falls back against the pillows and her breathing begins to fall back into a proper rhythm. What the hell had brought that on? She was awake when I came into her room at half past five this morning. I had managed to help her get showered and packed. She was quiet but I put that down to nerves. She must be nervous about therapy. And then to top it all, she will be leaving here to move in with the guy she is in love with.

Stupid Brain Man!

Derek Shepherd's stupidity still manages to amaze me at times - maybe not as much as the human heart does, but he still succeeds in shocking me.

"Don't you dare," I hear my best friend mutter from the bed as I grab her chart.

"Breathe Meredith," I repeat, feeling myself lose my patience. Doctors really do make the worst patients.

"Don't you dare write this in my notes," she mutters, pushing herself up into a sitting position.

"Mer…I…" I start, staring at her. Has she lost her mind? "You know I have to document this."

"It was a panic attack," she states with a shrug but pleading with her eyes. "Plain and simple. I'm getting discharged today Cristina so please…please, don't complicate it because you know the moment you write it in the chart, the Chief will insist on every test being run again."

"He's the Chief, Meredith," I sigh, feeling the effects of working a twenty four hour shift beginning to take effect on my body. "If that's what he wants then we follow the order. Besides, he's only worried about you."

"Everyone's worried!" she snaps, getting agitated. Her face grows flushed just like it did minutes ago during her panic attacks. "And everyone is staring! Everyone is either whispering or tip toing around me!"

"I know," I murmur, knowing that the nurses have done nothing but gossip since Meredith disappeared and that gossip only heightened so much more when she was wheeled in as a patient who had been homeless for a year and a half. "But I don't think that panic attack was just about people gossiping."

"Drop it Cristina!" She snaps instantly, obviously knowing where I am going with this.

"You have to tell him," I insist, leaning on the table in front of me.

"Tell who, what?" she asks me, playing stupid.

"You know who," I breathe. "And you know what," I add, feeling a new sense of determination. "You have to tell him that you're in love with him Meredith," I state, watching her flinch as she tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "The panic attacks aren't going to stop until you do."

"I'll lose him," she whispers so quietly that I almost don't hear her.

"You don't know that," I argue calmly, even though I feel frustration well up inside me.

"I do Cristina," she sighs, rubbing her face. "I would lose him," she repeats, clearly defeated. "I can't…I just…I can't."

"You've already faced a life without him Meredith," I sigh, feeling every muscle in my body tighten as an image of her homeless, fragile figure pops into my head. She is still considered malnourished. She is still way too skinny. However, she is getting there, slowly but surely. "If you truly believe that you will lose him if you tell him then answer me this one question," I plead as she sighs and looks at me through unsure eyes. "Would you rather lose him when you watch another woman come into his life or take the chance and tell him the truth?"

"I'll lose…" She starts to argue and I can see in her face that she is agitated.

"You'll lose him if you do," I talk over her. "Or…you'll get everything you ever wanted since you met him," I breathe. "Like I said, you've already faced a life without him so what do you have to lose?"

She looks thoughtful and I can tell that as much as she wants to give me a comeback, she can't because she knows I am right.

Cristina =1. Meredith = Nil.

"I'm scared," she confesses quietly.

I'm about to scoff and come out with a quirky comment but taking in the fear in her eyes, I stop myself. "I know," I murmur thoughtfully. "That isn't going to change until you tell him Meredith."

She nods. I can tell that instead of comforting her, all I have really done is add to her worries, making her more fragile than she was when she had the panic attack.

"Hey," the brainless brain man smiles like an idiot as he walks into Meredith's room. I catch Meredith putting on a fake smile as I watch his grin turn to a frown as he takes in the scratch marks on her neck. "What happened?"

"I…uh…" Meredith stutters out, giving me pleading eyes when she catches Derek looking at me for answers.

"The heat got to her when I turned on the shower. It was too hot and her fingers went straight to her neck. The heat began to agitate her," I shrug off and I can tell by the way he looks at me, that he believes me. I breathe a quiet sigh of relief and I can see that Meredith is doing the same as Derek pulls her in for a hug.

"I'll leave you both to it," I smile

I hate charting. I really should be home by now but I wanted to hang around and see how Meredith got on with her first session with Dr Wyatt. The pit is empty and there are no surgeries for me today so that means that I am lumbered with charts.

I shouldn't have covered for her. I definitely shouldn't have covered for her but something about how panicked she was made me lie for her.

I don't think that not telling Teddy will do any harm. Meredith going home to the Lion's den is bound to do harm. That's what I am worried about. In not opening my mouth, I protected her from running every pointless test but in not opening my mouth, I essentially allowed her discharge. Meredith going to stay with Derek and Carolyn is a bad idea. She shouldn't be…

"Dr Yang," Lexie Grey whispers from behind me.

"Just perfect," I groan loudly, turning to face the green eyed monster who is now our bloody Chief resident. "What do you want?"

"Is there really any need to speak to me in that tone?" She asks with a sigh.

"Yes, there is," I nod seriously. "Now, are you going to tell me what you want or are you going to leave me alone?"

"I hear Meredith starts her first counselling session this morning," she states bluntly.

"That is none of your business!" I snap, turning back to my charts. How dare she ask me about Meredith! She has no right!

"I'm just…"

"Aren't you supposed to be on my post ops today, Dr Grey?" I ask snappily. "I suggest you get going."

"I'm worried about her too," she sighs from behind my back before I hear her retreating footsteps move down the hall way. The nerve of that woman! Who the hell does she think she is?

"Cristina!" Derek bellows from the other end of the hall. I turn and face him.

Uh-Oh! He looks pissed off.

"What's wrong?" I gulp. "Did something happen with Meredith?"

"The scratches on her neck?" He questions me, seething as he finally reaches me.

"What about them?" I ask, playing stupid.

"Don't play blind Cristina!" he snaps. "It was a panic attack, wasn't it?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," I say, acting innocent. I don't think I have ever seen Derek look so mad. Oh, how there is so much I want to say here…but I won't, because Meredith needs to be able to trust me and blabbing to McIdiot here will not help.

"Cristina," he warns, getting agitated.

I'm about to continue my cover for her but something in his eyes stops me. "Okay, fine," I sigh. "It was a panic attack…but…but it was your fault," I snap. Oops!

"How the hell was it my fault?" he asks looking bewildered. "And why didn't you tell me about it before?"

"You really are brainless," I scoff, feeling the anger inside, getting the better of me. Being tired wasn't helping me.

"So you keep telling me," he mutters with a look of anguish on his face. I want to feel sorry for him but I can't. He's not the only one worried about Meredith and it's about time he realised that.

"You need to tell her," I inform him, giving him the exact same advice that I gave Meredith only a few hours ago. Quite frankly I am sick of watching these two going round and round in circles.

"I need to tell her what?" He asks, looking confused, trying to follow my train of thought.

"You need to tell her that you are in love with her!" I snap, unable to stop myself.

Derek looks stunned at first but he quickly manages to compose himself. "I can't do that," he sighs. "She'll run."

"Oh, for pity sake," I sigh, rubbing my forehead. "You have to tell her Derek. You spent the past year and a half fighting for her even though, through that entire time, you were facing a life without her. You-have-to-tell-her," I breathe.

"I can't Cristina," he scorns. "You know she'll run."

"So will you if she ends up with some guy," I sigh with frustration. "You have to tell her Derek! What do you have to lose? And more to the point –think about what you could gain," I smile slightly, before turning with my charts in hand and walking down the hall way, leaving him staring after me.

When did I become the agony aunt around this place? And how the hell do I make it stop?


	32. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note – Firstly, I hope you all enjoyed the Season 9 finale of Grey's as much as I did. Now, we just have to wait several months for Season 10 *sigh*. I have loved all of Season 9 and now can't wait for Season 10. Secondly, thank you to all those who have read and commented on this fic. I really appreciate your encouragement. I hope you enjoy this update…**

**Derek's Point of View**

"So you said nothing?" I ask her for the third time as I push her wheelchair down the hallway towards the elevator.

"Yes!" She snaps, getting agitated. I had wanted to talk to her about the panic attack she had this morning but sensing her mood, I decided against it.

"Meredith, you were in there for a whole hour," I say, still feeling confused. "You sat in there for a whole hour and just ignored her?" I ask again, feeling just as baffled as I did when I asked the first time.

"I just stared at the fish tank," she shrugs, as if it is no big deal. "She actually has some beautiful fish…"

"Meredith," I sigh. "You're never going to get away with saying nothing. You just can't Meredith," I lean down and whisper in her ear as we approach the elevator. I walk around the chair to push the button for the elevator and then turn to face her, trying my hardest to keep my frustration with her at bay.

"I agreed to attend the sessions Derek. I never said anything about talking!" She instantly defends her actions.

"Are you hearing yourself?" I ask her. I love how cute she looks when she is angry. The way she is looking at me right now is exactly how she looked at me years ago and it was in that moment that I fell in love with her. I fell in love with all of her – including her tiny, ineffectual fists. "I can't believe you said nothing to her," I breathe, trying to find a reason behind her behaving this way. It's just plain petulance.

"I didn't say nothing," she hesitates. "Not exactly," she smiles up at me as I hear the elevator making its pinging sound to announce its arrival.

"What do you mean?" I ask, grabbing the handles on the wheelchair.

"I said 'Hi' and 'Bye', "she giggles as I push her chair onto the elevator.

"Not funny Meredith," I warn. "This is the way a stroppy teenager behaves," I argue. "Like it or not, you need this," I repeat the words of my mother, flinching as I realize my mistake.

"Really?" She questions sarcastically. "Well according to Mom, you need it too! I wonder how perky you will be once you've come out of your first session with that…"

"Meredith!" I snap, having enough of this. What the hell am I doing? "Do-it-for-Mom," I plead, pulling on the emergency stop button and crouching down to her level.

"Mom asked me to attend a session with Dr Wyatt and I did," she whispers, giving me a pleading look. "Derek she is annoying…"

I can't believe it – she is actually trying to bat her eyelids at me.

"Meredith," I sigh, feeling my defences weakening greatly. "Mom has asked you to attend multiple sessions with Dr Wyatt to talk about what is going on. You can't avoid this," I tell her softly. "No matter how many times you bat your eyelids at me."

"You're no fun," she scoffs whilst pouting.

"Meredith," I warn again, beginning to feel the heat as she looks at me through those deep green eyes of hers. As much as I love being in such a small, confined proximity with the woman I love, I also detest it immensely because all I wanted more than anything was to have her in my arms in a way that was bound to have her running for the hills.

"Derek," she mimics mockingly.

"Meredith, this is ridiculous," I snap, feeling my agitation at her behavior as well as the rising heat in the room.

"It's pointless Derek," she sighs, folding her hands over her chest.

"What's pointless?" I ask gently. She looks so childlike right now. She seems so small, so fragile yet she is still her feisty self. I can still see my Meredith in the glimmer of her sea green eyes.

"The whole process," she scoffs as her cheeks brighten with her frustration. "Psychology is a load of…a load of…codswallop," she states.

Before I can even stop myself, I burst into a fit of laughter and thankfully, not long before I had started, she starts giggling hysterically too. "Codswallop?" I ask, as tears of laughter stream down my face.

"It fits," she shrugs again, still giggling.

Looking into her eyes, I wish more than anything that I was able to take the pain away. It is as clear as day that it is there. She probably thinks that she can hide it from me. However, I am the one person she cannot hide her pain from – no matter how hard she tries.

"I'm not the person you think I am," she murmurs so softly, I stop for a second to make sure I hear her right. What the hell does she mean by that? Is she trying to tell me something?

Meredith used to have a habit of being 'random'. She would say things and everybody would give her this odd look but as we grew closer, I quickly learned how to follow Meredith Grey's train of thought. The same was said about her. Mark always made a joke about how we could finish each others sentences. He would say that we were always in sync with one another. He always told the family that he's surprised we couldn't read each other's mind's considering how close we were.

Correction – considering how close we are. Are!

I'm just relieved that she can't read my mind right about now considering how hot and flustered I am feeling at this moment around her.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask with a small sense of dread and she just shrugs in response whilst staring at her hands, fiddling her thumbs in her lap.

"Meredith…"

"You can't expect me to be the same person that left. I'm different Derek. I've changed…"

"You're still you," I sigh, unable to hold back.

"I'm not though," she sighs, visibly getting upset. "I'm not the person you think I am," she whispers as her lips shake.

"What do you mean?" I ask, once again, as I take the hair that has fallen in front of her face and tuck it behind her ear, holding it there whilst I stroke her cheek.

"You won't get it," she shakes her head at me.

"Try me," I push lightly. Right now, I would go as far to say that I detest the negativity she feels towards herself. It is so strong that I can feel it anytime I am around her. I am struggling to deal with it so I have no idea how she is managing to deal with it since it seems to have a hold of her. I have no idea how we are going to help her shake it off.

"I'm just different…that's all," she shrugs, looking back at me, trying her best to put a smile on her face.

"You're not," I insist, smiling at her. Even if she can't manage a strong smile, I damn sure can. I have to for her. "I think you are far more like your old self than you give yourself credit for," I breathe as she tilts her head as she ponders what I've just said.

"What if I don't want to be like my old self?" She asks, giving me a deep, intense stare as my hand drops from her cheek.

What did she just say?

"Wha…How…What?...Well…" I stutter, completely lost for words.

"Can we just go now?" she asks gently. If she's aware of the significance that her last comment holds, she isn't showing it.

"Mer…"

"Your Mom is expecting us Derek," she whispers forcefully.

"Ok," I murmur, as I stand numb, pulling the emergency stop before the elevator jolts alive and we are descending to the ground floor.

"Perfect," Meredith mutters as the doors open to reveal Lexie.

"Hi," she smiles awkwardly, trying to catch Meredith's eye but she keeps her head down, purposely to avoid eye contact. How the hell can she think she's not the same person? She's behaving exactly like the Meredith I remember. The Meredith I fell madly in love with.

"Uh…I was just heading upstairs to see you…but I guess I'm a little late," she smiles, looking at me as she straightens her lab coat. I am still trying to get used to seeing her running about the hallways of this hospital in scrubs and the white coat.

"Yeah," I smile politely, pushing Meredith's chair out of the elevator.

Meredith, say something. Please say something.

"Well…how are you feeling Meredith?" Lexie asks brightly as I squeeze Meredith's shoulder to remind her I'm still here to support her.

"Fine," she mutters, fidgeting with her watch and staring at it as if it's a bloody complicated tumour that appears impossible to remove.

"Dad and my Mom were asking after you," she whispers, clutching the charts in her hand, tightly to her chest. "They would love to come and see you."

"Not going to happen!" Meredith snaps, finally looking at her sister. "And the sooner everyone accepts that the better!

"Meredith, there is no need to speak to Lexie like that," I scold as I watch Lexie's eyes fill with tears.

"I better go," she mumbles and runs off before I can stop her.

"That was rude," I state bluntly, feeling disappointed that she can't even be civil towards her sister.

"I really don't care," she whispers, agitated. "Now can we please get out of here?"

"Mer, you're going to have to talk to her at some point," I sigh, rubbing my eyes before I begin to push her towards the entrance way of the hospital.

"That's your opinion, not mine," she states bluntly. Why is she being so harsh? I know this hurts her so much but even I can see that Lexie is trying and I am the first to admit that I am incredibly protective of Meredith and there are times, I don't even want Cristina around her.

"Mer…"

"Derek! Meredith!" the Chief calls from behind us. I turn my head as does Meredith, to see the Chief running down the stairs towards us. "I'm so glad I caught you before you left," he pants as he reaches us.

"You ok Chief?" I ask him, slightly concerned.

"Oh fine," he shrugs off. "Just really wanted to see you before you left," he smiles at Meredith.

"Oh, thanks Chief," Meredith smiles warmly up at him.

"I hear you'll be staying at Derek's for the coming weeks," He whispers. I swear my mother has the biggest mouth. Thanks to her, everybody knows everything.

"I'm going to kill Mom," I mutter as Meredith and the Chief laugh.

"You know what she is like Derek," Meredith giggles.

"Unfortunately," I murmur, under my breath.

"Anyway, I just wanted to say that Adele and I are only a phone call away if you need anything," he states sincerely. "Anything at all," he repeats.

"Thank you Chief," Meredith smiles genuinely.

"And I also wanted to say that your job is available when you're declared fit and you're ready to come back," he smiles warmly at her.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes...No! Why does she look so unsure?

"Oh," she murmurs. "Chief, I am so grateful for everything you've done for me but I won't be coming back," she nods, surprisingly sure of herself. "Ever," she adds for emphasis as I feel as if I've been punched in the chest.

"I don't understand," I breathe, trying to stop my head from spinning.

"If I've decided anything," she starts. "It's that I'm done with surgery. I'm done with medicine. It's time to move on," she smiles at us as I feel my jaw drop slightly and turn to stare at the same expression on the Chief's face.

**Meredith's Point of View **

I know Derek's mad with me. I can sense it, sitting next to him in the car and as much as I want to talk to him about it, I can't. I can't focus on how he feels right now because I am trying to deal with the million and one things I am feeling right now.

One – I have my hands squeezed between my legs to stop Derek from seeing them shaking. The last time I was in a car with Derek, I was driving and it ended up resulting in a deadly collision. Correction – almost deadly. I never gave getting into a car with Derek much thought at all. It wasn't until we got in the car that flashbacks to just before the accident started to hit me and my hands started to shake. This feels so surreal being in the car with Derek (who I never thought I'd see again), driving along streets I'd never thought I'd see again, heading to a house I'd never thought I'd see again.

Two – Beds. I know this probably sounds crazy but the sheets in the hospital were making me so itchy. Part of the reason I felt so jumpy and strange in the hospital was the fact I couldn't get used to sleeping in a bed again. Strange – right? I mean after sleeping rough for over 16 months, you think I would see a bed as a luxury and want to spend all my time in one, but I can't find the ability to get used to it. The surgery forced me to spend all my time in bed, in hospital. As much as I struggled there, I think being back at Derek's is going to make me struggle more. Oh god…Derek's house. His home. I'm actually going back there.

Three – What the hell am I going to do for money? I'll need to get back on my feet fast and find a way to earn some money. But what do I do until then? Plus, there's all the money I owe Derek for buying back my Mom's house. I can't be in debt to him. He's the last person I want to be in debt too. As for going back to surgery – not an option AT ALL. I just can't do it. Too many deaths have surrounded me and I can't be responsible for people's lives being in my hands. No way.

Four - Faces. The strangest thing of all; seeing all the faces that I NEVER thought I would see again. NEVER. I would not even allow myself to imagine seeing them again; especially Derek, Derek's Mom and my Mom whom Derek has promised to take me to see tomorrow morning. I want to be excited because that would be normal but I can't. I can't find it in me to be excited because all I feel is nervous. Wrong, right? It's wrong that I am nervous about seeing my own Mom. That doesn't make me normal; it makes me pathetic. Really though, what part of this situation is normal? I was friggin living on the street for over a year after being told my best friend was killed in a car accident; in a car I was driving. From that moment, with Rachel staring me down with her fake tear filled eyes, I put up walls that no one would be able to break down. Yet, here I am, a year and a half later, reunited with my family (or some of my family), trying to find a way to protect myself from the hurt and more importantly, protect them from hurt. It's hard to even admit how much I've missed them because If I start to say things like that then it can lead to conversations I know I do not want to have.

Five – Then there's Michael…

My whole point is, I know Derek is upset because I am refusing to go back to surgery and right now he is probably thinking about how much things have changed, how much I have changed and as much as I want to be able to reassure him, I can't because right now I have so many thoughts of my own spinning in my head making it so hard to think clearly. Everyone, including Derek, expect me to be the same person but I'm not; not anymore. The sooner they all accept that, the better their lives will be.

**Carolyn's Point of View**

'Hey Mom, I've just spoken to Derek; they're on their way home,' Amelia beams at me as she walks into the kitchen. I catch sight of her eyes lighting up when she catches me baking.

'That's great dear,' I smile, feeling a little nervous. It just feels too good to be true. Meredith is coming home. 'Although, Derek Shepherd should know better than to be driving and talking on the phone at the same time.' I scold.

'He was using his hands free,' Amelia laughs, rummaging through the fridge for something to eat.

'It's still a distraction,' I argue. They've already been in one car accident; the last thing we all need is for them to be in another.

'What do you call it when you're in our cars, talking non-stop,' she smiles at me. Amelia was always the one who had an answer for everything. She had to argue her case, even if she was wrong and she's no different now. She fights like no one I've ever known.

'Did Derek tell you how Meredith got on in her therapy session?' I ask. I've been worrying about it all morning. I know she's angry and upset about having to attend these sessions but after everything she has been through, she needs them. The last thing we need is her slipping away from us. We have no idea what she has been through the past year and a half. Did she live on the street for that entire time? Was she in LA the whole time? Then there's how she feels about all of us? Does she even trust us? Does she feel the same as she did before?

'He wouldn't with her sitting right there Mom,' she answers gently, reaching out to stroke my arm. 'Don't worry, Mom, she'll be home soon and right now, I think that is all she is focusing on,' Amy smiles at me. I can see the excitement in her smile, reaching her eyes. She's right. Meredith is finally coming home. I should be relaxed and happy instead of feeling on edge.

'Can you double check her bedroom is all ready for her?' I ask Amy.

'Don't you mean Quadruple check?' She asks laughing, starting to walk away. I know I've already asked her several times and I know it makes me seem paranoid but I want everything to be ready for her return.

'I just want everything to be perfect for her,' I sigh.

'I know Mom but if that is the case then I suggest you tell them that my _lovely _sisters will be here tomorrow before they end up on the doorstep?' She says giving me a wary look.

'I will,' I insist. I just don't know how. 'Have you followed my advice?'

'What adv…'

'You know fine well what advice I'm talking about lady,' I scold lightly.

'Mom,' she warns. 'I can't…I don't…'

'Addison calls here every day asking after you and Meredith. It's about time you talked to her young lady,' I say as Amy tries to think up a clever response. 'She misses you,' I tell her causing Amy to scoff. 'She's hurting too,' I whisper and I see the hurt flash across her eyes. 'Call her,' I insist before turning back to put the chocolate cake mixture into the baking tin. At the very least, Meredith will be welcomed home with the smell of my home baking. I just hope she is as happy to be here as we are to have her here.


End file.
